Again & Again – It’s Never Enough

Oh you hear
Me crying behind your back again
And you hear
My heart beat slowin’ down again

And i feel
Despair kissing our lips again
And i feel
Despair holding our hearts again

– Again, HIM

Although I have been quiet on here lately, it doesn’t mean the issues have faded or disappeared.  On the contrary, they have just manifested over and over again.  It’s never enough.  No matter how much I give, no matter how much I try it’s never enough.

Nothing is ever enough for him.  We give and give, and he takes and takes.  He will continue to take until there is no more.  And even after I am depleted, he will want more.

Every New Year’s we take vacations separately.  I visit my friends in Europe, he visits his friends in Jamaica.  And yes, we just got back from a family vacation in October.  And another family vacation just before that in July.

At first, his plane was canceled due to the heavy snows we had here in the northeast, but was rescheduled for 2 days later.  My plane however, was not canceled, which caused him to spin into a frenzy that I was getting away before him.  As if I had the upper hand, the advantage in his game of tit for tat.  Not that he said anything to me directly, but I could hear the panic in his voice, see the insanity in his eyes as he called the airline on Christmas Day pleading to change his flight to that evening so he could escape before the snows.  How he sat for nearly 24 hours in front of the computer trying to figure out a way to escape before me.

Unfortunately, his prayers were left unanswered, and he was forced to take vacation 2 days later than anticipated. Oh my poor husband, his vacation was cut down to 6 days instead of 8.  (Mind you, my vacation was only 6 days to begin with).

While I was overseas, Little G was with him.  I was called nearly every day and tortured – getting scolded for going away on my annual vacation and leaving him “alone” to deal with our son.  (Oh the horror! Can you imagine?!?) He told me that his vacation was horrible because he had no time for himself.  And I couldn’t imagine what it was like to deal with our son for 24/7 (Hmm, actually I do, who do you think takes care of him the majority of the time anyway?).

I was reminded that if I was there, things would be so much easier, because EmCee would have time for himself.  Please, he was in Jamaica with one of the richest families there who have a nanny watch our son and their own children when EmCee visits.  I feel so sorry that he was in warm temperatures at a 5 star all inclusive resort with a nanny…. *scarcasm*

When I touched down in America a few days ago, my (childhood) best friend’s mom had died (I have known her since I’m 5) and I had to drive straight to the funeral home for the wake directly from the airport.  After the wake, I ate a late dinner with her and her husband before driving another 60 miles home (by myself) only to drop off my luggage and drive another 20 miles at midnight to the airport to pick up EmCee and Little G.  By the time I picked them up, it was over 24 hours since I had slept last because of the European – American time zone differences.  I was practically seeing the horizon close before my eyes, but I had to drive them home.

And I was immediately bombarded with complaints.

  • he had no time for himself
  • he hardly slept all week
  • Little G gave him a hard time
  • all his vacation was spent catering to Little G
  • While I was in Europe, he was in Jamaica
  • He needed to book another vacation ASAP for the family, because this wasn’t a vacation for him
  • He needed to book a week vacation for himself too, by himself, because he needed a rest
  • why did I have to go to the wake again tomorrow and the funeral on wednesday
  • and it goes on and on…

Now, I never told him to go to Jamaica in the first place.  I’ve often asked him to join me in my vacation to Europe but I get told that my friends are “stupid”, “childish”, “immature”, the places I visit are “too cold”, “uninteresting” and “boring”.  Because European culture and history is so boring compared to parking his fat ass on a beach all week.  Pardon me that I asked you to move your fat, lazy ass and WALK around cities visiting UNESCO historical and religious sites.  (Oh the horror!)

So as I am unpacking the suitcases, doing laundry and putting away the clothing … I got really aggravated and angry.  He has SO many clothes that I can’t even get his tee shirts into his drawers.  It is a shame that there are poor people in this world who have nothing and he just continues to buy and buy … we have too much stuff.  We take too many vacations.  We toss out too much wasted food.  Its all waste.  I started to cry (thankfully, I was alone) because he can not distinguish between wants and needs.  I cry for those less fortunate than us, who are suffering through the bitterness of winter while I am stuffed to the brims in excess.  It disturbs me to no end.  My lifestyle is destroying my karma.

It may be never enough for him, but I have had enough.  I have a goal, a date in my mind – to change my destiny.  Wish me luck.  More tomorrow.

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He Needed To Be Taught A Lesson

I’m not sure who acts like more of a child sometimes, my 42 year old husband or my 6 year old son.  Actually, I think my 6 year old is more mature sometimes than my husband.  Tonight, he did it again.  Not LittleG, EmCee of course!

And of course, EmCee’s behavior was justified because it was a result of our son’s actions and my (emotional, bitchy period) reactions.

I came home after a long day of work, and immediately headed to the kitchen to cook dinner.  Funny how I’m married to a husband who has a degree in Culinary Science and yet, never cooks a meal!

I told LittleG, “You’ve watched TV and played video games all day at Mommy’s store, now it’s time to sit down and do your homework.  THEN you can watch TV.”

(Put on repeat 3x times)

Finally, LittleG sat down at the kitchen table to do his homework (1 math worksheet & 1 grammar worksheet).  I assumed EmCee would help him, but again EmCee is too busy to be bothered as he sat there plastered to his computer, glancing over at LittleG’s papers.

“That S is sloppy.  It looks like an upside down 5.  You’ve had an S in your last name for 6 years now, and you’ve been writing it for 2 years.  Fix it.”

(Oh here we go again, I thought to myself as I prepped the potatoes and green beans).

“That S still doesn’t look right.  Fix it.  Is there something the matter with you?  Don’t you care about your homework?” (Insert condescending, demeaning voice rising to near yelling levels).

Now, EmCee goes off into a tirade.  Obviously, LittleG still didn’t fix what Daddy wanted.  (As if Daddy should talk with his chicken scratch handwriting. Give me a break, the kid is 6 and his handwriting is good for a 6 yr old!)

“If you don’t care, then I DON’T CARE!”

EmCee picks up Little G’s folder, homework notebook, grammar workbook and THROWS them across the room.  “Since you don’t care, I DON’T CARE!”

I unfortunately, can’t stand his bullshit anymore and immediately step up to him.  Someone needs to protect LittleG.  “Who’s the child here, him or you?  What kind of example are you showing him by throwing his books?  This is the second time in a month you’ve thrown something at him to prove your point and I’m not going to tolerate it.”

“Oh, see, now you’ve got your mother on your side.”  (As LittleG starts hysterical crying).

“Mommy will you please help me finish my homework?”  He asks quietly, not wanting to upset his father.  I tell him to sit down calmly and we will finish it.

Homework is finished, but I’m not finished with EmCee.  As soon as LittleG is out of the room, I immediately rip into him.

“You’re such a bad father sometimes.  What kind of example are you showing him? Don’t you remember when your mother threw pea soup at you – it scarred you for life.”

“Yea, but I needed it I was acting like an asshole.  LittleG was acting like an asshole just now, making a jerk out of me.  He needed to be taught a lesson.  I needed to make a point and sometimes you need to make a point!” (pause) “I hate you for calling me a bad father, I AM NOT A BAD FATHER!”

(Calling him this always hits a nerve, because his own dad abandoned him).

“Oh, what am I going to regret saying that? (Insert sarcasm here,  as I referred to one of our prior arguments when he told me I was going to regret it) Why because I’m a woman, I shouldn’t open my mouth?  Am I supposed to stand here and let you abuse my son?”

“It’s not abuse, he was making a jerk off out of me. I was making a point.”

(Yea, that you’re an asshole).

“You shouldn’t throw things.  You’re teaching him that it is OK to throw things when he is angry or when things aren’t going his way.  And you wonder why we are having behavioral problems with him in school.”

“Oh, you should talk.  Mother of the year.   How many times do you raise your voice and yell at him?”

“But I never throw things.  And I never hit him.  I’m not sarcastic or condescending to him.  We all yell at our kids sometimes EmCee, it happens.  But that doesn’t make me a bad parent.”

Of course, as soon as you point out his mistakes or flaws, he can “never take the hit” as he calls it.  He will never accept blame.  He always turns it around on everyone else and makes sure to point out their flaws.  His behavior is always justified.  His behavior is always perfect.  He’s allowed to because he’s “the man” of the house.  We should respect him.

I knew the conversation was only going to get worse.  So I decided not to add any more fuel to the fire.  I let it be and ended the argument like this:

“Well if  if my behavior is that flawed, I would welcome someone pointing out to me my mistakes so that I can correct them.  No one is perfect, not even me.  So next time you feel that I am being the bad parent, why don’t you tell me.”

And I’m sure he will. He will savor every moment letting me know how screwed up a parent I am.  Now, I just have to make sure I don’t give him the opportunity to do so.

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Money: The Root of All Evil

Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment. –Mark Twain

My husband and son are two peas in a pod.  When they want something, they are relentless, hounding until they get it.  I suppose my son is only a byproduct of my husband’s greed and lack of discipline in saying “no”.  Hubby says it is only because he grew up “poor” and “had nothing” and that he makes money and can buy what he wants.

But at what expense?

There is a point in life where you realize that there is a difference between wants and needs.  Neither my son nor my husband can seemingly distinguish from the two.  What triggered this tonight?  It wasn’t my husband this time (inadvertently it is) but it was my son’s temper tantrum over him wanting things way too much (This week I’ve been asked for pokemon cards, ps3 games, hot wheels, a bunk bed, smoothies, new sneakers and some more items which I am probably forgetting).  When I tell my son, “No” it isn’t because I can’t afford it, it’s because he already has too much – another thing will just be a waste of money as it’s tossed to the side a day later.

But I do blame my husband and it is one of the main reasons why I am bitter, resentful and unhappy in our marriage.  No matter what EmCee wants, no matter the expense, no matter how hard I will have to work to pay it off, he gets what he wants.  And he gets it RIGHT NOW.

Hubby spends money like water.  As if money grew on the trees outside our home – that we can pick off what we want, whenever we want it.  His habits are frivolous, outrageous and over the top.  After 7 years of marriage (and 9 years of living together) you would think we would have upgraded our 2 bedroom starter townhome into a growth home – you know where you raise a family!?!  But because of hubby’s spending, we can’t afford it.  (And we make enough to afford a very nice 4-5 bedroom home!)

Here’s some highlights of how he controls the money and how he bleeds me of every dime I have:

  • We’ve refinanced our home 3 times in the past 7 years to pay off his credit cards. Each time, they were over 20k.  He says he bought things for the family (well where are these “things” I want to know). If you look at his statements, they are mainly all food purchases.  (Oh right, we spent 60k in eating out?!?!).  Closer inspection, he’s paid for company lunches (and said they paid him in cash, he just put it on his card for the “miles”) he also regularly went out for $30 dollar lunches at his lunch hour.  As soon as the cards were paid off, he charged up a storm again until I screamed and told him to stop.
  • A fourth time (January 2009) I withdrew 20k in my own personal (private) savings from a injury settlement I won, to again pay off his credit card bill. He will say again it was for things for the family (I want to know where 80k in items are in my house).  And he will argue that I have a card too (which I don’t carry with me and I never use, I use my own credit cards and I pay off my own bills – with my own money from my own paychecks).
  • August 2009 his credit card was back up to 12k, which I withdrew money from our business to pay off again. Granted 4k was a family trip to Disney World.
  • January 2010 his credit card bill was back up to 18k (after only 4 months) – at that point I sat him down and told him that I was not going to withdraw more money from the business to pay off his debt.  I told him that he was spending more than he was making per month and it HAD to stop.  When he argued with me over it, I presented him with the statements and he appeared shocked it was all restaurant and food purchases, mainly. Since I refused to pay off his bills this year, the bill is slowly being paid off.  Its down to about 8k, but guess what?  I’ve taken our 10k from the business to pay it off.  He claims he is “owed” this money since he (on paper) is a partner of the business.  I say he’s just bleeding me dry.  He doesn’t work for the business (he’s got a full time job) and I am the sole operator of the daily, day to day activities. (Actually, the business would not exist without me).
  • Greed? The pièce de résistance is this: On my 31th birthday in 2008, he drove me to the mall.  I thought maybe he was going to buy me a birthday gift.  No, he wanted an iPhone.  There was nothing wrong with the phone he had, he just wanted a damn iPhone.  I hid under the escalator in the mall and cried to my best friend that I was going to do whatever it took to divorce him.  He was so inconsiderate that day, he didn’t realize I was crying, he didn’t care it was my birthday, he didn’t buy me a gift, he didn’t even buy me a card!! When we came home, he took out a 100 calorie carrot cake, stuck a used candle in it and said “Happy Birthday” – go fuck yourself, EmCee.  An iPhone is more important than acknowledging I exist?
  • His shopping habits are insane. We went to the Puma store and he bought 6 pairs of sneakers, in every color they had in his size.  Black and orange suede, black and green suede, red and white, solid white, white and green … he’s got about 20 pairs of sneakers in his closet.  Not to mention tons of dress shoes he never wears.  Jeans?  About 20 pair.  Work pants?  About 40.  Shirts – when he goes to Tommy Hilfiger he will buy every polo shirt in every color.  He takes up the dresser, a nightstand and the double closets in our room.  (Me? I share a closet with my son and storage).
  • For his 40th birthday in 2008, I bought him a brand new MacBook.  In January 2010, because Apple came out with a new model, he had to spend another $1500 to replace his. (His excuse, our son could use his old one).
  • When the iPad came out in March-April 2010, he had to be one of the first people to get one.  Because carrying an iPhone and owning a brand new MacBook wasn’t enough.
  • When the office moved in 2008 to our new location, he demanded we buy a Apple because it looks “trendy” when customers come in. Meanwhile, none of the employees (or myself) feel comfortable using a Mac. There goes another $2200 down the drain …
  • When my car lease was expiring, I wanted to look at a Ford Edge because it had the sync system and was affordable.  He told me to drive to Porsche because they were running “deals” and I would get a similar payment to that of a Ford. I couldn’t stay for the salesman to look up the inventory or the pricing (I had an appointment) but when I cam back, my credit had already been run and the car was being prepped for me.  All I had to do was “sign” the paperwork.  (He will blame me and say I wanted it, but to this day I maintain I didn’t.  Hey, I used to drive a Honda Civic for pete’s sake!)
  • When I point out to him the amount of money we’ve thrown away, he says its all my fault. I wanted to go on vacation.  I needed designer jeans (I have 4 pairs that were bought because he said I “looked hot” in them), I needed the Porsche, I needed ….
  • When I took a vacation to Europe with my girlfriends, he said he couldn’t “stay home” with our son.  So he booked a trip to the Caribbean. Not only did he book a trip, but he purchased first class plane tickets for both himself and our son and charged them (he said using points made no sense).  And purchased a 5 star, all inclusive resort.  He told me I didn’t need first class airfare, but he did, since he was flying with our son alone. Total cost of his trip? 8k plus the 1k he took for “spending money”.  Total cost of my trip:  just under 2k (again, I paid for my own trip – 1600 in airfare/hotel, 400 in spending money).

You see, it’s not that we don’t have money to afford a bigger house or to have more children.  It’s the fact that he likes to keep us where we are at so I can’t expand our family.  (Again, he doesn’t want more kids).

But what pissed me off last night was this:

I have lost my mojo.  I just don’t want to have sex anymore.  At least not with him (not that I want sex with anyone else either).  And when we do have sex, he’s so rough – it hurts.  So after I gave into his sexual whims last night … I grinned and bared it for 10 minutes but stopped him so he wouldn’t orgasm – he tells me:

“Well if you won’t have sex with me, there’s nothing I can do.  It’s not a problem, yet.  (pause) I guess I’ll just have to go out and buy more toys.  More expensive toys.  I think I hear a Corvette coming.”

Hmm… I think I hear something, but it’s not a Corvette.  The sound of divorce papers being signed.  After I come back from vacation, I will be visiting a lawyer.  I rather be poor and broke and happy – than have money with you and be miserable.  This is not a healthy marriage.  This is not a healthy life.  What the hell am I teaching my son when his own father sets such a poor example?  I have to run, run and run out of here.  As fast as I can.

And he will say the Corvette was only a “joke” but I know from his spending habits – its not a joke.  He could drive home any night with one if he wanted to financially screw me some more.

If he was a spiritual man, he might take heed of these warnings, but because he is an atheist (that’s another post) I doubt these will do much good.

“Hell has three gates: lust, anger, and greed” –  Bhagavad Gita

The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. – Jesus

And yes, his love of money is the root of all his evil.  And he fits the other two: lust and greed.  I have a plan.  Will you see me through to fruition?

 

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When Will It End?

I can’t take it anymore.  It happened again tonight.  When will it end?  I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being scared, I’m tired of living in this house with my monster.

LittleG was a bit antsy today.  Perhaps it was because it was Thanksgiving weekend and the thought of 4 days off in a row excited him a bit too much.  He drove me up a wall at work (thank god I own my own business) so much that I had to leave 2 hours early.  I came home and tried to finish my work at home, but it was a constant state of nagging.  “When are you going to play with me?  Why can’t I have a brother or sister?  If I had a brother or sister, I wouldn’t need you to play with me, Mommy.”

I know baby, I know.  But I can’t tell you that your father never wanted you, that you were an accident and that your father hates children.  I can’t tell you that all I have ever wanted in this world was a big, happy family, with a happy and loving father and husband.  Instead, I made the poor decision of choosing EmCee, a man who is selfish and only wants his free time to himself – children are an “inconvenience” because he can’t do what he wants to do.

So after I wrapped up work for the evening, I wanted to play with you, LittleG.  And I did, for a short time, I was trying to race cars with you while getting the kitchen cleaned up for Thanksgiving and in between laundry.

Then somehow, your father lost it (again).  He screamed for you to sit down on the couch and stay still.  He screamed at you when you didn’t listen.  He picked you up by the collar again, and that’s when I turned around to watch you push him.

Good for you LittleG! You stood up for yourself against him.  I am so proud of you that you did that!  One day, you will be bigger than your father and I hope you put him in his place.

But for now, your father didn’t like that.  And he took you by your collar once again, nearly chocking you – and threw you into the couch.

“Get your hands off of him!” I screamed, pulling at EmCee’s arms.

“Did you see that? He pushed me.  He taunted me that he wasn’t sitting on the couch.”

I stormed upstairs and took LittleG with me.  I wasn’t going to be in the same room as him.  I would put away the laundry.  Instead, though, it turned into a crying match between LittleG and I – let’s see who can cry more.

When I married EmCee in 2003 – I made the mistake of never asking his thoughts on major subjects – religion and children.  My mistake, I should have.  But because EmCee was so good around kids (he would always play with the neighbors kids, take them for ice cream, stuff like that) that I assumed EmCee liked kids.

Well, after we got married, I was informed that he wanted NO children.  Not even 1.  Not 2, and certainly not 3.  Kids were nothing but an inconvenience to him, they would take away from his free time.  They would turn into the dictators of the house, not giving him the time to do what he wants to do. (Mind you, he does nothing, has no outside interests and only watches porn, plays on the computer or watches TV, all day, everyday.) I was devastated. Destroyed.  But I thought maybe one day, I could change his mind.

6 months into the marriage, I was terrible at taking birth control pills.  Not on purpose, I would just forget and double up.  Then I would forget again, and double up again.  It always happened and I always made sure to tell EmCee that I goofed up.  But 6 months after exchanging vows, I was pregnant, by accident.  It was a happy accident for me, not for him.

6 months after I gave birth, it was the first time I thought about divorce.  I accidently left information on my computer up, and EmCee found it and lost his mind.  I figured I would be able to make it work – I had to make it work – for the sake of our son.  But it never has – 6 years later and I wish I would have divorced him then.

I’ve got baby fever tonight combined with anger over the way EmCee treats LittleG and me.  Why does EmCee refuse to divorce me when we both want different things?  Why does EmCee refuse to let me be happy?  Why is EmCee’s happiness prevail over my own?  Why is it, that if having children is what I want, and EmCee doesn’t – can’t we agree to go separate ways?   Oh I get it, and I know why … I make more money than EmCee and I own 51% of our business partnership (of which, EmCee doesn’t do anything for because he works full time at his own job) – but he would never let me own a business by myself because I’m a woman and my vendors would “walk all over” me.  I need him according to EmCee … but in reality, he is only with me because of my money – the money that he spends and spends.

I told LittleG tonight that we could leave and be happy.  There would be no more yelling, no more hitting, no more hurting.  He could see EmCee anytime he wanted, everyday if he wanted to.  He could have 2 houses, 2 toy rooms, 2 of everything!  I could have brothers and sisters for him… things would be so much happier.

LittleG cried and said NO! I’m staying with Daddy.  You can leave. I want to live in the same house as you and Daddy.  But I’ll stay with Daddy.

It broke my heart.  All I ever wanted was a child.  All I ever wanted was children.  And my only child, my only son, is rejecting me for a man who is abusive, controlling and has anger management issues.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  If I didn’t have LittleG I would run away and never come back.  But I fear for LittleG’s safety and his mental well being.

Hello, is anyone out there?  Is anyone listening?  I need help.  I feel so alone.  When will it end???

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What We’ve Got Here Is A Failure To Communicate

Call failed, yet again.  And no I’m not talking about the iPhone.  I’m talking about the communication breakdown that is apparent every evening in my home.  Tonight, LittleG got a pack of Pokemon cards.  He had a double card and asked EmCee to put it in his pocket, he could  have the “double” card.  EmCee mistakenly thought that LittleG was yet again, asking EmCee to play with him.  (Which, wouldn’t be a BAD thing to play with your own son.) Of course it escalated, and wound up with EmCee thinking that LittleG was disrespecting him.

Which ended with EmCee grabbing LittleG by the collar of his shirt and threatening him to stop asking him to play.

“Now, go to your room! Mommy, you deal with him.”

So yet again, I was left cleaning up a teary eyed little mess of a 6 year old boy, once again crushed by his own father.

This has to stop.  This isn’t fair to LittleG and it isn’t fair to me.  But the only one it is fair to is EmCee, because EmCee got what he wanted – LittleG to leave him alone.

I wound up spending the night cooking for LittleG (in addition to the family who was over for a visit, which I was embarrassed by EmCee’s behavior), doing LittleG’s homework, studying, reading, bathing, and guess what – playing Pokemon cards with.

LittleG is now in bed.  I come downstairs and inform EmCee that I have to go downstairs to do work on the business, because I haven’t done work all day.

In a condescending, “greater than thou” tone to his voice he asks, “Well, where were you ALL day?”

“Excuse me?  You were home all day and you knew exactly where I was all day, every step of the way.  I went to the gym, came home, ran to school ran back home, showered, returned merchandise to the store, went to our store and checked on our employees, picked up LittleG from school, ran to two different grocery stores to get the ingredients for dinner, came home, cooked dinner, entertained the family, took care of LittleG and your asking me where I was all day?”

Well, where were you ALL day?”

“Go fuck yourself.”  I proceeded to walk downstairs, I had no interest in re-explaining what I just did.  What HE already knew because I have to check in with him several times a day.

“Go fuck myself?” Pause. “Alright, you’re going to regret that you fucking cunt.”

I run upstairs, “Don’t you call me a cunt, you can try to bully your son, but you’re not going to bully me.  Regret it? Is that a threat?”

EmCee’s lip curls up in a snarl and his eyebrows furrow like they always do when he’s mad. “Yea, you heard me.  You’re going to regret that. You don’t tell me to go fuck myself.”

“I’m a 33 year old woman.  I don’t have to explain my every move to you.  And yes, I can tell you to go fuck yourself, because you KNEW exactly where I was today.”

The conversation escalated, with him speaking to me in an extremely condescending manner.   I told him that every couple of months this happens, he gets all pissy with LittleG and we have to have a talk about it.  Then EmCee cools down for a few weeks before it starts up again.

EmCee went into his typical tirade – “I’m a survivor.  I can face anything alone.  I don’t need you.  Remember, I had nothing, I can return to nothing.  And remember, you wouldn’t have anything without me.”

Yea, EmCee GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU ABUSIVE BASTARD.

Without me, you wouldn’t have your business. Without me, you wouldn’t have even been able to file the paperwork for the partnership.  Without me, you wouldn’t have opened an ebay store, sold thousands in collectibles (because I listed them all, sold them, packed them and shipped them out for you).  Without me, the ebay store wouldn’t have turned into a website (which I stayed up every night for years learning programming, coding, and SEO).  Without my first store, the second store wouldn’t have been launched.  Without me, there wouldn’t be a business.  Without me the website wouldn’t rank on page 1 of google for our search terms.  So go fuck yourself Mr. Know-It-All.

Without ME, you, EmCee, would be nothing.

Thank God, I taped the conversation tonight.  Now I just have to figure out how to get it off my phone and safely stored onto my computer.  I’ve had enough of your verbal, emotional and mental abuse EmCee.  This has got to stop.  NOW.

What we’ve got here is MORE than a failure to communicate.  What we’ve got here is a total breakdown of communication and our relationship.  This isn’t a relationship anymore.  This is a one way street, your street, and if we don’t follow you’re direction, we are punished.  Well, I’m tired of driving in your car.  I’m done.

I’m glad I started this blog. If anything, its a constant and continual reinforcement of WHY I want to leave you.  You know those days, the good days when I think things will be alright?  Well all I have to do is look back on this blog and see how often I post, and I’ll know, the bad days outweigh the good.  This isn’t worth it anymore.  My life, my happiness and my son’s happiness and mental stability are more important than hoping (and praying) you’ll change.  Because you won’t.  I used to worry for you, I didn’t want you to be alone if I left.  But hey, you said it, you’re a survivor.  I’m sure you’ll do fine on your own.

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You Big Bully – The Jekyll and Hyde Personality

Nothing can prepare you for living or working with a sociopathic serial bully. It is the most devastating, draining, misunderstood, and ultimately futile experience imaginable” – Tim Field
This quote today was especially important to me because once again EmCee and LittleG once again got into a battle during bathtime last night.  EmCee instructed LittleG not to go into the bathtub until the water was tested.  LittleG came into my bedroom while I was putting away laundry and I thought he was goofing around so I said to him, “You better go take a bath before Daddy gets mad.  We don’t want Daddy mad, do we?”  LittleG must have gotten confused by the varying instructions and ran into the bathroom and jumped into the bathtub.  EmCee sees this and screams at him on top of his lungs, “What are you a fucking idiot?” I immediately ran into the room and told EmCee, “Stop dropping the F bomb and stop calling him an idiot because he is not one.”  Bathtime proceeded as usual, with EmCee firmly disciplining LittleG about the dangers of scalding hot water and why jumping in to an untested tub was not safe.   Although I agree that LittleG shouldn’t jump into untested waters, I disagree with the method in which EmCee discussed it.  After bath time was over, something else happend (I’m not sure what transpired as I was still putting away laundry) but LittleG came running  back into the bedroom crying and EmCee shouting at him about “Fucking Shit” – that’s when I lost my mind and told EmCee to once again stop using the “F-Bomb” and cursing at a 6 year old.

I put LittleG to sleep last night and assured him, “You’re not stupid.  You’re not an idiot and you’re not retarded.  Daddy is having a bad night again, he doesn’t mean it.  But he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”  After hugs and kisses the night resumed.  EmCee informed me at about 11:30 pm that he “felt badly” for talking to LittleG like that and wanted LittleG to sleep with us in bed.  This after EmCee knows that I don’t sleep well with LittleG in bed, but I agreed because LittleG was very upset at his father’s behavior.

So today, I began looking up bullying. Because it feels like I’m living with a bully and a classic verbal / emotional abuser.

Within the quote above, the phrase “sociopathic serial bully” popped out to me – I had never heard of this term, even though I have a Masters in Criminal Justice and took extensive psychology and sociology courses.  So I looked it up and lo and behold, I found this page Behavior Of The Serial Bully and what do you know? EmCee fits almost every characteristic on that list!

Now, in the past I have asked EmCee to go for Anger Management counseling and he has refused.  EmCee has a “respect” issue as I call it – if he feels like he is being disrespected he gets extremely nasty towards me (or whoever “disrespects” him).  Ten years ago I would say to him, “What are you pissed off because I’m a woman?” I honestly thought he secretly had this hidden issue with women being smarter / more independent / etc .. than him.  Over the years, my “woman” comment turned into “What are you pissed off because you think you’re older and wiser than me?” (EmCee and I are ten years apart, he’s older).   But what I now realize is that EmCee is a serial bully with anger management and control freak issues.  Additionally, he’s selfish, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive.

In January of this year (2010) I tried (it was the 4th attempt in a year) to leave him.  He dragged out a screaming match with me for nearly 24 hours refusing to let me leave the house, refusing to get counseling and even at one point, drawing back his fist to punch me in the face.  He wore me down and tired me out until I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) leave.  I’ll never forget that day.  I begged him to go to counseling but he refused.  I called a counselor and made an appointment for myself and asked him to go with me.  He said no.  Right before I was going to leave, he decided he was going to go, but would only go if I drove him.  (Control again, he wouldn’t let me drive alone).  When we got to the counselor, he manipulated the counselor and made me look like the bad guy.  He told the counselor he was “afraid of being abandoned” and left on the side of the road, the carpet pulled out from under his feet.  The counselor said, it was because his Dad left him when he was a child.  But my issues, such as verbal abuse, sexual perversion (constant and continual use of pornography), control (i’m not allowed to go places such as the mall by myself, he has to be with me), and his lack of respect towards me in the bedroom – were not real issues that couldn’t be solved.

Upon our return home that afternoon, he badgered me in the car telling me he didn’t want to waist another year of his life in a marriage that he wasn’t wanted in.  I told him that I loved him but he needed to change.  I told him that we both needed counseling.  He said he didn’t need counseling, he was down that road before with his ex-wife and nothing changed (BTW, his abusive issues were all mentioned in the divorce papers from his ex – but he told me she was “crazy” and staged a fake “rape” to get out of the marriage). So here we were with him telling me I couldn’t leave, counseling was not an option and he didn’t want to stay in a marriage that was only going to end.

That evening, I still wanted to leave.  He was calm.  I walked the dogs and thought about how I was going to leave, where I was going to go, where to take LittleG.

I come back and EmCee tells me, “Go wake up LittleG.  You need to tell him that you’re leaving.”  So I wake up LittleG and sit him down next to me, I tell him, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy so we are going to live apart for a while and you’re going to stay with me.  You’ll see Daddy often.”

EmCee interrupted, “No, tell him why you’re really leaving.  Tell him you want to go, that YOUR breaking up the family because all you care about is YOUR happiness.”

LittleG falls into tears, hysterical crying.  Now EmCee has pulled out his final card – using our son against me to keep me to stay.  So I stay, reluctantly, because I can’t see my son being hurt or in pain.

Later on that night, EmCee tells me something I will never forget:

“You hurt people.  You’ve always hurt people.  This is what you do.  You go into relationships and then you leave people.”

I will never forget EmCee telling me that.  It cut my heart in two and made me question myself.  But that’s what manipulators do.  THEY HURT PEOPLE.

In every relationship, there is always a possibility that it won’t last forever (as much as we hope that it does).  But things change sometimes, people change.  But ultimately, no one enters a relationship just for the sake of hurting someone.  And in the end, I am heading for a divorce, because I can no longer live with my bully.

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I’m Not Listening … Do You Hear Yourself?

There he goes again.  I  just knew it would be one of those days.  LittleG had a bad day at school, so I suggested we go to the toy store for shopping.  After all, LittleG had a few gift cards left over for his birthday, so I figured “Why not?”  It’s certainly better than shoving food in his face and causing an emotional-eating disorder.  Well EmCee decided he was going to put his puss face on the entire time (you know because it wasn’t a store that he wanted to go to, or had things he wanted to buy).

LittleG was taking about an hour, and I was tired from walking up and down the same aisles.  I didn’t complain though.  “EmCee! Can you come here, I need help getting this down.”  EmCee looks at me and doesn’t budge.  So I call to him again, “I’m coming, babe.”  As he slowly saunters down the remote control car aisle.  “LittleG wants a clear car, can you see if there are any all the way in the back?”  He immediately shouts out, “It’s not clear, it’s all they have.”  Quite annoyed.  Give me a break, just check for the kid.  Would it kill you so much.

Oh yes, it would, because you’re a selfish ass half the time.  That’s right, if it doesn’t involve you, it’s just not important.  We walk out of the store and he’s got “the look” on.  “What’s wrong?” I ask.  “Nothing.”  I can already tell its going to be one of those nights.  We plow on….

By the time we get home from our errands for the evening, its nearly 7:30 pm.  The crockpot is cooking away beef stew for the evening because I knew we would be late home.  I love the crock pot for this reason!  LittleG had asked for pizza on the way home, which we stopped to pick up.  But the house is a mess (as usual when EmCee works from home).  I immediately start to straighten the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and straightening the countertops.  (BTW, by this time I’m annoyed the house is so messy and I am starving).

EmCee, breaks open the pizza box at the stove top and starts eating.  Now, the dogs need to be fed, LittleG needs his dinner, the kitchen needs to be windexed, dishes out of the sink into the dishwasher, dishwasher emptied, and so forth … I look at EmCee… is he kidding me?  Everyone is hunrgy, why did he stop to eat?

“Really, EmCee? Really?  I’m hungry too you know!”

*Dirty look* Not sure what I did to deserve the dirty look, all I wanted was a bit of help, you know put the pizza in a dish for our son, maybe feed the dogs while I windex the kitchen and put stuff away so we can sit down and eat dinner in peace and cleanliness.  But no, he had to forget everything else and just stuff his mouth.  Of course, I should have known, it’s all about him, isn’t it.

It’s ALWAYS about him.

After dinner, I say to LittleG who is watching TV.  “After, Mommy has a cigarette we need to do homework.” (That was his 5 minute warning).  I sit down next to EmCee.  EmCee directs at LittleG, “Get me your schoolbag.”

LittleG responds, “But Mommy didn’t have her cigarette yet!”

Well now that just sends EmCee into a tongue lashing,

“Who are you to backtalk to me?  I said get me your schoolbag.  Would it hurt you to listen to me for once without questioning everything I say?” (Now, EmCee is getting himself more and more enraged)

“Turn off the TV NOW!!!  Come here and give me your backpack.  I wanted to look over what you had for homework.” (LittleG hands him the backpack and sits on the bench, with  his head in his hands on the table).

“WHAT??!? Now that’s how you behave?  Go sit on the couch and wait for your mother.” (Are you serious EmCee?  Really? Come on now, LittleG wasn’t back talking or giving you grief.)

We start our homework while EmCee now sits on the couch and puts on TV (This after I told EmCee repeatedly NOT to watch TV while we do homework because it distracts our little man.  I’ve asked him numerous times to watch TV in the family room which is in the basement!) While watching TV, EmCee falls asleep on the couch.  We finish our homework, read a story, study for our test and practice our guitar lessons.  EmCee wakes up after all of this to have a “smoke” and watch TV.

After a bit of running around, I inform LittleG it was bedtime, off to the bedroom we go, LittleG taking a monkey eraser in his hand. We brush our teeth, go potty and get ready for bed.  EmCee comes upstairs and grabs the eraser and mumbles something about it.  LittleG immediately says, “But it’s mine, Daddy!”

“Are you raising your voice to me? Who are you raising your voice to?  Now, you can’t have the eraser, it’s going in my pocket.  And get yourself dressed for bed.”  EmCee proceeds to throw LittleG’s pajamas at his face and turns to storm out.

“Don’t you treat him like that.  He didn’t hear you.”

“Well, I’m tired of him always raising his voice and back talking to me.”

(The conversation continued, but I won’t continue to bore you.) LittleG was left standing there dejected while I tried to console him and get him dressed for bed.  Mind you, I’m in trouble now for protecting my son and standing up for him.

*Bedtime*

“Mommy, why is Daddy always, you know….”

“Why is Daddy always what?”

“You know … (silence) … mean”

“I don’t know why Daddy is always mean.  Not all Daddies are mean, LittleG. I’m sorry he upset you.”

We say goodnight and give hugs and kisses, I proceed downstairs…. EmCee is at the kitchen table, with his iPhone and earbuds in his ear.

“Are you coming downstairs to watch TV?” I ask.

“No, I’m going to sleep.” EmCee replies with a pissed off face on.

I walk downstairs to check my emails and facebook, its just better not to engage him in conversation.

20 minutes later, I hear “Goodnight” Like the dutiful wife, I go upstairs and kiss him goodnight and say a prayer of thanks that he’s going to bed.  I don’t want to deal with him anymore.  I’m so tired of this life.

 

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