Archive for category Verbal Abuse

Catching Up …. You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

I filed for divorce in June.  When he found out, he flipped out.  In June, there were days where he kept me up for over 48 hours at a time in spurts.  One moment he was praising how good he was and the next moment he was tearing me down and telling me mean things such as calling me a “social moron” or calling me “sexually dysfunctional”.

For the sake of the marriage, I enlisted a marriage counselor in July.  We agreed to 8 weeks of counseling and holding off on the divorce proceedings.  We started off counseling, and the counselor gave us homework to do.  I did my part, he failed to do his part.  In counseling she told us that I was looking for an emotional connection, I wanted to feel loved, adored, appreciated and respected.  She also told him that emotional and verbal abuse scars take longer to heal than physical abuse.  While he admitted to everything I said as true and accurate, he contended that I should accept him as who he is, flaws, verbal abuse and all.  He said, “she’s got a house, a business, a car, a kid – people are jealous of her. What more does she want?”  My therapist said that he equates material things to love, whereas I equate emotional connections to love.  We were on two different realities and we needed to come together.

Later on in therapy, he said that there are no issues in the marriage.  All the problems were my issues not his.  I had a problem with him, he didn’t have a problem with me, therefore he didn’t think he belonged in therapy.  He also said that he was this way all of his life, he didn’t change, I did – and he was not willing to change for me.  When it was explained that I was 23 when we met, and Im now 34, of course, I changed, I matured and grew – and that our relationship should mature and grow too – he countered and said it shouldn’t.  Life was all about “survival” – as long as we are “surviving” it was fine.  There was no need to grow and learn more about ourselves.  That’s not what life is about.

He further went on in therapy to say that I had issues, not him.  I was insecure and I had abandonment issues.  My therapist countered, an insecure woman with abandonment issues would not file for divorce.  He couldn’t answer that.

Another issue we had in therapy was that there was no equality and no negotiation in the marriage.  He said straight out, “If its not going my way, I will shut it down”.  We had no mutuality, no mutual goals we were working on.  He said he didn’t want any more kids because he is selfish and likes his life, but he loves our son.  To my heartbreak of course.

I went to therapy by myself one day and she told me that everytime he does something or says something I was to treat him like a child.  “Stop that.  I will not take you talking that way to me.” If he threw a temper tantrum (which he did several time over the course of therapy) I was told to treat him like I would treat a child in a temper tantrum.  I should walk away and ignore him.  I tried it several times, and if I said, “Stop! Don’t say things like that!” He walked out of the car in the middle of the street one time I did that.

Therapy didn’t work out.  You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. But really, you can’t have someone change who isn’t willing to change.  That’s the bottom line.

He wanted me to accept him, flaws and all.  All I asked was to be treated a little more respectfully, both in our marriage and in bed.  Negotiate with me so we are both mutually satisfied.

So we decided on a marriage settlement agreement (MSA).  He told me, that I was to waive my irrevocable right to alimony, otherwise he wouldn’t sign.  He doesn’t want to pay child support, because I can support both myself and our son.  When I told him the courts could decide for us since he was being (again, not getting his way so we can’t negotiate) – he basically told me if these things werent in the agreement, he wouldn’t sign it.

He refuses to get a lawyer.  He took 7500 out of our business account, put it into his account and then took it out in cash.  When I accused him of hiding assets, he opened a new bank account in his name only and put it in there, because he wants the MSA to say all individually owned bank accounts will not be divided.

When I brought up the issue of when he was going to sign the MSA, he called me childish for wanting a divorce.  He told me that it was selfish of me to destroy our family just for the sake of me being happy.  He told me that I really didnt know what I wanted, I was so indecisive that I was the one doing damage to our family, not him.  He told me our therapist was irrational (she called him out on his verbal abuse) and I should seek counseling from someone who was rational and would “knock some sense into me”.

Yes, I am a bit undecided.  I spent 10 years with a man, whom I have a son with.  I don’t want to break up a family, but raising a son in this environment isn’t healthy.  (He feels it is).  I read statistics that children who grow up in an intact but angry family have more self esteem issues than those who go through with a divorce.  He is once again making promises (which he has in the past and has broken) that we can have more children and buy a real house for the family.   I am afraid that this is all just smoke and mirrors to get me to rescind the divorce papers so he will have his way.  I dont want to start over, its pretty scary! But I dont want to live a life full of lies and regrets. I dont want to look back 10 years from now and say, “I should have moved out.”

He called me deceitful for hiring an attorney and filing for divorce behind his back.  He told me that wives dont do that to their husbands. He has left me confused about our marriage – one moment he is happy and says we can have a child – the next minute he says he is not having a child with me to “save” a failing marriage.  So I am left not knowing where I stand.  If I go back, he will use the excuse we have issues to avoid more children.  If I try and go, he will say he will have more kids.

I can not forget him calling me a social moron (which I am not, I have more friends than him), or that I am sexually dysfunctional (I cant orgasm with him, I wonder why, perhaps there is no emotional connection?) or when he picked up my son by the collar of his shirt and choked him, or when he tried ramming me into the couch chocking me because I wanted to tape him saying “he will make sure I am in a cardboard box with our son, homeless) or when he told me to tell our son “tell him he will never see Daddy again” or how he woke our son up in the middle of the night and forced me to tell him “Mommy is leaving and breaking up the family” – I cant forget these are his manipulative ways when he doesn’t get his own way.  When he first found out I had an attorney, he left our son alone (he is 6) in the living room for 3 hours after he woke up without breakfast or lunch – because he was on the phone trying to call attorneys.  I had come home from work to check on our son and was raging mad that he was starving while my husband was too busy in the bathroom on the phone trying to make arrangements.

Right now, we are not speaking to each other.  I sit on my computer after dinner for hours playing games trying to ignore our issues, while he sits upstairs on his computer doing whatever he does.  We live a life of avoidance and not speaking.  He said the other day to our son that our marriage was once again “normal” – I guess not speaking to each other is what he considers a “normal happy marriage”.

Today I found his email open, he has subscribed to three dating sites, I was mad.  So I signed up with a fake email address and filled out the profile just to see what he has been up to.  He logs into these accounts daily it seems and he is looking for “dating but nothing serious”.  He also says he is looking for a “smart-ass” to have some fun with and it would be a bonus if you were a “smart-ass and a yoga instructor” so he can see you pull some moves.  This is not normal!  I know men look at porn, but it is completely disrespectful to have online profiles looking for dating!!! So much for him trying to save a marriage!

I have the final draft of the MSA sitting in my email, along with a copy of my CIS for him.  I am to email him and say I need the name of your attorney or the name of the attorney you will be consulting with to enter into these documents.  If you are not obtaining one, you need to contact my lawyer to schedule an appointment for the court stenographer to record a meeting between you and my lawyer so that he has advised you of your rights and you are entering into this MSA without duress and understand its contents.  I also need to ask him to look over the CIS and sign a form stating it is true to his knowledge or have him fill out his own CIS.  – I am dreading this moment because I know another argument will ensue over it.  When do I do it?  During the school week so my son’s studies will be affected?  During the weekend so I will be berated, belittled and screamed at for 48 hours straight while my son is home with us?

My lawyer says once the MSA goes over to him and we know who his lawyer is, or if he is going to come into his office, then we can get moving.  If he doesn’t respond, then he will write up a letter to him stating I am moving out with my son.  Let him get a lawyer and go to court to fight over it.  My lawyer says a judge will see the divorce was applied for in June, marital counseling in July and August, served in August, failed to respond to the service by the September deadline and failed to sign the MSA that we had agreed on … and will laugh in his face that now he is seeking me to come back home with our son.

Wish me luck, pray for me.  I need all the strength I can get.  I’m not sure when to send him the MSA.  My birthday is next week, I’m thinking it would be a good birthday gift to myself.

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Screaming Inside, Does Anyone Hear?

I feel like screaming right now.  How can a good evening turn sour so quickly?  Tonight, after dinner, I sat on the couch cuddling with LittleG as EmCee sat in the kitchen entertaining his long time friend, Dee.  (All names have been changed to protect identities).  It was just past bedtime for LittleG and of course, the rowdiness kicks in – climbing on me, pulling my hair, tickling me – all in the name of fun – you know the last dance before the evening ends.  So EmCee begins to walk past the TV as in saying (time for bed), and LittleG goofing around says, “I can push you.” and so he does… and EmCee says “Oh yea, well I can walk right through you.”

And so he does, only he accidentally knocks LittleG into the wooden and glass coffee table and LittleG’s head hits it so hard, I flew off the couch to carry him to the kitchen for an ice pack – immediately.

But no sooner than I can get my hands on ice, LittleG is screaming, “You don’t care about me.  No one cares about me.  My family doesn’t care about me, my friends don’t care about me.”

He goes running upstairs, but before he goes completely up, he pokes his head over the banister, “When I get older, I’m gonna blame you, like you blame me for everything.”

Words of a child.  Not my words, even though later on, EmCee firmly stated to me that the only way a child would say that is if he heard it from me.  No, my dear, EmCee, don’t be fooled by a child’s ability to perceive.  He’s not dumb, nor is he stupid.  He is quite smart and very well aware that you, EmCee, blame everything on everyone, but yourself.

It’s time to look in a mirror, EmCee.

After I comfort LittleG upstairs and finally get him to bed, I am fuming.  Sure it was an accident, but EmCee’s behavior last night combined with tonight, was just a bit too much for me to take.  So I broke.

But here’s a quick run down of last night (2/3/11) that kind of prompted tonight’s battle:

Last night, I called EmCee from the car and said, “I’m making meatloaf, mashed potatoes and carrots for dinner, is that alright?”

EmCee: “Why don’t you make meatballs and spaghetti?”  (His favorite thing, but he would eat a whole box of spaghetti himself if i let him).

LittleG: But I want meatloaf!

EmCee: But you don’t eat meatloaf.

LittleG: But Mommy says it tastes like meatballs.

Me, to EmCee:  It’s easier if I make meatloaf, its quicker.  It’s late already and I have to pick up your mom.  If I have to run to the store to get basil and sauce, its going to be very late by the time dinner is ready.  Besides, I thought you liked meatloaf?

EmCee: “Fine, but make meatballs tomorrow when Dee comes over.”

(Sounds good so far right??”

At the dinner table:

EmCee sees LittleG picking at his meatloaf, “What’s the matter LittleG?”

LittleG: “Nothing” (quietly)

a few moments later, LittleG: “Mommy, this meatloaf tastes sour.”

Me: “Ok let me taste it.”  (I taste it) “Its not sour, LittleG, that’s the way it tastes.”

LittleG: Well, I don’t like it.

EmCee: “You ruined my dinner.  You RUINED dinner for everyone.  It’s all because of YOU that Mommy made meatloaf. I wanted spaghetti.” (In his condescending, I am God tone).

How childish, EmCee is.  I made EmCee apologize for his comment almost immediately, I refuse to sit there and watch my son be treated like that.  I told him that just because LittleG is 6, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings.  EmCee reluctantly apologized.  It wasn’t until nearly midnight that EmCee told me that he realized he was wrong.  But I don’t think EmCee actually understands the degree his words can scar LittleG.

Tonight, after bed.

I explained to EmCee that his words scar LittleG and I can’t take it anymore.  I tell him that for 2 years we have been going on like this and its not improving.  That I’m not happy.  That we are two different people.  That he would be happier with someone else to fuck.  That I am not the same person anymore, I have changed.  That I can’t take that every night there is an argument or a disagreement in the house.  That I have to walk on eggshells to know if he’s in a good or bad mood.  That I have to tell LittleG “Don’t do that, you may get Daddy angry.” That his temper can change on a drop of a dime, and we have to be little soldiers or he gets upset.

I told him “I will not tolerate your abuse anymore!”

“Well if you only played by the rules, I wouldn’t get upset.”

“Exactly, but who defines those rules?  You do.  You make the rules and we all have to abide by them.  If I want to go to yoga, you talk me out of it, if I want to go to the mall, I can’t go alone.  If I want to go out with my friends, you tell them just to stay here. Who makes these rules, I don’t”

“Well you don’t listen to me anyway… (goes off on a tirade of how he gives me all these “freedoms”, how he is a good father and always takes care of Gabe when I’m not around, etc…)

“EmCee I’m pointing out issues we are having.  Instead of acknowledging them and trying to resolve them, once again, you are pointing out things LittleG and I do.  You’re circumventing the real issues here.  Why don’t you just take responsibility for once?”

“I don’t have any issues, but you do.  Go sow your wild oats, go have your freedom and find yourself.  If that’s what you want, just do it.  Leave.  As a matter of fact I’ll help you pack up.  But be careful what you wish for.”

“Be careful what I wish for?  That sounds like a threat.”

“No, that’s not a threat, just be careful what you wish for.  But you’re going to regret it.  You’re going to regret leaving me.  This is a big mistake.”

(At this point, he takes his computer, and says goodnight and begins to walk upstairs)

“Are you just going to leave and not finish this discussion?”

“There’s nothing to discuss, I am done.  You’re going to regret it.”

“But you won’t even acknowledge the issues or talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.

(I follow him upstairs and he takes LittleG to the potty.  I get LittleG into his pajamas and EmCee proceeds to put headphones on and go to sleep.  The conversation is done.)

What I realized tonight, is that all I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge his mistakes.  But tonight, I realized he never will.  He will never accept responsibility for his actions or words.  And if that’s the case, there is nothing else I can do, except move on.

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You’re Ruining My Life

I confessed to the girls at work the other day, why I am in such a miserable and often bitchy mood so often.  Hearing the words come out of my mouth, I thought to myself, what I am saying sounds awful.  It sounds abusive.  It just sounds so wrong.  It brought one of my co-workers to tears, she couldn’t believe I was going through so much crap at home (I tend to hide things pretty well).  But I got the support I needed, I heard the things I needed to hear.

“If you don’t get away now, LittleG is going to blame you for the rest of his life for not protecting him.”

“If you don’t get away, LittleG is going to turn into his father.”

“If you don’t get away, you are ruining your chance of ever being happy.”

“If you don’t get away, things are going to get worse.  They never get better, e.  They never do.”

I know they are right, but in the end, I still make excuses in my head.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.  I’ve tried twice to schedule this appointment but due to the crappy weather we are having in the Northeast, I had to cancel and reschedule twice.  (Actually, the first time he decided to stay home from work and I couldn’t just disappear for 3 hours – no way for me to justify my actions to him).  And then I realized, no matter what I do, I have to check in with him.  No matter where I go, he needs to know.  Sounds a bit control-freak, no?  But in honest and open relationships, wouldn’t you call your partner and tell them, “Hey, I’m going to yoga after work.”  I mean you wouldn’t just disappear, would you?  No, common sense says that you would call so as not to worry.

But here’s the catch.  ‘Hey, I’m going to go to yoga after work.” His response, “Do you really have to go?  Why don’t you take the night off, you’ve worked all day.”  (Yea, and that’s why I need yoga.  Oh, and it would keep me out of the house for another hour or two away from you.)

So I was thinking, what exactly do I tell this lawyer.  Of course I should explain why I want a divorce,  but I don’t want it to get messy.  I am the type of person that always says, “Why can’t we all just get along?”  But I know, I have to fight fire with fire and I have to bring out the big guns to get away from him.  But I don’t in my heart, want to air out all of our dirty laundry and I don’t want to claim the mental/physical/emotional abuse and sexual demands.  I just don’t want to.  But in the end, I know that unless he agrees to a clean and divided asset break, this is going to get ugly and it will go to the court system.

And I know I need this conference tomorrow so I know how to proceed in the future.  The future being less than 6 months away.  It’s kind of scary, thinking about it.  I have never lived on my own, I have always lived with someone (be it my family, then my roommate, then EmCee.) Will I be able to financially afford it?  Yes, if I can keep our business.  If not, I will be broke.  But I will survive.  I have to survive.  I have LittleG to protect.  I can’t have him ever tell me, “Mom, You’re Ruining My Life!” Because I want him to be happy, healthy and feel loved.

Updates on EmCee’s outrageous behaviors:

  • EmCee has been up to his old tricks since my last post.  He’s indulged himself in 250.00 ice skates (because we were going skating and he refuses to rent skates).  I walked out of the store just when it was time to purchase, saying I wanted a cigarette.  It was my way of playing his game so I didn’t have to pay.  Screw him, let him foot the bill.  Only problem is he didn’t pay any bill, he used the company credit card to pay for his skates.  And when we got to the ice rink, he took one run around it and complained his back hurt.  Oh boo, hoo.  Maybe if you didn’t weight 300 pounds it wouldn’t hurt.  Poor LittleG didn’t even get a chance to learn to skate because we were rushed home so quickly. And I’m sure we will never see those $250 dollar skates ever again.  That’s some expensive “rental”.
  • Last night, the water pipe to the fridge decided it was going not to work.  EmCee decided he was going to investigate it and open it, and didn’t even move any of my papers out from underneath. (One of my home office desks sits under it).  My books and study material got soaked and LittleG’s art supplies did as well.  I barked, “Would it have hurt you to have moved my desk over 12 inches?  Or you could have asked me to do it.”  (The desk is only about 10 pounds, really lightweight, there’s nothing on it but a few notebooks and papers).  Just shows you how inconsiderate he is.
  • Not to mention how many arguments he’s gotten into with LittleG.  I keep reminding him to stop dropping the F-bomb when he speaks to our son.  Our son is 6, not an adult and deserves to be treated like a 6 year old and with respect.
  • To piggy back on the LittleG arguments, LittleG got his report card on Friday.  All A’s and A+’s! I was so very proud of him!  But in the comments section I see, “LittleG is a very bright young man.  However his behavior in class is often disruptive to other students and at times is disrespectful.”  Gee, I wonder why, let’s see …maybe its because he has learned first hand from his father that it’s ok to be a disrespectful, demanding person.  So now I have a conference with the teacher this week.  I’m debating on whether or not to let her in on what is going to happen by the summer time.
  • Last night our 19 year old employee posts to her FB a picture of a doughnut and hot cocoa from Dunkin’.  In the background there were the words (DD’s advertising for their chocolate lover’s month) “Reverse Boston Kreme”  – I made the comment, oh I love what it says in the background … it’s priceless! lol  Well EmCee saw that I posted on her picture and decided to make a comment of his own.  “Reverse Boston Kreme, I have stories about that, I know firsthand about Reverse Boston Kreme.”  The thing is, its one thing when you are in the office and joking with the girls.  Yes, its no surprise, we girls giggle about sex and guys.  It’s a completely other thing when your 42 yr old male boss makes a sexual innuendo on your personal FB page.  I told EmCee his comment was not appropriate, and told him to delete it before it was posted.  He deletes it and writes something to the effect of, “I had a really great comment on Reverse Boston Kreme, but I was scolded by my wife and was made to remove it.”  Real childish.  The girl writes back, “Do I really want to know?”  EmCee posts back, “No”.  Because honestly she didn’t, that would have been creepy.  But he is creepy, in the perverted sense, you know?
  • A few nights ago, he told me to “Go Fuck Myself” and in case you don’t remember the post back in November when I told him the exact same thing, his response to me was “You’re going to regret it you fucking cunt.”  Well when he said it to me, I turned around and told him the same thing, “You better watch your mouth or your going to regret it.”
  • Feisty I am.  I’m learning not to take his shit anymore.  Tonight, he looks at me and says over dinner, “You know you haven’t been too nice to me lately.” No that’s right I haven’t I’m tired of your shit, because you EmCee, you’re ruining my life!!! And I’m not going to take it anymore!

So, I have had it with him.  I’m learning to stand up for myself.  I will not tolerate living with someone like him.  I caught myself the other night, I actually sat on the opposite end of the couch – all the way away from him! I usually sit next to him.  I also haven’t been calling him as much during the day and I’ve been spending a lot more time in our office location, just so I don’t have to see him.  LittleG too, also asks to come to the office with me afterschool even when his Dad is home working, because he doesn’t want to hear EmCee’s mouth.

A change is coming, but not soon enough!

 

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He Needed To Be Taught A Lesson

I’m not sure who acts like more of a child sometimes, my 42 year old husband or my 6 year old son.  Actually, I think my 6 year old is more mature sometimes than my husband.  Tonight, he did it again.  Not LittleG, EmCee of course!

And of course, EmCee’s behavior was justified because it was a result of our son’s actions and my (emotional, bitchy period) reactions.

I came home after a long day of work, and immediately headed to the kitchen to cook dinner.  Funny how I’m married to a husband who has a degree in Culinary Science and yet, never cooks a meal!

I told LittleG, “You’ve watched TV and played video games all day at Mommy’s store, now it’s time to sit down and do your homework.  THEN you can watch TV.”

(Put on repeat 3x times)

Finally, LittleG sat down at the kitchen table to do his homework (1 math worksheet & 1 grammar worksheet).  I assumed EmCee would help him, but again EmCee is too busy to be bothered as he sat there plastered to his computer, glancing over at LittleG’s papers.

“That S is sloppy.  It looks like an upside down 5.  You’ve had an S in your last name for 6 years now, and you’ve been writing it for 2 years.  Fix it.”

(Oh here we go again, I thought to myself as I prepped the potatoes and green beans).

“That S still doesn’t look right.  Fix it.  Is there something the matter with you?  Don’t you care about your homework?” (Insert condescending, demeaning voice rising to near yelling levels).

Now, EmCee goes off into a tirade.  Obviously, LittleG still didn’t fix what Daddy wanted.  (As if Daddy should talk with his chicken scratch handwriting. Give me a break, the kid is 6 and his handwriting is good for a 6 yr old!)

“If you don’t care, then I DON’T CARE!”

EmCee picks up Little G’s folder, homework notebook, grammar workbook and THROWS them across the room.  “Since you don’t care, I DON’T CARE!”

I unfortunately, can’t stand his bullshit anymore and immediately step up to him.  Someone needs to protect LittleG.  “Who’s the child here, him or you?  What kind of example are you showing him by throwing his books?  This is the second time in a month you’ve thrown something at him to prove your point and I’m not going to tolerate it.”

“Oh, see, now you’ve got your mother on your side.”  (As LittleG starts hysterical crying).

“Mommy will you please help me finish my homework?”  He asks quietly, not wanting to upset his father.  I tell him to sit down calmly and we will finish it.

Homework is finished, but I’m not finished with EmCee.  As soon as LittleG is out of the room, I immediately rip into him.

“You’re such a bad father sometimes.  What kind of example are you showing him? Don’t you remember when your mother threw pea soup at you – it scarred you for life.”

“Yea, but I needed it I was acting like an asshole.  LittleG was acting like an asshole just now, making a jerk out of me.  He needed to be taught a lesson.  I needed to make a point and sometimes you need to make a point!” (pause) “I hate you for calling me a bad father, I AM NOT A BAD FATHER!”

(Calling him this always hits a nerve, because his own dad abandoned him).

“Oh, what am I going to regret saying that? (Insert sarcasm here,  as I referred to one of our prior arguments when he told me I was going to regret it) Why because I’m a woman, I shouldn’t open my mouth?  Am I supposed to stand here and let you abuse my son?”

“It’s not abuse, he was making a jerk off out of me. I was making a point.”

(Yea, that you’re an asshole).

“You shouldn’t throw things.  You’re teaching him that it is OK to throw things when he is angry or when things aren’t going his way.  And you wonder why we are having behavioral problems with him in school.”

“Oh, you should talk.  Mother of the year.   How many times do you raise your voice and yell at him?”

“But I never throw things.  And I never hit him.  I’m not sarcastic or condescending to him.  We all yell at our kids sometimes EmCee, it happens.  But that doesn’t make me a bad parent.”

Of course, as soon as you point out his mistakes or flaws, he can “never take the hit” as he calls it.  He will never accept blame.  He always turns it around on everyone else and makes sure to point out their flaws.  His behavior is always justified.  His behavior is always perfect.  He’s allowed to because he’s “the man” of the house.  We should respect him.

I knew the conversation was only going to get worse.  So I decided not to add any more fuel to the fire.  I let it be and ended the argument like this:

“Well if  if my behavior is that flawed, I would welcome someone pointing out to me my mistakes so that I can correct them.  No one is perfect, not even me.  So next time you feel that I am being the bad parent, why don’t you tell me.”

And I’m sure he will. He will savor every moment letting me know how screwed up a parent I am.  Now, I just have to make sure I don’t give him the opportunity to do so.

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What We’ve Got Here Is A Failure To Communicate

Call failed, yet again.  And no I’m not talking about the iPhone.  I’m talking about the communication breakdown that is apparent every evening in my home.  Tonight, LittleG got a pack of Pokemon cards.  He had a double card and asked EmCee to put it in his pocket, he could  have the “double” card.  EmCee mistakenly thought that LittleG was yet again, asking EmCee to play with him.  (Which, wouldn’t be a BAD thing to play with your own son.) Of course it escalated, and wound up with EmCee thinking that LittleG was disrespecting him.

Which ended with EmCee grabbing LittleG by the collar of his shirt and threatening him to stop asking him to play.

“Now, go to your room! Mommy, you deal with him.”

So yet again, I was left cleaning up a teary eyed little mess of a 6 year old boy, once again crushed by his own father.

This has to stop.  This isn’t fair to LittleG and it isn’t fair to me.  But the only one it is fair to is EmCee, because EmCee got what he wanted – LittleG to leave him alone.

I wound up spending the night cooking for LittleG (in addition to the family who was over for a visit, which I was embarrassed by EmCee’s behavior), doing LittleG’s homework, studying, reading, bathing, and guess what – playing Pokemon cards with.

LittleG is now in bed.  I come downstairs and inform EmCee that I have to go downstairs to do work on the business, because I haven’t done work all day.

In a condescending, “greater than thou” tone to his voice he asks, “Well, where were you ALL day?”

“Excuse me?  You were home all day and you knew exactly where I was all day, every step of the way.  I went to the gym, came home, ran to school ran back home, showered, returned merchandise to the store, went to our store and checked on our employees, picked up LittleG from school, ran to two different grocery stores to get the ingredients for dinner, came home, cooked dinner, entertained the family, took care of LittleG and your asking me where I was all day?”

Well, where were you ALL day?”

“Go fuck yourself.”  I proceeded to walk downstairs, I had no interest in re-explaining what I just did.  What HE already knew because I have to check in with him several times a day.

“Go fuck myself?” Pause. “Alright, you’re going to regret that you fucking cunt.”

I run upstairs, “Don’t you call me a cunt, you can try to bully your son, but you’re not going to bully me.  Regret it? Is that a threat?”

EmCee’s lip curls up in a snarl and his eyebrows furrow like they always do when he’s mad. “Yea, you heard me.  You’re going to regret that. You don’t tell me to go fuck myself.”

“I’m a 33 year old woman.  I don’t have to explain my every move to you.  And yes, I can tell you to go fuck yourself, because you KNEW exactly where I was today.”

The conversation escalated, with him speaking to me in an extremely condescending manner.   I told him that every couple of months this happens, he gets all pissy with LittleG and we have to have a talk about it.  Then EmCee cools down for a few weeks before it starts up again.

EmCee went into his typical tirade – “I’m a survivor.  I can face anything alone.  I don’t need you.  Remember, I had nothing, I can return to nothing.  And remember, you wouldn’t have anything without me.”

Yea, EmCee GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU ABUSIVE BASTARD.

Without me, you wouldn’t have your business. Without me, you wouldn’t have even been able to file the paperwork for the partnership.  Without me, you wouldn’t have opened an ebay store, sold thousands in collectibles (because I listed them all, sold them, packed them and shipped them out for you).  Without me, the ebay store wouldn’t have turned into a website (which I stayed up every night for years learning programming, coding, and SEO).  Without my first store, the second store wouldn’t have been launched.  Without me, there wouldn’t be a business.  Without me the website wouldn’t rank on page 1 of google for our search terms.  So go fuck yourself Mr. Know-It-All.

Without ME, you, EmCee, would be nothing.

Thank God, I taped the conversation tonight.  Now I just have to figure out how to get it off my phone and safely stored onto my computer.  I’ve had enough of your verbal, emotional and mental abuse EmCee.  This has got to stop.  NOW.

What we’ve got here is MORE than a failure to communicate.  What we’ve got here is a total breakdown of communication and our relationship.  This isn’t a relationship anymore.  This is a one way street, your street, and if we don’t follow you’re direction, we are punished.  Well, I’m tired of driving in your car.  I’m done.

I’m glad I started this blog. If anything, its a constant and continual reinforcement of WHY I want to leave you.  You know those days, the good days when I think things will be alright?  Well all I have to do is look back on this blog and see how often I post, and I’ll know, the bad days outweigh the good.  This isn’t worth it anymore.  My life, my happiness and my son’s happiness and mental stability are more important than hoping (and praying) you’ll change.  Because you won’t.  I used to worry for you, I didn’t want you to be alone if I left.  But hey, you said it, you’re a survivor.  I’m sure you’ll do fine on your own.

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You Big Bully – The Jekyll and Hyde Personality

Nothing can prepare you for living or working with a sociopathic serial bully. It is the most devastating, draining, misunderstood, and ultimately futile experience imaginable” – Tim Field
This quote today was especially important to me because once again EmCee and LittleG once again got into a battle during bathtime last night.  EmCee instructed LittleG not to go into the bathtub until the water was tested.  LittleG came into my bedroom while I was putting away laundry and I thought he was goofing around so I said to him, “You better go take a bath before Daddy gets mad.  We don’t want Daddy mad, do we?”  LittleG must have gotten confused by the varying instructions and ran into the bathroom and jumped into the bathtub.  EmCee sees this and screams at him on top of his lungs, “What are you a fucking idiot?” I immediately ran into the room and told EmCee, “Stop dropping the F bomb and stop calling him an idiot because he is not one.”  Bathtime proceeded as usual, with EmCee firmly disciplining LittleG about the dangers of scalding hot water and why jumping in to an untested tub was not safe.   Although I agree that LittleG shouldn’t jump into untested waters, I disagree with the method in which EmCee discussed it.  After bath time was over, something else happend (I’m not sure what transpired as I was still putting away laundry) but LittleG came running  back into the bedroom crying and EmCee shouting at him about “Fucking Shit” – that’s when I lost my mind and told EmCee to once again stop using the “F-Bomb” and cursing at a 6 year old.

I put LittleG to sleep last night and assured him, “You’re not stupid.  You’re not an idiot and you’re not retarded.  Daddy is having a bad night again, he doesn’t mean it.  But he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”  After hugs and kisses the night resumed.  EmCee informed me at about 11:30 pm that he “felt badly” for talking to LittleG like that and wanted LittleG to sleep with us in bed.  This after EmCee knows that I don’t sleep well with LittleG in bed, but I agreed because LittleG was very upset at his father’s behavior.

So today, I began looking up bullying. Because it feels like I’m living with a bully and a classic verbal / emotional abuser.

Within the quote above, the phrase “sociopathic serial bully” popped out to me – I had never heard of this term, even though I have a Masters in Criminal Justice and took extensive psychology and sociology courses.  So I looked it up and lo and behold, I found this page Behavior Of The Serial Bully and what do you know? EmCee fits almost every characteristic on that list!

Now, in the past I have asked EmCee to go for Anger Management counseling and he has refused.  EmCee has a “respect” issue as I call it – if he feels like he is being disrespected he gets extremely nasty towards me (or whoever “disrespects” him).  Ten years ago I would say to him, “What are you pissed off because I’m a woman?” I honestly thought he secretly had this hidden issue with women being smarter / more independent / etc .. than him.  Over the years, my “woman” comment turned into “What are you pissed off because you think you’re older and wiser than me?” (EmCee and I are ten years apart, he’s older).   But what I now realize is that EmCee is a serial bully with anger management and control freak issues.  Additionally, he’s selfish, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive.

In January of this year (2010) I tried (it was the 4th attempt in a year) to leave him.  He dragged out a screaming match with me for nearly 24 hours refusing to let me leave the house, refusing to get counseling and even at one point, drawing back his fist to punch me in the face.  He wore me down and tired me out until I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) leave.  I’ll never forget that day.  I begged him to go to counseling but he refused.  I called a counselor and made an appointment for myself and asked him to go with me.  He said no.  Right before I was going to leave, he decided he was going to go, but would only go if I drove him.  (Control again, he wouldn’t let me drive alone).  When we got to the counselor, he manipulated the counselor and made me look like the bad guy.  He told the counselor he was “afraid of being abandoned” and left on the side of the road, the carpet pulled out from under his feet.  The counselor said, it was because his Dad left him when he was a child.  But my issues, such as verbal abuse, sexual perversion (constant and continual use of pornography), control (i’m not allowed to go places such as the mall by myself, he has to be with me), and his lack of respect towards me in the bedroom – were not real issues that couldn’t be solved.

Upon our return home that afternoon, he badgered me in the car telling me he didn’t want to waist another year of his life in a marriage that he wasn’t wanted in.  I told him that I loved him but he needed to change.  I told him that we both needed counseling.  He said he didn’t need counseling, he was down that road before with his ex-wife and nothing changed (BTW, his abusive issues were all mentioned in the divorce papers from his ex – but he told me she was “crazy” and staged a fake “rape” to get out of the marriage). So here we were with him telling me I couldn’t leave, counseling was not an option and he didn’t want to stay in a marriage that was only going to end.

That evening, I still wanted to leave.  He was calm.  I walked the dogs and thought about how I was going to leave, where I was going to go, where to take LittleG.

I come back and EmCee tells me, “Go wake up LittleG.  You need to tell him that you’re leaving.”  So I wake up LittleG and sit him down next to me, I tell him, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy so we are going to live apart for a while and you’re going to stay with me.  You’ll see Daddy often.”

EmCee interrupted, “No, tell him why you’re really leaving.  Tell him you want to go, that YOUR breaking up the family because all you care about is YOUR happiness.”

LittleG falls into tears, hysterical crying.  Now EmCee has pulled out his final card – using our son against me to keep me to stay.  So I stay, reluctantly, because I can’t see my son being hurt or in pain.

Later on that night, EmCee tells me something I will never forget:

“You hurt people.  You’ve always hurt people.  This is what you do.  You go into relationships and then you leave people.”

I will never forget EmCee telling me that.  It cut my heart in two and made me question myself.  But that’s what manipulators do.  THEY HURT PEOPLE.

In every relationship, there is always a possibility that it won’t last forever (as much as we hope that it does).  But things change sometimes, people change.  But ultimately, no one enters a relationship just for the sake of hurting someone.  And in the end, I am heading for a divorce, because I can no longer live with my bully.

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I’m Not Listening … Do You Hear Yourself?

There he goes again.  I  just knew it would be one of those days.  LittleG had a bad day at school, so I suggested we go to the toy store for shopping.  After all, LittleG had a few gift cards left over for his birthday, so I figured “Why not?”  It’s certainly better than shoving food in his face and causing an emotional-eating disorder.  Well EmCee decided he was going to put his puss face on the entire time (you know because it wasn’t a store that he wanted to go to, or had things he wanted to buy).

LittleG was taking about an hour, and I was tired from walking up and down the same aisles.  I didn’t complain though.  “EmCee! Can you come here, I need help getting this down.”  EmCee looks at me and doesn’t budge.  So I call to him again, “I’m coming, babe.”  As he slowly saunters down the remote control car aisle.  “LittleG wants a clear car, can you see if there are any all the way in the back?”  He immediately shouts out, “It’s not clear, it’s all they have.”  Quite annoyed.  Give me a break, just check for the kid.  Would it kill you so much.

Oh yes, it would, because you’re a selfish ass half the time.  That’s right, if it doesn’t involve you, it’s just not important.  We walk out of the store and he’s got “the look” on.  “What’s wrong?” I ask.  “Nothing.”  I can already tell its going to be one of those nights.  We plow on….

By the time we get home from our errands for the evening, its nearly 7:30 pm.  The crockpot is cooking away beef stew for the evening because I knew we would be late home.  I love the crock pot for this reason!  LittleG had asked for pizza on the way home, which we stopped to pick up.  But the house is a mess (as usual when EmCee works from home).  I immediately start to straighten the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and straightening the countertops.  (BTW, by this time I’m annoyed the house is so messy and I am starving).

EmCee, breaks open the pizza box at the stove top and starts eating.  Now, the dogs need to be fed, LittleG needs his dinner, the kitchen needs to be windexed, dishes out of the sink into the dishwasher, dishwasher emptied, and so forth … I look at EmCee… is he kidding me?  Everyone is hunrgy, why did he stop to eat?

“Really, EmCee? Really?  I’m hungry too you know!”

*Dirty look* Not sure what I did to deserve the dirty look, all I wanted was a bit of help, you know put the pizza in a dish for our son, maybe feed the dogs while I windex the kitchen and put stuff away so we can sit down and eat dinner in peace and cleanliness.  But no, he had to forget everything else and just stuff his mouth.  Of course, I should have known, it’s all about him, isn’t it.

It’s ALWAYS about him.

After dinner, I say to LittleG who is watching TV.  “After, Mommy has a cigarette we need to do homework.” (That was his 5 minute warning).  I sit down next to EmCee.  EmCee directs at LittleG, “Get me your schoolbag.”

LittleG responds, “But Mommy didn’t have her cigarette yet!”

Well now that just sends EmCee into a tongue lashing,

“Who are you to backtalk to me?  I said get me your schoolbag.  Would it hurt you to listen to me for once without questioning everything I say?” (Now, EmCee is getting himself more and more enraged)

“Turn off the TV NOW!!!  Come here and give me your backpack.  I wanted to look over what you had for homework.” (LittleG hands him the backpack and sits on the bench, with  his head in his hands on the table).

“WHAT??!? Now that’s how you behave?  Go sit on the couch and wait for your mother.” (Are you serious EmCee?  Really? Come on now, LittleG wasn’t back talking or giving you grief.)

We start our homework while EmCee now sits on the couch and puts on TV (This after I told EmCee repeatedly NOT to watch TV while we do homework because it distracts our little man.  I’ve asked him numerous times to watch TV in the family room which is in the basement!) While watching TV, EmCee falls asleep on the couch.  We finish our homework, read a story, study for our test and practice our guitar lessons.  EmCee wakes up after all of this to have a “smoke” and watch TV.

After a bit of running around, I inform LittleG it was bedtime, off to the bedroom we go, LittleG taking a monkey eraser in his hand. We brush our teeth, go potty and get ready for bed.  EmCee comes upstairs and grabs the eraser and mumbles something about it.  LittleG immediately says, “But it’s mine, Daddy!”

“Are you raising your voice to me? Who are you raising your voice to?  Now, you can’t have the eraser, it’s going in my pocket.  And get yourself dressed for bed.”  EmCee proceeds to throw LittleG’s pajamas at his face and turns to storm out.

“Don’t you treat him like that.  He didn’t hear you.”

“Well, I’m tired of him always raising his voice and back talking to me.”

(The conversation continued, but I won’t continue to bore you.) LittleG was left standing there dejected while I tried to console him and get him dressed for bed.  Mind you, I’m in trouble now for protecting my son and standing up for him.

*Bedtime*

“Mommy, why is Daddy always, you know….”

“Why is Daddy always what?”

“You know … (silence) … mean”

“I don’t know why Daddy is always mean.  Not all Daddies are mean, LittleG. I’m sorry he upset you.”

We say goodnight and give hugs and kisses, I proceed downstairs…. EmCee is at the kitchen table, with his iPhone and earbuds in his ear.

“Are you coming downstairs to watch TV?” I ask.

“No, I’m going to sleep.” EmCee replies with a pissed off face on.

I walk downstairs to check my emails and facebook, its just better not to engage him in conversation.

20 minutes later, I hear “Goodnight” Like the dutiful wife, I go upstairs and kiss him goodnight and say a prayer of thanks that he’s going to bed.  I don’t want to deal with him anymore.  I’m so tired of this life.

 

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