Posts Tagged verbal abuse

Screaming Inside, Does Anyone Hear?

I feel like screaming right now.  How can a good evening turn sour so quickly?  Tonight, after dinner, I sat on the couch cuddling with LittleG as EmCee sat in the kitchen entertaining his long time friend, Dee.  (All names have been changed to protect identities).  It was just past bedtime for LittleG and of course, the rowdiness kicks in – climbing on me, pulling my hair, tickling me – all in the name of fun – you know the last dance before the evening ends.  So EmCee begins to walk past the TV as in saying (time for bed), and LittleG goofing around says, “I can push you.” and so he does… and EmCee says “Oh yea, well I can walk right through you.”

And so he does, only he accidentally knocks LittleG into the wooden and glass coffee table and LittleG’s head hits it so hard, I flew off the couch to carry him to the kitchen for an ice pack – immediately.

But no sooner than I can get my hands on ice, LittleG is screaming, “You don’t care about me.  No one cares about me.  My family doesn’t care about me, my friends don’t care about me.”

He goes running upstairs, but before he goes completely up, he pokes his head over the banister, “When I get older, I’m gonna blame you, like you blame me for everything.”

Words of a child.  Not my words, even though later on, EmCee firmly stated to me that the only way a child would say that is if he heard it from me.  No, my dear, EmCee, don’t be fooled by a child’s ability to perceive.  He’s not dumb, nor is he stupid.  He is quite smart and very well aware that you, EmCee, blame everything on everyone, but yourself.

It’s time to look in a mirror, EmCee.

After I comfort LittleG upstairs and finally get him to bed, I am fuming.  Sure it was an accident, but EmCee’s behavior last night combined with tonight, was just a bit too much for me to take.  So I broke.

But here’s a quick run down of last night (2/3/11) that kind of prompted tonight’s battle:

Last night, I called EmCee from the car and said, “I’m making meatloaf, mashed potatoes and carrots for dinner, is that alright?”

EmCee: “Why don’t you make meatballs and spaghetti?”  (His favorite thing, but he would eat a whole box of spaghetti himself if i let him).

LittleG: But I want meatloaf!

EmCee: But you don’t eat meatloaf.

LittleG: But Mommy says it tastes like meatballs.

Me, to EmCee:  It’s easier if I make meatloaf, its quicker.  It’s late already and I have to pick up your mom.  If I have to run to the store to get basil and sauce, its going to be very late by the time dinner is ready.  Besides, I thought you liked meatloaf?

EmCee: “Fine, but make meatballs tomorrow when Dee comes over.”

(Sounds good so far right??”

At the dinner table:

EmCee sees LittleG picking at his meatloaf, “What’s the matter LittleG?”

LittleG: “Nothing” (quietly)

a few moments later, LittleG: “Mommy, this meatloaf tastes sour.”

Me: “Ok let me taste it.”  (I taste it) “Its not sour, LittleG, that’s the way it tastes.”

LittleG: Well, I don’t like it.

EmCee: “You ruined my dinner.  You RUINED dinner for everyone.  It’s all because of YOU that Mommy made meatloaf. I wanted spaghetti.” (In his condescending, I am God tone).

How childish, EmCee is.  I made EmCee apologize for his comment almost immediately, I refuse to sit there and watch my son be treated like that.  I told him that just because LittleG is 6, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings.  EmCee reluctantly apologized.  It wasn’t until nearly midnight that EmCee told me that he realized he was wrong.  But I don’t think EmCee actually understands the degree his words can scar LittleG.

Tonight, after bed.

I explained to EmCee that his words scar LittleG and I can’t take it anymore.  I tell him that for 2 years we have been going on like this and its not improving.  That I’m not happy.  That we are two different people.  That he would be happier with someone else to fuck.  That I am not the same person anymore, I have changed.  That I can’t take that every night there is an argument or a disagreement in the house.  That I have to walk on eggshells to know if he’s in a good or bad mood.  That I have to tell LittleG “Don’t do that, you may get Daddy angry.” That his temper can change on a drop of a dime, and we have to be little soldiers or he gets upset.

I told him “I will not tolerate your abuse anymore!”

“Well if you only played by the rules, I wouldn’t get upset.”

“Exactly, but who defines those rules?  You do.  You make the rules and we all have to abide by them.  If I want to go to yoga, you talk me out of it, if I want to go to the mall, I can’t go alone.  If I want to go out with my friends, you tell them just to stay here. Who makes these rules, I don’t”

“Well you don’t listen to me anyway… (goes off on a tirade of how he gives me all these “freedoms”, how he is a good father and always takes care of Gabe when I’m not around, etc…)

“EmCee I’m pointing out issues we are having.  Instead of acknowledging them and trying to resolve them, once again, you are pointing out things LittleG and I do.  You’re circumventing the real issues here.  Why don’t you just take responsibility for once?”

“I don’t have any issues, but you do.  Go sow your wild oats, go have your freedom and find yourself.  If that’s what you want, just do it.  Leave.  As a matter of fact I’ll help you pack up.  But be careful what you wish for.”

“Be careful what I wish for?  That sounds like a threat.”

“No, that’s not a threat, just be careful what you wish for.  But you’re going to regret it.  You’re going to regret leaving me.  This is a big mistake.”

(At this point, he takes his computer, and says goodnight and begins to walk upstairs)

“Are you just going to leave and not finish this discussion?”

“There’s nothing to discuss, I am done.  You’re going to regret it.”

“But you won’t even acknowledge the issues or talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.

(I follow him upstairs and he takes LittleG to the potty.  I get LittleG into his pajamas and EmCee proceeds to put headphones on and go to sleep.  The conversation is done.)

What I realized tonight, is that all I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge his mistakes.  But tonight, I realized he never will.  He will never accept responsibility for his actions or words.  And if that’s the case, there is nothing else I can do, except move on.

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He Needed To Be Taught A Lesson

I’m not sure who acts like more of a child sometimes, my 42 year old husband or my 6 year old son.  Actually, I think my 6 year old is more mature sometimes than my husband.  Tonight, he did it again.  Not LittleG, EmCee of course!

And of course, EmCee’s behavior was justified because it was a result of our son’s actions and my (emotional, bitchy period) reactions.

I came home after a long day of work, and immediately headed to the kitchen to cook dinner.  Funny how I’m married to a husband who has a degree in Culinary Science and yet, never cooks a meal!

I told LittleG, “You’ve watched TV and played video games all day at Mommy’s store, now it’s time to sit down and do your homework.  THEN you can watch TV.”

(Put on repeat 3x times)

Finally, LittleG sat down at the kitchen table to do his homework (1 math worksheet & 1 grammar worksheet).  I assumed EmCee would help him, but again EmCee is too busy to be bothered as he sat there plastered to his computer, glancing over at LittleG’s papers.

“That S is sloppy.  It looks like an upside down 5.  You’ve had an S in your last name for 6 years now, and you’ve been writing it for 2 years.  Fix it.”

(Oh here we go again, I thought to myself as I prepped the potatoes and green beans).

“That S still doesn’t look right.  Fix it.  Is there something the matter with you?  Don’t you care about your homework?” (Insert condescending, demeaning voice rising to near yelling levels).

Now, EmCee goes off into a tirade.  Obviously, LittleG still didn’t fix what Daddy wanted.  (As if Daddy should talk with his chicken scratch handwriting. Give me a break, the kid is 6 and his handwriting is good for a 6 yr old!)

“If you don’t care, then I DON’T CARE!”

EmCee picks up Little G’s folder, homework notebook, grammar workbook and THROWS them across the room.  “Since you don’t care, I DON’T CARE!”

I unfortunately, can’t stand his bullshit anymore and immediately step up to him.  Someone needs to protect LittleG.  “Who’s the child here, him or you?  What kind of example are you showing him by throwing his books?  This is the second time in a month you’ve thrown something at him to prove your point and I’m not going to tolerate it.”

“Oh, see, now you’ve got your mother on your side.”  (As LittleG starts hysterical crying).

“Mommy will you please help me finish my homework?”  He asks quietly, not wanting to upset his father.  I tell him to sit down calmly and we will finish it.

Homework is finished, but I’m not finished with EmCee.  As soon as LittleG is out of the room, I immediately rip into him.

“You’re such a bad father sometimes.  What kind of example are you showing him? Don’t you remember when your mother threw pea soup at you – it scarred you for life.”

“Yea, but I needed it I was acting like an asshole.  LittleG was acting like an asshole just now, making a jerk out of me.  He needed to be taught a lesson.  I needed to make a point and sometimes you need to make a point!” (pause) “I hate you for calling me a bad father, I AM NOT A BAD FATHER!”

(Calling him this always hits a nerve, because his own dad abandoned him).

“Oh, what am I going to regret saying that? (Insert sarcasm here,  as I referred to one of our prior arguments when he told me I was going to regret it) Why because I’m a woman, I shouldn’t open my mouth?  Am I supposed to stand here and let you abuse my son?”

“It’s not abuse, he was making a jerk off out of me. I was making a point.”

(Yea, that you’re an asshole).

“You shouldn’t throw things.  You’re teaching him that it is OK to throw things when he is angry or when things aren’t going his way.  And you wonder why we are having behavioral problems with him in school.”

“Oh, you should talk.  Mother of the year.   How many times do you raise your voice and yell at him?”

“But I never throw things.  And I never hit him.  I’m not sarcastic or condescending to him.  We all yell at our kids sometimes EmCee, it happens.  But that doesn’t make me a bad parent.”

Of course, as soon as you point out his mistakes or flaws, he can “never take the hit” as he calls it.  He will never accept blame.  He always turns it around on everyone else and makes sure to point out their flaws.  His behavior is always justified.  His behavior is always perfect.  He’s allowed to because he’s “the man” of the house.  We should respect him.

I knew the conversation was only going to get worse.  So I decided not to add any more fuel to the fire.  I let it be and ended the argument like this:

“Well if  if my behavior is that flawed, I would welcome someone pointing out to me my mistakes so that I can correct them.  No one is perfect, not even me.  So next time you feel that I am being the bad parent, why don’t you tell me.”

And I’m sure he will. He will savor every moment letting me know how screwed up a parent I am.  Now, I just have to make sure I don’t give him the opportunity to do so.

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You Big Bully – The Jekyll and Hyde Personality

Nothing can prepare you for living or working with a sociopathic serial bully. It is the most devastating, draining, misunderstood, and ultimately futile experience imaginable” – Tim Field
This quote today was especially important to me because once again EmCee and LittleG once again got into a battle during bathtime last night.  EmCee instructed LittleG not to go into the bathtub until the water was tested.  LittleG came into my bedroom while I was putting away laundry and I thought he was goofing around so I said to him, “You better go take a bath before Daddy gets mad.  We don’t want Daddy mad, do we?”  LittleG must have gotten confused by the varying instructions and ran into the bathroom and jumped into the bathtub.  EmCee sees this and screams at him on top of his lungs, “What are you a fucking idiot?” I immediately ran into the room and told EmCee, “Stop dropping the F bomb and stop calling him an idiot because he is not one.”  Bathtime proceeded as usual, with EmCee firmly disciplining LittleG about the dangers of scalding hot water and why jumping in to an untested tub was not safe.   Although I agree that LittleG shouldn’t jump into untested waters, I disagree with the method in which EmCee discussed it.  After bath time was over, something else happend (I’m not sure what transpired as I was still putting away laundry) but LittleG came running  back into the bedroom crying and EmCee shouting at him about “Fucking Shit” – that’s when I lost my mind and told EmCee to once again stop using the “F-Bomb” and cursing at a 6 year old.

I put LittleG to sleep last night and assured him, “You’re not stupid.  You’re not an idiot and you’re not retarded.  Daddy is having a bad night again, he doesn’t mean it.  But he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”  After hugs and kisses the night resumed.  EmCee informed me at about 11:30 pm that he “felt badly” for talking to LittleG like that and wanted LittleG to sleep with us in bed.  This after EmCee knows that I don’t sleep well with LittleG in bed, but I agreed because LittleG was very upset at his father’s behavior.

So today, I began looking up bullying. Because it feels like I’m living with a bully and a classic verbal / emotional abuser.

Within the quote above, the phrase “sociopathic serial bully” popped out to me – I had never heard of this term, even though I have a Masters in Criminal Justice and took extensive psychology and sociology courses.  So I looked it up and lo and behold, I found this page Behavior Of The Serial Bully and what do you know? EmCee fits almost every characteristic on that list!

Now, in the past I have asked EmCee to go for Anger Management counseling and he has refused.  EmCee has a “respect” issue as I call it – if he feels like he is being disrespected he gets extremely nasty towards me (or whoever “disrespects” him).  Ten years ago I would say to him, “What are you pissed off because I’m a woman?” I honestly thought he secretly had this hidden issue with women being smarter / more independent / etc .. than him.  Over the years, my “woman” comment turned into “What are you pissed off because you think you’re older and wiser than me?” (EmCee and I are ten years apart, he’s older).   But what I now realize is that EmCee is a serial bully with anger management and control freak issues.  Additionally, he’s selfish, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive.

In January of this year (2010) I tried (it was the 4th attempt in a year) to leave him.  He dragged out a screaming match with me for nearly 24 hours refusing to let me leave the house, refusing to get counseling and even at one point, drawing back his fist to punch me in the face.  He wore me down and tired me out until I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) leave.  I’ll never forget that day.  I begged him to go to counseling but he refused.  I called a counselor and made an appointment for myself and asked him to go with me.  He said no.  Right before I was going to leave, he decided he was going to go, but would only go if I drove him.  (Control again, he wouldn’t let me drive alone).  When we got to the counselor, he manipulated the counselor and made me look like the bad guy.  He told the counselor he was “afraid of being abandoned” and left on the side of the road, the carpet pulled out from under his feet.  The counselor said, it was because his Dad left him when he was a child.  But my issues, such as verbal abuse, sexual perversion (constant and continual use of pornography), control (i’m not allowed to go places such as the mall by myself, he has to be with me), and his lack of respect towards me in the bedroom – were not real issues that couldn’t be solved.

Upon our return home that afternoon, he badgered me in the car telling me he didn’t want to waist another year of his life in a marriage that he wasn’t wanted in.  I told him that I loved him but he needed to change.  I told him that we both needed counseling.  He said he didn’t need counseling, he was down that road before with his ex-wife and nothing changed (BTW, his abusive issues were all mentioned in the divorce papers from his ex – but he told me she was “crazy” and staged a fake “rape” to get out of the marriage). So here we were with him telling me I couldn’t leave, counseling was not an option and he didn’t want to stay in a marriage that was only going to end.

That evening, I still wanted to leave.  He was calm.  I walked the dogs and thought about how I was going to leave, where I was going to go, where to take LittleG.

I come back and EmCee tells me, “Go wake up LittleG.  You need to tell him that you’re leaving.”  So I wake up LittleG and sit him down next to me, I tell him, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy so we are going to live apart for a while and you’re going to stay with me.  You’ll see Daddy often.”

EmCee interrupted, “No, tell him why you’re really leaving.  Tell him you want to go, that YOUR breaking up the family because all you care about is YOUR happiness.”

LittleG falls into tears, hysterical crying.  Now EmCee has pulled out his final card – using our son against me to keep me to stay.  So I stay, reluctantly, because I can’t see my son being hurt or in pain.

Later on that night, EmCee tells me something I will never forget:

“You hurt people.  You’ve always hurt people.  This is what you do.  You go into relationships and then you leave people.”

I will never forget EmCee telling me that.  It cut my heart in two and made me question myself.  But that’s what manipulators do.  THEY HURT PEOPLE.

In every relationship, there is always a possibility that it won’t last forever (as much as we hope that it does).  But things change sometimes, people change.  But ultimately, no one enters a relationship just for the sake of hurting someone.  And in the end, I am heading for a divorce, because I can no longer live with my bully.

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I’m Not Listening … Do You Hear Yourself?

There he goes again.  I  just knew it would be one of those days.  LittleG had a bad day at school, so I suggested we go to the toy store for shopping.  After all, LittleG had a few gift cards left over for his birthday, so I figured “Why not?”  It’s certainly better than shoving food in his face and causing an emotional-eating disorder.  Well EmCee decided he was going to put his puss face on the entire time (you know because it wasn’t a store that he wanted to go to, or had things he wanted to buy).

LittleG was taking about an hour, and I was tired from walking up and down the same aisles.  I didn’t complain though.  “EmCee! Can you come here, I need help getting this down.”  EmCee looks at me and doesn’t budge.  So I call to him again, “I’m coming, babe.”  As he slowly saunters down the remote control car aisle.  “LittleG wants a clear car, can you see if there are any all the way in the back?”  He immediately shouts out, “It’s not clear, it’s all they have.”  Quite annoyed.  Give me a break, just check for the kid.  Would it kill you so much.

Oh yes, it would, because you’re a selfish ass half the time.  That’s right, if it doesn’t involve you, it’s just not important.  We walk out of the store and he’s got “the look” on.  “What’s wrong?” I ask.  “Nothing.”  I can already tell its going to be one of those nights.  We plow on….

By the time we get home from our errands for the evening, its nearly 7:30 pm.  The crockpot is cooking away beef stew for the evening because I knew we would be late home.  I love the crock pot for this reason!  LittleG had asked for pizza on the way home, which we stopped to pick up.  But the house is a mess (as usual when EmCee works from home).  I immediately start to straighten the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and straightening the countertops.  (BTW, by this time I’m annoyed the house is so messy and I am starving).

EmCee, breaks open the pizza box at the stove top and starts eating.  Now, the dogs need to be fed, LittleG needs his dinner, the kitchen needs to be windexed, dishes out of the sink into the dishwasher, dishwasher emptied, and so forth … I look at EmCee… is he kidding me?  Everyone is hunrgy, why did he stop to eat?

“Really, EmCee? Really?  I’m hungry too you know!”

*Dirty look* Not sure what I did to deserve the dirty look, all I wanted was a bit of help, you know put the pizza in a dish for our son, maybe feed the dogs while I windex the kitchen and put stuff away so we can sit down and eat dinner in peace and cleanliness.  But no, he had to forget everything else and just stuff his mouth.  Of course, I should have known, it’s all about him, isn’t it.

It’s ALWAYS about him.

After dinner, I say to LittleG who is watching TV.  “After, Mommy has a cigarette we need to do homework.” (That was his 5 minute warning).  I sit down next to EmCee.  EmCee directs at LittleG, “Get me your schoolbag.”

LittleG responds, “But Mommy didn’t have her cigarette yet!”

Well now that just sends EmCee into a tongue lashing,

“Who are you to backtalk to me?  I said get me your schoolbag.  Would it hurt you to listen to me for once without questioning everything I say?” (Now, EmCee is getting himself more and more enraged)

“Turn off the TV NOW!!!  Come here and give me your backpack.  I wanted to look over what you had for homework.” (LittleG hands him the backpack and sits on the bench, with  his head in his hands on the table).

“WHAT??!? Now that’s how you behave?  Go sit on the couch and wait for your mother.” (Are you serious EmCee?  Really? Come on now, LittleG wasn’t back talking or giving you grief.)

We start our homework while EmCee now sits on the couch and puts on TV (This after I told EmCee repeatedly NOT to watch TV while we do homework because it distracts our little man.  I’ve asked him numerous times to watch TV in the family room which is in the basement!) While watching TV, EmCee falls asleep on the couch.  We finish our homework, read a story, study for our test and practice our guitar lessons.  EmCee wakes up after all of this to have a “smoke” and watch TV.

After a bit of running around, I inform LittleG it was bedtime, off to the bedroom we go, LittleG taking a monkey eraser in his hand. We brush our teeth, go potty and get ready for bed.  EmCee comes upstairs and grabs the eraser and mumbles something about it.  LittleG immediately says, “But it’s mine, Daddy!”

“Are you raising your voice to me? Who are you raising your voice to?  Now, you can’t have the eraser, it’s going in my pocket.  And get yourself dressed for bed.”  EmCee proceeds to throw LittleG’s pajamas at his face and turns to storm out.

“Don’t you treat him like that.  He didn’t hear you.”

“Well, I’m tired of him always raising his voice and back talking to me.”

(The conversation continued, but I won’t continue to bore you.) LittleG was left standing there dejected while I tried to console him and get him dressed for bed.  Mind you, I’m in trouble now for protecting my son and standing up for him.

*Bedtime*

“Mommy, why is Daddy always, you know….”

“Why is Daddy always what?”

“You know … (silence) … mean”

“I don’t know why Daddy is always mean.  Not all Daddies are mean, LittleG. I’m sorry he upset you.”

We say goodnight and give hugs and kisses, I proceed downstairs…. EmCee is at the kitchen table, with his iPhone and earbuds in his ear.

“Are you coming downstairs to watch TV?” I ask.

“No, I’m going to sleep.” EmCee replies with a pissed off face on.

I walk downstairs to check my emails and facebook, its just better not to engage him in conversation.

20 minutes later, I hear “Goodnight” Like the dutiful wife, I go upstairs and kiss him goodnight and say a prayer of thanks that he’s going to bed.  I don’t want to deal with him anymore.  I’m so tired of this life.

 

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Some Days Are Better Than Others

Some days are better than others, this I know is true.  And it is often that these days, are the days when things just look OK, that life is tolerable and that I can make it through.  But no matter how good those days are, I can’t see that I am truly happy in the situation I am in.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day about Emcee (that’s the name I will give my husband on here, because he always likes to be the center of attention and hold “court” as he calls it).  I told my mother straight out, “I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy and not be alone, but overall, I am not in love with him.”

I could list a million things he does that absolutely drive me insane, but the bottom line is, no one is going to get a divorce over not flushing the toilet, or constantly being on the cell phone, or falling asleep on the couch and snoring during my favorite show.  Those are the little things you come to live with and accept as part of your partner.

It’s the big things, the constant never changing attributes that slowly gnaw at the relationship, eventually slowing its growth and being in charge for it’s demise. Those are the things that will cause a divorce.

I’ll give you an example … my son, LittleG will push anyone’s buttons.  He’s not a bad kid at all, he’s a pleasure – naturally curious, always talking and asking questions.  Everyone loves him.  He’s a sweet 6 year old.  But he doesn’t pay attention.  And that drives EmCee insane.  It drives me insane too sometimes, but I don’t yell and lash out at him.  EmCee will.  EmCee will infact, say things to LittleG such as, “Are you retarded?  Is there something wrong with you?  I should take you to the doctor…”

I’ve disagreed on this with EmCee quite often, our child rearing ideas differ on this topic.  My mother has said to me in EmCee’s defense, “He never had a father in his life.  He doesn’t know how to be a dad.”  or “You don’t think he really means that do you? That’s just the way he is.”

Maybe, just maybe, I’m crazy for thinking that this seems like verbal abuse?  How you’re never supposed to use words like “retarded” towards a child?  When I have corrected him, he agreed reluctantly, because he is very “old school” in his train of thought.  It’s not to say it never happened again, because it has.  Over and over, maybe not always the same words, but the same meaning behind them.

What disgusts me even more is that my mother stood up and defended his behavior!  I know she was only trying to ration with me and calm me down, try to keep the marriage together, but I am adamant that those words are unacceptable towards a child!

It’s late and I’m tired, the sun always comes out tomorrow.  And its another day.  I just need someone to tell me, I’m not wrong!

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