Posts Tagged verbal abuse
I feel like screaming right now. How can a good evening turn sour so quickly? Tonight, after dinner, I sat on the couch cuddling with LittleG as EmCee sat in the kitchen entertaining his long time friend, Dee. (All names have been changed to protect identities). It was just past bedtime for LittleG and of course, the rowdiness kicks in – climbing on me, pulling my hair, tickling me – all in the name of fun – you know the last dance before the evening ends. So EmCee begins to walk past the TV as in saying (time for bed), and LittleG goofing around says, “I can push you.” and so he does… and EmCee says “Oh yea, well I can walk right through you.”
And so he does, only he accidentally knocks LittleG into the wooden and glass coffee table and LittleG’s head hits it so hard, I flew off the couch to carry him to the kitchen for an ice pack – immediately.
But no sooner than I can get my hands on ice, LittleG is screaming, “You don’t care about me. No one cares about me. My family doesn’t care about me, my friends don’t care about me.”
He goes running upstairs, but before he goes completely up, he pokes his head over the banister, “When I get older, I’m gonna blame you, like you blame me for everything.”
Words of a child. Not my words, even though later on, EmCee firmly stated to me that the only way a child would say that is if he heard it from me. No, my dear, EmCee, don’t be fooled by a child’s ability to perceive. He’s not dumb, nor is he stupid. He is quite smart and very well aware that you, EmCee, blame everything on everyone, but yourself.
It’s time to look in a mirror, EmCee.
After I comfort LittleG upstairs and finally get him to bed, I am fuming. Sure it was an accident, but EmCee’s behavior last night combined with tonight, was just a bit too much for me to take. So I broke.
But here’s a quick run down of last night (2/3/11) that kind of prompted tonight’s battle:
Last night, I called EmCee from the car and said, “I’m making meatloaf, mashed potatoes and carrots for dinner, is that alright?”
EmCee: “Why don’t you make meatballs and spaghetti?” (His favorite thing, but he would eat a whole box of spaghetti himself if i let him).
LittleG: But I want meatloaf!
EmCee: But you don’t eat meatloaf.
LittleG: But Mommy says it tastes like meatballs.
Me, to EmCee: It’s easier if I make meatloaf, its quicker. It’s late already and I have to pick up your mom. If I have to run to the store to get basil and sauce, its going to be very late by the time dinner is ready. Besides, I thought you liked meatloaf?
EmCee: “Fine, but make meatballs tomorrow when Dee comes over.”
(Sounds good so far right??”
At the dinner table:
EmCee sees LittleG picking at his meatloaf, “What’s the matter LittleG?”
LittleG: “Nothing” (quietly)
a few moments later, LittleG: “Mommy, this meatloaf tastes sour.”
Me: “Ok let me taste it.” (I taste it) “Its not sour, LittleG, that’s the way it tastes.”
LittleG: Well, I don’t like it.
EmCee: “You ruined my dinner. You RUINED dinner for everyone. It’s all because of YOU that Mommy made meatloaf. I wanted spaghetti.” (In his condescending, I am God tone).
How childish, EmCee is. I made EmCee apologize for his comment almost immediately, I refuse to sit there and watch my son be treated like that. I told him that just because LittleG is 6, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings. EmCee reluctantly apologized. It wasn’t until nearly midnight that EmCee told me that he realized he was wrong. But I don’t think EmCee actually understands the degree his words can scar LittleG.
Tonight, after bed.
I explained to EmCee that his words scar LittleG and I can’t take it anymore. I tell him that for 2 years we have been going on like this and its not improving. That I’m not happy. That we are two different people. That he would be happier with someone else to fuck. That I am not the same person anymore, I have changed. That I can’t take that every night there is an argument or a disagreement in the house. That I have to walk on eggshells to know if he’s in a good or bad mood. That I have to tell LittleG “Don’t do that, you may get Daddy angry.” That his temper can change on a drop of a dime, and we have to be little soldiers or he gets upset.
I told him “I will not tolerate your abuse anymore!”
“Well if you only played by the rules, I wouldn’t get upset.”
“Exactly, but who defines those rules? You do. You make the rules and we all have to abide by them. If I want to go to yoga, you talk me out of it, if I want to go to the mall, I can’t go alone. If I want to go out with my friends, you tell them just to stay here. Who makes these rules, I don’t”
“Well you don’t listen to me anyway… (goes off on a tirade of how he gives me all these “freedoms”, how he is a good father and always takes care of Gabe when I’m not around, etc…)
“EmCee I’m pointing out issues we are having. Instead of acknowledging them and trying to resolve them, once again, you are pointing out things LittleG and I do. You’re circumventing the real issues here. Why don’t you just take responsibility for once?”
“I don’t have any issues, but you do. Go sow your wild oats, go have your freedom and find yourself. If that’s what you want, just do it. Leave. As a matter of fact I’ll help you pack up. But be careful what you wish for.”
“Be careful what I wish for? That sounds like a threat.”
“No, that’s not a threat, just be careful what you wish for. But you’re going to regret it. You’re going to regret leaving me. This is a big mistake.”
(At this point, he takes his computer, and says goodnight and begins to walk upstairs)
“Are you just going to leave and not finish this discussion?”
“There’s nothing to discuss, I am done. You’re going to regret it.”
“But you won’t even acknowledge the issues or talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.
(I follow him upstairs and he takes LittleG to the potty. I get LittleG into his pajamas and EmCee proceeds to put headphones on and go to sleep. The conversation is done.)
What I realized tonight, is that all I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge his mistakes. But tonight, I realized he never will. He will never accept responsibility for his actions or words. And if that’s the case, there is nothing else I can do, except move on.
There he goes again. I just knew it would be one of those days. LittleG had a bad day at school, so I suggested we go to the toy store for shopping. After all, LittleG had a few gift cards left over for his birthday, so I figured “Why not?” It’s certainly better than shoving food in his face and causing an emotional-eating disorder. Well EmCee decided he was going to put his puss face on the entire time (you know because it wasn’t a store that he wanted to go to, or had things he wanted to buy).
LittleG was taking about an hour, and I was tired from walking up and down the same aisles. I didn’t complain though. “EmCee! Can you come here, I need help getting this down.” EmCee looks at me and doesn’t budge. So I call to him again, “I’m coming, babe.” As he slowly saunters down the remote control car aisle. “LittleG wants a clear car, can you see if there are any all the way in the back?” He immediately shouts out, “It’s not clear, it’s all they have.” Quite annoyed. Give me a break, just check for the kid. Would it kill you so much.
Oh yes, it would, because you’re a selfish ass half the time. That’s right, if it doesn’t involve you, it’s just not important. We walk out of the store and he’s got “the look” on. “What’s wrong?” I ask. “Nothing.” I can already tell its going to be one of those nights. We plow on….
By the time we get home from our errands for the evening, its nearly 7:30 pm. The crockpot is cooking away beef stew for the evening because I knew we would be late home. I love the crock pot for this reason! LittleG had asked for pizza on the way home, which we stopped to pick up. But the house is a mess (as usual when EmCee works from home). I immediately start to straighten the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and straightening the countertops. (BTW, by this time I’m annoyed the house is so messy and I am starving).
EmCee, breaks open the pizza box at the stove top and starts eating. Now, the dogs need to be fed, LittleG needs his dinner, the kitchen needs to be windexed, dishes out of the sink into the dishwasher, dishwasher emptied, and so forth … I look at EmCee… is he kidding me? Everyone is hunrgy, why did he stop to eat?
“Really, EmCee? Really? I’m hungry too you know!”
*Dirty look* Not sure what I did to deserve the dirty look, all I wanted was a bit of help, you know put the pizza in a dish for our son, maybe feed the dogs while I windex the kitchen and put stuff away so we can sit down and eat dinner in peace and cleanliness. But no, he had to forget everything else and just stuff his mouth. Of course, I should have known, it’s all about him, isn’t it.
It’s ALWAYS about him.
After dinner, I say to LittleG who is watching TV. “After, Mommy has a cigarette we need to do homework.” (That was his 5 minute warning). I sit down next to EmCee. EmCee directs at LittleG, “Get me your schoolbag.”
LittleG responds, “But Mommy didn’t have her cigarette yet!”
Well now that just sends EmCee into a tongue lashing,
“Turn off the TV NOW!!! Come here and give me your backpack. I wanted to look over what you had for homework.” (LittleG hands him the backpack and sits on the bench, with his head in his hands on the table).
“WHAT??!? Now that’s how you behave? Go sit on the couch and wait for your mother.” (Are you serious EmCee? Really? Come on now, LittleG wasn’t back talking or giving you grief.)
We start our homework while EmCee now sits on the couch and puts on TV (This after I told EmCee repeatedly NOT to watch TV while we do homework because it distracts our little man. I’ve asked him numerous times to watch TV in the family room which is in the basement!) While watching TV, EmCee falls asleep on the couch. We finish our homework, read a story, study for our test and practice our guitar lessons. EmCee wakes up after all of this to have a “smoke” and watch TV.
After a bit of running around, I inform LittleG it was bedtime, off to the bedroom we go, LittleG taking a monkey eraser in his hand. We brush our teeth, go potty and get ready for bed. EmCee comes upstairs and grabs the eraser and mumbles something about it. LittleG immediately says, “But it’s mine, Daddy!”
“Are you raising your voice to me? Who are you raising your voice to? Now, you can’t have the eraser, it’s going in my pocket. And get yourself dressed for bed.” EmCee proceeds to throw LittleG’s pajamas at his face and turns to storm out.
“Don’t you treat him like that. He didn’t hear you.”
“Well, I’m tired of him always raising his voice and back talking to me.”
(The conversation continued, but I won’t continue to bore you.) LittleG was left standing there dejected while I tried to console him and get him dressed for bed. Mind you, I’m in trouble now for protecting my son and standing up for him.
“Mommy, why is Daddy always, you know….”
“Why is Daddy always what?”
“You know … (silence) … mean”
“I don’t know why Daddy is always mean. Not all Daddies are mean, LittleG. I’m sorry he upset you.”
We say goodnight and give hugs and kisses, I proceed downstairs…. EmCee is at the kitchen table, with his iPhone and earbuds in his ear.
“Are you coming downstairs to watch TV?” I ask.
“No, I’m going to sleep.” EmCee replies with a pissed off face on.
I walk downstairs to check my emails and facebook, its just better not to engage him in conversation.
20 minutes later, I hear “Goodnight” Like the dutiful wife, I go upstairs and kiss him goodnight and say a prayer of thanks that he’s going to bed. I don’t want to deal with him anymore. I’m so tired of this life.
Some days are better than others, this I know is true. And it is often that these days, are the days when things just look OK, that life is tolerable and that I can make it through. But no matter how good those days are, I can’t see that I am truly happy in the situation I am in.
I had a conversation with my mother the other day about Emcee (that’s the name I will give my husband on here, because he always likes to be the center of attention and hold “court” as he calls it). I told my mother straight out, “I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy and not be alone, but overall, I am not in love with him.”
I could list a million things he does that absolutely drive me insane, but the bottom line is, no one is going to get a divorce over not flushing the toilet, or constantly being on the cell phone, or falling asleep on the couch and snoring during my favorite show. Those are the little things you come to live with and accept as part of your partner.
It’s the big things, the constant never changing attributes that slowly gnaw at the relationship, eventually slowing its growth and being in charge for it’s demise. Those are the things that will cause a divorce.
I’ll give you an example … my son, LittleG will push anyone’s buttons. He’s not a bad kid at all, he’s a pleasure – naturally curious, always talking and asking questions. Everyone loves him. He’s a sweet 6 year old. But he doesn’t pay attention. And that drives EmCee insane. It drives me insane too sometimes, but I don’t yell and lash out at him. EmCee will. EmCee will infact, say things to LittleG such as, “Are you retarded? Is there something wrong with you? I should take you to the doctor…”
I’ve disagreed on this with EmCee quite often, our child rearing ideas differ on this topic. My mother has said to me in EmCee’s defense, “He never had a father in his life. He doesn’t know how to be a dad.” or “You don’t think he really means that do you? That’s just the way he is.”
Maybe, just maybe, I’m crazy for thinking that this seems like verbal abuse? How you’re never supposed to use words like “retarded” towards a child? When I have corrected him, he agreed reluctantly, because he is very “old school” in his train of thought. It’s not to say it never happened again, because it has. Over and over, maybe not always the same words, but the same meaning behind them.
What disgusts me even more is that my mother stood up and defended his behavior! I know she was only trying to ration with me and calm me down, try to keep the marriage together, but I am adamant that those words are unacceptable towards a child!
It’s late and I’m tired, the sun always comes out tomorrow. And its another day. I just need someone to tell me, I’m not wrong!