Posts Tagged child rearing issues
I feel like screaming right now. How can a good evening turn sour so quickly? Tonight, after dinner, I sat on the couch cuddling with LittleG as EmCee sat in the kitchen entertaining his long time friend, Dee. (All names have been changed to protect identities). It was just past bedtime for LittleG and of course, the rowdiness kicks in – climbing on me, pulling my hair, tickling me – all in the name of fun – you know the last dance before the evening ends. So EmCee begins to walk past the TV as in saying (time for bed), and LittleG goofing around says, “I can push you.” and so he does… and EmCee says “Oh yea, well I can walk right through you.”
And so he does, only he accidentally knocks LittleG into the wooden and glass coffee table and LittleG’s head hits it so hard, I flew off the couch to carry him to the kitchen for an ice pack – immediately.
But no sooner than I can get my hands on ice, LittleG is screaming, “You don’t care about me. No one cares about me. My family doesn’t care about me, my friends don’t care about me.”
He goes running upstairs, but before he goes completely up, he pokes his head over the banister, “When I get older, I’m gonna blame you, like you blame me for everything.”
Words of a child. Not my words, even though later on, EmCee firmly stated to me that the only way a child would say that is if he heard it from me. No, my dear, EmCee, don’t be fooled by a child’s ability to perceive. He’s not dumb, nor is he stupid. He is quite smart and very well aware that you, EmCee, blame everything on everyone, but yourself.
It’s time to look in a mirror, EmCee.
After I comfort LittleG upstairs and finally get him to bed, I am fuming. Sure it was an accident, but EmCee’s behavior last night combined with tonight, was just a bit too much for me to take. So I broke.
But here’s a quick run down of last night (2/3/11) that kind of prompted tonight’s battle:
Last night, I called EmCee from the car and said, “I’m making meatloaf, mashed potatoes and carrots for dinner, is that alright?”
EmCee: “Why don’t you make meatballs and spaghetti?” (His favorite thing, but he would eat a whole box of spaghetti himself if i let him).
LittleG: But I want meatloaf!
EmCee: But you don’t eat meatloaf.
LittleG: But Mommy says it tastes like meatballs.
Me, to EmCee: It’s easier if I make meatloaf, its quicker. It’s late already and I have to pick up your mom. If I have to run to the store to get basil and sauce, its going to be very late by the time dinner is ready. Besides, I thought you liked meatloaf?
EmCee: “Fine, but make meatballs tomorrow when Dee comes over.”
(Sounds good so far right??”
At the dinner table:
EmCee sees LittleG picking at his meatloaf, “What’s the matter LittleG?”
LittleG: “Nothing” (quietly)
a few moments later, LittleG: “Mommy, this meatloaf tastes sour.”
Me: “Ok let me taste it.” (I taste it) “Its not sour, LittleG, that’s the way it tastes.”
LittleG: Well, I don’t like it.
EmCee: “You ruined my dinner. You RUINED dinner for everyone. It’s all because of YOU that Mommy made meatloaf. I wanted spaghetti.” (In his condescending, I am God tone).
How childish, EmCee is. I made EmCee apologize for his comment almost immediately, I refuse to sit there and watch my son be treated like that. I told him that just because LittleG is 6, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings. EmCee reluctantly apologized. It wasn’t until nearly midnight that EmCee told me that he realized he was wrong. But I don’t think EmCee actually understands the degree his words can scar LittleG.
Tonight, after bed.
I explained to EmCee that his words scar LittleG and I can’t take it anymore. I tell him that for 2 years we have been going on like this and its not improving. That I’m not happy. That we are two different people. That he would be happier with someone else to fuck. That I am not the same person anymore, I have changed. That I can’t take that every night there is an argument or a disagreement in the house. That I have to walk on eggshells to know if he’s in a good or bad mood. That I have to tell LittleG “Don’t do that, you may get Daddy angry.” That his temper can change on a drop of a dime, and we have to be little soldiers or he gets upset.
I told him “I will not tolerate your abuse anymore!”
“Well if you only played by the rules, I wouldn’t get upset.”
“Exactly, but who defines those rules? You do. You make the rules and we all have to abide by them. If I want to go to yoga, you talk me out of it, if I want to go to the mall, I can’t go alone. If I want to go out with my friends, you tell them just to stay here. Who makes these rules, I don’t”
“Well you don’t listen to me anyway… (goes off on a tirade of how he gives me all these “freedoms”, how he is a good father and always takes care of Gabe when I’m not around, etc…)
“EmCee I’m pointing out issues we are having. Instead of acknowledging them and trying to resolve them, once again, you are pointing out things LittleG and I do. You’re circumventing the real issues here. Why don’t you just take responsibility for once?”
“I don’t have any issues, but you do. Go sow your wild oats, go have your freedom and find yourself. If that’s what you want, just do it. Leave. As a matter of fact I’ll help you pack up. But be careful what you wish for.”
“Be careful what I wish for? That sounds like a threat.”
“No, that’s not a threat, just be careful what you wish for. But you’re going to regret it. You’re going to regret leaving me. This is a big mistake.”
(At this point, he takes his computer, and says goodnight and begins to walk upstairs)
“Are you just going to leave and not finish this discussion?”
“There’s nothing to discuss, I am done. You’re going to regret it.”
“But you won’t even acknowledge the issues or talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.
(I follow him upstairs and he takes LittleG to the potty. I get LittleG into his pajamas and EmCee proceeds to put headphones on and go to sleep. The conversation is done.)
What I realized tonight, is that all I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge his mistakes. But tonight, I realized he never will. He will never accept responsibility for his actions or words. And if that’s the case, there is nothing else I can do, except move on.
My husband and son are two peas in a pod. When they want something, they are relentless, hounding until they get it. I suppose my son is only a byproduct of my husband’s greed and lack of discipline in saying “no”. Hubby says it is only because he grew up “poor” and “had nothing” and that he makes money and can buy what he wants.
But at what expense?
There is a point in life where you realize that there is a difference between wants and needs. Neither my son nor my husband can seemingly distinguish from the two. What triggered this tonight? It wasn’t my husband this time (inadvertently it is) but it was my son’s temper tantrum over him wanting things way too much (This week I’ve been asked for pokemon cards, ps3 games, hot wheels, a bunk bed, smoothies, new sneakers and some more items which I am probably forgetting). When I tell my son, “No” it isn’t because I can’t afford it, it’s because he already has too much – another thing will just be a waste of money as it’s tossed to the side a day later.
But I do blame my husband and it is one of the main reasons why I am bitter, resentful and unhappy in our marriage. No matter what EmCee wants, no matter the expense, no matter how hard I will have to work to pay it off, he gets what he wants. And he gets it RIGHT NOW.
Hubby spends money like water. As if money grew on the trees outside our home – that we can pick off what we want, whenever we want it. His habits are frivolous, outrageous and over the top. After 7 years of marriage (and 9 years of living together) you would think we would have upgraded our 2 bedroom starter townhome into a growth home – you know where you raise a family!?! But because of hubby’s spending, we can’t afford it. (And we make enough to afford a very nice 4-5 bedroom home!)
Here’s some highlights of how he controls the money and how he bleeds me of every dime I have:
- We’ve refinanced our home 3 times in the past 7 years to pay off his credit cards. Each time, they were over 20k. He says he bought things for the family (well where are these “things” I want to know). If you look at his statements, they are mainly all food purchases. (Oh right, we spent 60k in eating out?!?!). Closer inspection, he’s paid for company lunches (and said they paid him in cash, he just put it on his card for the “miles”) he also regularly went out for $30 dollar lunches at his lunch hour. As soon as the cards were paid off, he charged up a storm again until I screamed and told him to stop.
- A fourth time (January 2009) I withdrew 20k in my own personal (private) savings from a injury settlement I won, to again pay off his credit card bill. He will say again it was for things for the family (I want to know where 80k in items are in my house). And he will argue that I have a card too (which I don’t carry with me and I never use, I use my own credit cards and I pay off my own bills – with my own money from my own paychecks).
- August 2009 his credit card was back up to 12k, which I withdrew money from our business to pay off again. Granted 4k was a family trip to Disney World.
- January 2010 his credit card bill was back up to 18k (after only 4 months) – at that point I sat him down and told him that I was not going to withdraw more money from the business to pay off his debt. I told him that he was spending more than he was making per month and it HAD to stop. When he argued with me over it, I presented him with the statements and he appeared shocked it was all restaurant and food purchases, mainly. Since I refused to pay off his bills this year, the bill is slowly being paid off. Its down to about 8k, but guess what? I’ve taken our 10k from the business to pay it off. He claims he is “owed” this money since he (on paper) is a partner of the business. I say he’s just bleeding me dry. He doesn’t work for the business (he’s got a full time job) and I am the sole operator of the daily, day to day activities. (Actually, the business would not exist without me).
- Greed? The pièce de résistance is this: On my 31th birthday in 2008, he drove me to the mall. I thought maybe he was going to buy me a birthday gift. No, he wanted an iPhone. There was nothing wrong with the phone he had, he just wanted a damn iPhone. I hid under the escalator in the mall and cried to my best friend that I was going to do whatever it took to divorce him. He was so inconsiderate that day, he didn’t realize I was crying, he didn’t care it was my birthday, he didn’t buy me a gift, he didn’t even buy me a card!! When we came home, he took out a 100 calorie carrot cake, stuck a used candle in it and said “Happy Birthday” – go fuck yourself, EmCee. An iPhone is more important than acknowledging I exist?
- His shopping habits are insane. We went to the Puma store and he bought 6 pairs of sneakers, in every color they had in his size. Black and orange suede, black and green suede, red and white, solid white, white and green … he’s got about 20 pairs of sneakers in his closet. Not to mention tons of dress shoes he never wears. Jeans? About 20 pair. Work pants? About 40. Shirts – when he goes to Tommy Hilfiger he will buy every polo shirt in every color. He takes up the dresser, a nightstand and the double closets in our room. (Me? I share a closet with my son and storage).
- For his 40th birthday in 2008, I bought him a brand new MacBook. In January 2010, because Apple came out with a new model, he had to spend another $1500 to replace his. (His excuse, our son could use his old one).
- When the iPad came out in March-April 2010, he had to be one of the first people to get one. Because carrying an iPhone and owning a brand new MacBook wasn’t enough.
- When the office moved in 2008 to our new location, he demanded we buy a Apple because it looks “trendy” when customers come in. Meanwhile, none of the employees (or myself) feel comfortable using a Mac. There goes another $2200 down the drain …
- When my car lease was expiring, I wanted to look at a Ford Edge because it had the sync system and was affordable. He told me to drive to Porsche because they were running “deals” and I would get a similar payment to that of a Ford. I couldn’t stay for the salesman to look up the inventory or the pricing (I had an appointment) but when I cam back, my credit had already been run and the car was being prepped for me. All I had to do was “sign” the paperwork. (He will blame me and say I wanted it, but to this day I maintain I didn’t. Hey, I used to drive a Honda Civic for pete’s sake!)
- When I point out to him the amount of money we’ve thrown away, he says its all my fault. I wanted to go on vacation. I needed designer jeans (I have 4 pairs that were bought because he said I “looked hot” in them), I needed the Porsche, I needed ….
- When I took a vacation to Europe with my girlfriends, he said he couldn’t “stay home” with our son. So he booked a trip to the Caribbean. Not only did he book a trip, but he purchased first class plane tickets for both himself and our son and charged them (he said using points made no sense). And purchased a 5 star, all inclusive resort. He told me I didn’t need first class airfare, but he did, since he was flying with our son alone. Total cost of his trip? 8k plus the 1k he took for “spending money”. Total cost of my trip: just under 2k (again, I paid for my own trip – 1600 in airfare/hotel, 400 in spending money).
You see, it’s not that we don’t have money to afford a bigger house or to have more children. It’s the fact that he likes to keep us where we are at so I can’t expand our family. (Again, he doesn’t want more kids).
But what pissed me off last night was this:
I have lost my mojo. I just don’t want to have sex anymore. At least not with him (not that I want sex with anyone else either). And when we do have sex, he’s so rough – it hurts. So after I gave into his sexual whims last night … I grinned and bared it for 10 minutes but stopped him so he wouldn’t orgasm – he tells me:
“Well if you won’t have sex with me, there’s nothing I can do. It’s not a problem, yet. (pause) I guess I’ll just have to go out and buy more toys. More expensive toys. I think I hear a Corvette coming.”
Hmm… I think I hear something, but it’s not a Corvette. The sound of divorce papers being signed. After I come back from vacation, I will be visiting a lawyer. I rather be poor and broke and happy – than have money with you and be miserable. This is not a healthy marriage. This is not a healthy life. What the hell am I teaching my son when his own father sets such a poor example? I have to run, run and run out of here. As fast as I can.
And he will say the Corvette was only a “joke” but I know from his spending habits – its not a joke. He could drive home any night with one if he wanted to financially screw me some more.
If he was a spiritual man, he might take heed of these warnings, but because he is an atheist (that’s another post) I doubt these will do much good.
“Hell has three gates: lust, anger, and greed” – Bhagavad Gita
The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. – Jesus
And yes, his love of money is the root of all his evil. And he fits the other two: lust and greed. I have a plan. Will you see me through to fruition?
There he goes again. I just knew it would be one of those days. LittleG had a bad day at school, so I suggested we go to the toy store for shopping. After all, LittleG had a few gift cards left over for his birthday, so I figured “Why not?” It’s certainly better than shoving food in his face and causing an emotional-eating disorder. Well EmCee decided he was going to put his puss face on the entire time (you know because it wasn’t a store that he wanted to go to, or had things he wanted to buy).
LittleG was taking about an hour, and I was tired from walking up and down the same aisles. I didn’t complain though. “EmCee! Can you come here, I need help getting this down.” EmCee looks at me and doesn’t budge. So I call to him again, “I’m coming, babe.” As he slowly saunters down the remote control car aisle. “LittleG wants a clear car, can you see if there are any all the way in the back?” He immediately shouts out, “It’s not clear, it’s all they have.” Quite annoyed. Give me a break, just check for the kid. Would it kill you so much.
Oh yes, it would, because you’re a selfish ass half the time. That’s right, if it doesn’t involve you, it’s just not important. We walk out of the store and he’s got “the look” on. “What’s wrong?” I ask. “Nothing.” I can already tell its going to be one of those nights. We plow on….
By the time we get home from our errands for the evening, its nearly 7:30 pm. The crockpot is cooking away beef stew for the evening because I knew we would be late home. I love the crock pot for this reason! LittleG had asked for pizza on the way home, which we stopped to pick up. But the house is a mess (as usual when EmCee works from home). I immediately start to straighten the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and straightening the countertops. (BTW, by this time I’m annoyed the house is so messy and I am starving).
EmCee, breaks open the pizza box at the stove top and starts eating. Now, the dogs need to be fed, LittleG needs his dinner, the kitchen needs to be windexed, dishes out of the sink into the dishwasher, dishwasher emptied, and so forth … I look at EmCee… is he kidding me? Everyone is hunrgy, why did he stop to eat?
“Really, EmCee? Really? I’m hungry too you know!”
*Dirty look* Not sure what I did to deserve the dirty look, all I wanted was a bit of help, you know put the pizza in a dish for our son, maybe feed the dogs while I windex the kitchen and put stuff away so we can sit down and eat dinner in peace and cleanliness. But no, he had to forget everything else and just stuff his mouth. Of course, I should have known, it’s all about him, isn’t it.
It’s ALWAYS about him.
After dinner, I say to LittleG who is watching TV. “After, Mommy has a cigarette we need to do homework.” (That was his 5 minute warning). I sit down next to EmCee. EmCee directs at LittleG, “Get me your schoolbag.”
LittleG responds, “But Mommy didn’t have her cigarette yet!”
Well now that just sends EmCee into a tongue lashing,
“Turn off the TV NOW!!! Come here and give me your backpack. I wanted to look over what you had for homework.” (LittleG hands him the backpack and sits on the bench, with his head in his hands on the table).
“WHAT??!? Now that’s how you behave? Go sit on the couch and wait for your mother.” (Are you serious EmCee? Really? Come on now, LittleG wasn’t back talking or giving you grief.)
We start our homework while EmCee now sits on the couch and puts on TV (This after I told EmCee repeatedly NOT to watch TV while we do homework because it distracts our little man. I’ve asked him numerous times to watch TV in the family room which is in the basement!) While watching TV, EmCee falls asleep on the couch. We finish our homework, read a story, study for our test and practice our guitar lessons. EmCee wakes up after all of this to have a “smoke” and watch TV.
After a bit of running around, I inform LittleG it was bedtime, off to the bedroom we go, LittleG taking a monkey eraser in his hand. We brush our teeth, go potty and get ready for bed. EmCee comes upstairs and grabs the eraser and mumbles something about it. LittleG immediately says, “But it’s mine, Daddy!”
“Are you raising your voice to me? Who are you raising your voice to? Now, you can’t have the eraser, it’s going in my pocket. And get yourself dressed for bed.” EmCee proceeds to throw LittleG’s pajamas at his face and turns to storm out.
“Don’t you treat him like that. He didn’t hear you.”
“Well, I’m tired of him always raising his voice and back talking to me.”
(The conversation continued, but I won’t continue to bore you.) LittleG was left standing there dejected while I tried to console him and get him dressed for bed. Mind you, I’m in trouble now for protecting my son and standing up for him.
“Mommy, why is Daddy always, you know….”
“Why is Daddy always what?”
“You know … (silence) … mean”
“I don’t know why Daddy is always mean. Not all Daddies are mean, LittleG. I’m sorry he upset you.”
We say goodnight and give hugs and kisses, I proceed downstairs…. EmCee is at the kitchen table, with his iPhone and earbuds in his ear.
“Are you coming downstairs to watch TV?” I ask.
“No, I’m going to sleep.” EmCee replies with a pissed off face on.
I walk downstairs to check my emails and facebook, its just better not to engage him in conversation.
20 minutes later, I hear “Goodnight” Like the dutiful wife, I go upstairs and kiss him goodnight and say a prayer of thanks that he’s going to bed. I don’t want to deal with him anymore. I’m so tired of this life.
Some days are better than others, this I know is true. And it is often that these days, are the days when things just look OK, that life is tolerable and that I can make it through. But no matter how good those days are, I can’t see that I am truly happy in the situation I am in.
I had a conversation with my mother the other day about Emcee (that’s the name I will give my husband on here, because he always likes to be the center of attention and hold “court” as he calls it). I told my mother straight out, “I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy and not be alone, but overall, I am not in love with him.”
I could list a million things he does that absolutely drive me insane, but the bottom line is, no one is going to get a divorce over not flushing the toilet, or constantly being on the cell phone, or falling asleep on the couch and snoring during my favorite show. Those are the little things you come to live with and accept as part of your partner.
It’s the big things, the constant never changing attributes that slowly gnaw at the relationship, eventually slowing its growth and being in charge for it’s demise. Those are the things that will cause a divorce.
I’ll give you an example … my son, LittleG will push anyone’s buttons. He’s not a bad kid at all, he’s a pleasure – naturally curious, always talking and asking questions. Everyone loves him. He’s a sweet 6 year old. But he doesn’t pay attention. And that drives EmCee insane. It drives me insane too sometimes, but I don’t yell and lash out at him. EmCee will. EmCee will infact, say things to LittleG such as, “Are you retarded? Is there something wrong with you? I should take you to the doctor…”
I’ve disagreed on this with EmCee quite often, our child rearing ideas differ on this topic. My mother has said to me in EmCee’s defense, “He never had a father in his life. He doesn’t know how to be a dad.” or “You don’t think he really means that do you? That’s just the way he is.”
Maybe, just maybe, I’m crazy for thinking that this seems like verbal abuse? How you’re never supposed to use words like “retarded” towards a child? When I have corrected him, he agreed reluctantly, because he is very “old school” in his train of thought. It’s not to say it never happened again, because it has. Over and over, maybe not always the same words, but the same meaning behind them.
What disgusts me even more is that my mother stood up and defended his behavior! I know she was only trying to ration with me and calm me down, try to keep the marriage together, but I am adamant that those words are unacceptable towards a child!
It’s late and I’m tired, the sun always comes out tomorrow. And its another day. I just need someone to tell me, I’m not wrong!