And i feel
Despair kissing our lips again
And i feel
Despair holding our hearts again
– Again, HIM
Although I have been quiet on here lately, it doesn’t mean the issues have faded or disappeared. On the contrary, they have just manifested over and over again. It’s never enough. No matter how much I give, no matter how much I try it’s never enough.
Nothing is ever enough for him. We give and give, and he takes and takes. He will continue to take until there is no more. And even after I am depleted, he will want more.
Every New Year’s we take vacations separately. I visit my friends in Europe, he visits his friends in Jamaica. And yes, we just got back from a family vacation in October. And another family vacation just before that in July.
At first, his plane was canceled due to the heavy snows we had here in the northeast, but was rescheduled for 2 days later. My plane however, was not canceled, which caused him to spin into a frenzy that I was getting away before him. As if I had the upper hand, the advantage in his game of tit for tat. Not that he said anything to me directly, but I could hear the panic in his voice, see the insanity in his eyes as he called the airline on Christmas Day pleading to change his flight to that evening so he could escape before the snows. How he sat for nearly 24 hours in front of the computer trying to figure out a way to escape before me.
Unfortunately, his prayers were left unanswered, and he was forced to take vacation 2 days later than anticipated. Oh my poor husband, his vacation was cut down to 6 days instead of 8. (Mind you, my vacation was only 6 days to begin with).
While I was overseas, Little G was with him. I was called nearly every day and tortured – getting scolded for going away on my annual vacation and leaving him “alone” to deal with our son. (Oh the horror! Can you imagine?!?) He told me that his vacation was horrible because he had no time for himself. And I couldn’t imagine what it was like to deal with our son for 24/7 (Hmm, actually I do, who do you think takes care of him the majority of the time anyway?).
I was reminded that if I was there, things would be so much easier, because EmCee would have time for himself. Please, he was in Jamaica with one of the richest families there who have a nanny watch our son and their own children when EmCee visits. I feel so sorry that he was in warm temperatures at a 5 star all inclusive resort with a nanny…. *scarcasm*
When I touched down in America a few days ago, my (childhood) best friend’s mom had died (I have known her since I’m 5) and I had to drive straight to the funeral home for the wake directly from the airport. After the wake, I ate a late dinner with her and her husband before driving another 60 miles home (by myself) only to drop off my luggage and drive another 20 miles at midnight to the airport to pick up EmCee and Little G. By the time I picked them up, it was over 24 hours since I had slept last because of the European – American time zone differences. I was practically seeing the horizon close before my eyes, but I had to drive them home.
And I was immediately bombarded with complaints.
- he had no time for himself
- he hardly slept all week
- Little G gave him a hard time
- all his vacation was spent catering to Little G
- While I was in Europe, he was in Jamaica
- He needed to book another vacation ASAP for the family, because this wasn’t a vacation for him
- He needed to book a week vacation for himself too, by himself, because he needed a rest
- why did I have to go to the wake again tomorrow and the funeral on wednesday
- and it goes on and on…
Now, I never told him to go to Jamaica in the first place. I’ve often asked him to join me in my vacation to Europe but I get told that my friends are “stupid”, “childish”, “immature”, the places I visit are “too cold”, “uninteresting” and “boring”. Because European culture and history is so boring compared to parking his fat ass on a beach all week. Pardon me that I asked you to move your fat, lazy ass and WALK around cities visiting UNESCO historical and religious sites. (Oh the horror!)
So as I am unpacking the suitcases, doing laundry and putting away the clothing … I got really aggravated and angry. He has SO many clothes that I can’t even get his tee shirts into his drawers. It is a shame that there are poor people in this world who have nothing and he just continues to buy and buy … we have too much stuff. We take too many vacations. We toss out too much wasted food. Its all waste. I started to cry (thankfully, I was alone) because he can not distinguish between wants and needs. I cry for those less fortunate than us, who are suffering through the bitterness of winter while I am stuffed to the brims in excess. It disturbs me to no end. My lifestyle is destroying my karma.
It may be never enough for him, but I have had enough. I have a goal, a date in my mind – to change my destiny. Wish me luck. More tomorrow.
My husband and son are two peas in a pod. When they want something, they are relentless, hounding until they get it. I suppose my son is only a byproduct of my husband’s greed and lack of discipline in saying “no”. Hubby says it is only because he grew up “poor” and “had nothing” and that he makes money and can buy what he wants.
But at what expense?
There is a point in life where you realize that there is a difference between wants and needs. Neither my son nor my husband can seemingly distinguish from the two. What triggered this tonight? It wasn’t my husband this time (inadvertently it is) but it was my son’s temper tantrum over him wanting things way too much (This week I’ve been asked for pokemon cards, ps3 games, hot wheels, a bunk bed, smoothies, new sneakers and some more items which I am probably forgetting). When I tell my son, “No” it isn’t because I can’t afford it, it’s because he already has too much – another thing will just be a waste of money as it’s tossed to the side a day later.
But I do blame my husband and it is one of the main reasons why I am bitter, resentful and unhappy in our marriage. No matter what EmCee wants, no matter the expense, no matter how hard I will have to work to pay it off, he gets what he wants. And he gets it RIGHT NOW.
Hubby spends money like water. As if money grew on the trees outside our home – that we can pick off what we want, whenever we want it. His habits are frivolous, outrageous and over the top. After 7 years of marriage (and 9 years of living together) you would think we would have upgraded our 2 bedroom starter townhome into a growth home – you know where you raise a family!?! But because of hubby’s spending, we can’t afford it. (And we make enough to afford a very nice 4-5 bedroom home!)
Here’s some highlights of how he controls the money and how he bleeds me of every dime I have:
- We’ve refinanced our home 3 times in the past 7 years to pay off his credit cards. Each time, they were over 20k. He says he bought things for the family (well where are these “things” I want to know). If you look at his statements, they are mainly all food purchases. (Oh right, we spent 60k in eating out?!?!). Closer inspection, he’s paid for company lunches (and said they paid him in cash, he just put it on his card for the “miles”) he also regularly went out for $30 dollar lunches at his lunch hour. As soon as the cards were paid off, he charged up a storm again until I screamed and told him to stop.
- A fourth time (January 2009) I withdrew 20k in my own personal (private) savings from a injury settlement I won, to again pay off his credit card bill. He will say again it was for things for the family (I want to know where 80k in items are in my house). And he will argue that I have a card too (which I don’t carry with me and I never use, I use my own credit cards and I pay off my own bills – with my own money from my own paychecks).
- August 2009 his credit card was back up to 12k, which I withdrew money from our business to pay off again. Granted 4k was a family trip to Disney World.
- January 2010 his credit card bill was back up to 18k (after only 4 months) – at that point I sat him down and told him that I was not going to withdraw more money from the business to pay off his debt. I told him that he was spending more than he was making per month and it HAD to stop. When he argued with me over it, I presented him with the statements and he appeared shocked it was all restaurant and food purchases, mainly. Since I refused to pay off his bills this year, the bill is slowly being paid off. Its down to about 8k, but guess what? I’ve taken our 10k from the business to pay it off. He claims he is “owed” this money since he (on paper) is a partner of the business. I say he’s just bleeding me dry. He doesn’t work for the business (he’s got a full time job) and I am the sole operator of the daily, day to day activities. (Actually, the business would not exist without me).
- Greed? The pièce de résistance is this: On my 31th birthday in 2008, he drove me to the mall. I thought maybe he was going to buy me a birthday gift. No, he wanted an iPhone. There was nothing wrong with the phone he had, he just wanted a damn iPhone. I hid under the escalator in the mall and cried to my best friend that I was going to do whatever it took to divorce him. He was so inconsiderate that day, he didn’t realize I was crying, he didn’t care it was my birthday, he didn’t buy me a gift, he didn’t even buy me a card!! When we came home, he took out a 100 calorie carrot cake, stuck a used candle in it and said “Happy Birthday” – go fuck yourself, EmCee. An iPhone is more important than acknowledging I exist?
- His shopping habits are insane. We went to the Puma store and he bought 6 pairs of sneakers, in every color they had in his size. Black and orange suede, black and green suede, red and white, solid white, white and green … he’s got about 20 pairs of sneakers in his closet. Not to mention tons of dress shoes he never wears. Jeans? About 20 pair. Work pants? About 40. Shirts – when he goes to Tommy Hilfiger he will buy every polo shirt in every color. He takes up the dresser, a nightstand and the double closets in our room. (Me? I share a closet with my son and storage).
- For his 40th birthday in 2008, I bought him a brand new MacBook. In January 2010, because Apple came out with a new model, he had to spend another $1500 to replace his. (His excuse, our son could use his old one).
- When the iPad came out in March-April 2010, he had to be one of the first people to get one. Because carrying an iPhone and owning a brand new MacBook wasn’t enough.
- When the office moved in 2008 to our new location, he demanded we buy a Apple because it looks “trendy” when customers come in. Meanwhile, none of the employees (or myself) feel comfortable using a Mac. There goes another $2200 down the drain …
- When my car lease was expiring, I wanted to look at a Ford Edge because it had the sync system and was affordable. He told me to drive to Porsche because they were running “deals” and I would get a similar payment to that of a Ford. I couldn’t stay for the salesman to look up the inventory or the pricing (I had an appointment) but when I cam back, my credit had already been run and the car was being prepped for me. All I had to do was “sign” the paperwork. (He will blame me and say I wanted it, but to this day I maintain I didn’t. Hey, I used to drive a Honda Civic for pete’s sake!)
- When I point out to him the amount of money we’ve thrown away, he says its all my fault. I wanted to go on vacation. I needed designer jeans (I have 4 pairs that were bought because he said I “looked hot” in them), I needed the Porsche, I needed ….
- When I took a vacation to Europe with my girlfriends, he said he couldn’t “stay home” with our son. So he booked a trip to the Caribbean. Not only did he book a trip, but he purchased first class plane tickets for both himself and our son and charged them (he said using points made no sense). And purchased a 5 star, all inclusive resort. He told me I didn’t need first class airfare, but he did, since he was flying with our son alone. Total cost of his trip? 8k plus the 1k he took for “spending money”. Total cost of my trip: just under 2k (again, I paid for my own trip – 1600 in airfare/hotel, 400 in spending money).
You see, it’s not that we don’t have money to afford a bigger house or to have more children. It’s the fact that he likes to keep us where we are at so I can’t expand our family. (Again, he doesn’t want more kids).
But what pissed me off last night was this:
I have lost my mojo. I just don’t want to have sex anymore. At least not with him (not that I want sex with anyone else either). And when we do have sex, he’s so rough – it hurts. So after I gave into his sexual whims last night … I grinned and bared it for 10 minutes but stopped him so he wouldn’t orgasm – he tells me:
“Well if you won’t have sex with me, there’s nothing I can do. It’s not a problem, yet. (pause) I guess I’ll just have to go out and buy more toys. More expensive toys. I think I hear a Corvette coming.”
Hmm… I think I hear something, but it’s not a Corvette. The sound of divorce papers being signed. After I come back from vacation, I will be visiting a lawyer. I rather be poor and broke and happy – than have money with you and be miserable. This is not a healthy marriage. This is not a healthy life. What the hell am I teaching my son when his own father sets such a poor example? I have to run, run and run out of here. As fast as I can.
And he will say the Corvette was only a “joke” but I know from his spending habits – its not a joke. He could drive home any night with one if he wanted to financially screw me some more.
If he was a spiritual man, he might take heed of these warnings, but because he is an atheist (that’s another post) I doubt these will do much good.
“Hell has three gates: lust, anger, and greed” – Bhagavad Gita
The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. – Jesus
And yes, his love of money is the root of all his evil. And he fits the other two: lust and greed. I have a plan. Will you see me through to fruition?
There he goes again. I just knew it would be one of those days. LittleG had a bad day at school, so I suggested we go to the toy store for shopping. After all, LittleG had a few gift cards left over for his birthday, so I figured “Why not?” It’s certainly better than shoving food in his face and causing an emotional-eating disorder. Well EmCee decided he was going to put his puss face on the entire time (you know because it wasn’t a store that he wanted to go to, or had things he wanted to buy).
LittleG was taking about an hour, and I was tired from walking up and down the same aisles. I didn’t complain though. “EmCee! Can you come here, I need help getting this down.” EmCee looks at me and doesn’t budge. So I call to him again, “I’m coming, babe.” As he slowly saunters down the remote control car aisle. “LittleG wants a clear car, can you see if there are any all the way in the back?” He immediately shouts out, “It’s not clear, it’s all they have.” Quite annoyed. Give me a break, just check for the kid. Would it kill you so much.
Oh yes, it would, because you’re a selfish ass half the time. That’s right, if it doesn’t involve you, it’s just not important. We walk out of the store and he’s got “the look” on. “What’s wrong?” I ask. “Nothing.” I can already tell its going to be one of those nights. We plow on….
By the time we get home from our errands for the evening, its nearly 7:30 pm. The crockpot is cooking away beef stew for the evening because I knew we would be late home. I love the crock pot for this reason! LittleG had asked for pizza on the way home, which we stopped to pick up. But the house is a mess (as usual when EmCee works from home). I immediately start to straighten the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and straightening the countertops. (BTW, by this time I’m annoyed the house is so messy and I am starving).
EmCee, breaks open the pizza box at the stove top and starts eating. Now, the dogs need to be fed, LittleG needs his dinner, the kitchen needs to be windexed, dishes out of the sink into the dishwasher, dishwasher emptied, and so forth … I look at EmCee… is he kidding me? Everyone is hunrgy, why did he stop to eat?
“Really, EmCee? Really? I’m hungry too you know!”
*Dirty look* Not sure what I did to deserve the dirty look, all I wanted was a bit of help, you know put the pizza in a dish for our son, maybe feed the dogs while I windex the kitchen and put stuff away so we can sit down and eat dinner in peace and cleanliness. But no, he had to forget everything else and just stuff his mouth. Of course, I should have known, it’s all about him, isn’t it.
It’s ALWAYS about him.
After dinner, I say to LittleG who is watching TV. “After, Mommy has a cigarette we need to do homework.” (That was his 5 minute warning). I sit down next to EmCee. EmCee directs at LittleG, “Get me your schoolbag.”
LittleG responds, “But Mommy didn’t have her cigarette yet!”
Well now that just sends EmCee into a tongue lashing,
“Turn off the TV NOW!!! Come here and give me your backpack. I wanted to look over what you had for homework.” (LittleG hands him the backpack and sits on the bench, with his head in his hands on the table).
“WHAT??!? Now that’s how you behave? Go sit on the couch and wait for your mother.” (Are you serious EmCee? Really? Come on now, LittleG wasn’t back talking or giving you grief.)
We start our homework while EmCee now sits on the couch and puts on TV (This after I told EmCee repeatedly NOT to watch TV while we do homework because it distracts our little man. I’ve asked him numerous times to watch TV in the family room which is in the basement!) While watching TV, EmCee falls asleep on the couch. We finish our homework, read a story, study for our test and practice our guitar lessons. EmCee wakes up after all of this to have a “smoke” and watch TV.
After a bit of running around, I inform LittleG it was bedtime, off to the bedroom we go, LittleG taking a monkey eraser in his hand. We brush our teeth, go potty and get ready for bed. EmCee comes upstairs and grabs the eraser and mumbles something about it. LittleG immediately says, “But it’s mine, Daddy!”
“Are you raising your voice to me? Who are you raising your voice to? Now, you can’t have the eraser, it’s going in my pocket. And get yourself dressed for bed.” EmCee proceeds to throw LittleG’s pajamas at his face and turns to storm out.
“Don’t you treat him like that. He didn’t hear you.”
“Well, I’m tired of him always raising his voice and back talking to me.”
(The conversation continued, but I won’t continue to bore you.) LittleG was left standing there dejected while I tried to console him and get him dressed for bed. Mind you, I’m in trouble now for protecting my son and standing up for him.
“Mommy, why is Daddy always, you know….”
“Why is Daddy always what?”
“You know … (silence) … mean”
“I don’t know why Daddy is always mean. Not all Daddies are mean, LittleG. I’m sorry he upset you.”
We say goodnight and give hugs and kisses, I proceed downstairs…. EmCee is at the kitchen table, with his iPhone and earbuds in his ear.
“Are you coming downstairs to watch TV?” I ask.
“No, I’m going to sleep.” EmCee replies with a pissed off face on.
I walk downstairs to check my emails and facebook, its just better not to engage him in conversation.
20 minutes later, I hear “Goodnight” Like the dutiful wife, I go upstairs and kiss him goodnight and say a prayer of thanks that he’s going to bed. I don’t want to deal with him anymore. I’m so tired of this life.