Archive for category In The Beginning

You Big Bully – The Jekyll and Hyde Personality

Nothing can prepare you for living or working with a sociopathic serial bully. It is the most devastating, draining, misunderstood, and ultimately futile experience imaginable” – Tim Field
This quote today was especially important to me because once again EmCee and LittleG once again got into a battle during bathtime last night.  EmCee instructed LittleG not to go into the bathtub until the water was tested.  LittleG came into my bedroom while I was putting away laundry and I thought he was goofing around so I said to him, “You better go take a bath before Daddy gets mad.  We don’t want Daddy mad, do we?”  LittleG must have gotten confused by the varying instructions and ran into the bathroom and jumped into the bathtub.  EmCee sees this and screams at him on top of his lungs, “What are you a fucking idiot?” I immediately ran into the room and told EmCee, “Stop dropping the F bomb and stop calling him an idiot because he is not one.”  Bathtime proceeded as usual, with EmCee firmly disciplining LittleG about the dangers of scalding hot water and why jumping in to an untested tub was not safe.   Although I agree that LittleG shouldn’t jump into untested waters, I disagree with the method in which EmCee discussed it.  After bath time was over, something else happend (I’m not sure what transpired as I was still putting away laundry) but LittleG came running  back into the bedroom crying and EmCee shouting at him about “Fucking Shit” – that’s when I lost my mind and told EmCee to once again stop using the “F-Bomb” and cursing at a 6 year old.

I put LittleG to sleep last night and assured him, “You’re not stupid.  You’re not an idiot and you’re not retarded.  Daddy is having a bad night again, he doesn’t mean it.  But he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”  After hugs and kisses the night resumed.  EmCee informed me at about 11:30 pm that he “felt badly” for talking to LittleG like that and wanted LittleG to sleep with us in bed.  This after EmCee knows that I don’t sleep well with LittleG in bed, but I agreed because LittleG was very upset at his father’s behavior.

So today, I began looking up bullying. Because it feels like I’m living with a bully and a classic verbal / emotional abuser.

Within the quote above, the phrase “sociopathic serial bully” popped out to me – I had never heard of this term, even though I have a Masters in Criminal Justice and took extensive psychology and sociology courses.  So I looked it up and lo and behold, I found this page Behavior Of The Serial Bully and what do you know? EmCee fits almost every characteristic on that list!

Now, in the past I have asked EmCee to go for Anger Management counseling and he has refused.  EmCee has a “respect” issue as I call it – if he feels like he is being disrespected he gets extremely nasty towards me (or whoever “disrespects” him).  Ten years ago I would say to him, “What are you pissed off because I’m a woman?” I honestly thought he secretly had this hidden issue with women being smarter / more independent / etc .. than him.  Over the years, my “woman” comment turned into “What are you pissed off because you think you’re older and wiser than me?” (EmCee and I are ten years apart, he’s older).   But what I now realize is that EmCee is a serial bully with anger management and control freak issues.  Additionally, he’s selfish, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive.

In January of this year (2010) I tried (it was the 4th attempt in a year) to leave him.  He dragged out a screaming match with me for nearly 24 hours refusing to let me leave the house, refusing to get counseling and even at one point, drawing back his fist to punch me in the face.  He wore me down and tired me out until I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) leave.  I’ll never forget that day.  I begged him to go to counseling but he refused.  I called a counselor and made an appointment for myself and asked him to go with me.  He said no.  Right before I was going to leave, he decided he was going to go, but would only go if I drove him.  (Control again, he wouldn’t let me drive alone).  When we got to the counselor, he manipulated the counselor and made me look like the bad guy.  He told the counselor he was “afraid of being abandoned” and left on the side of the road, the carpet pulled out from under his feet.  The counselor said, it was because his Dad left him when he was a child.  But my issues, such as verbal abuse, sexual perversion (constant and continual use of pornography), control (i’m not allowed to go places such as the mall by myself, he has to be with me), and his lack of respect towards me in the bedroom – were not real issues that couldn’t be solved.

Upon our return home that afternoon, he badgered me in the car telling me he didn’t want to waist another year of his life in a marriage that he wasn’t wanted in.  I told him that I loved him but he needed to change.  I told him that we both needed counseling.  He said he didn’t need counseling, he was down that road before with his ex-wife and nothing changed (BTW, his abusive issues were all mentioned in the divorce papers from his ex – but he told me she was “crazy” and staged a fake “rape” to get out of the marriage). So here we were with him telling me I couldn’t leave, counseling was not an option and he didn’t want to stay in a marriage that was only going to end.

That evening, I still wanted to leave.  He was calm.  I walked the dogs and thought about how I was going to leave, where I was going to go, where to take LittleG.

I come back and EmCee tells me, “Go wake up LittleG.  You need to tell him that you’re leaving.”  So I wake up LittleG and sit him down next to me, I tell him, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy so we are going to live apart for a while and you’re going to stay with me.  You’ll see Daddy often.”

EmCee interrupted, “No, tell him why you’re really leaving.  Tell him you want to go, that YOUR breaking up the family because all you care about is YOUR happiness.”

LittleG falls into tears, hysterical crying.  Now EmCee has pulled out his final card – using our son against me to keep me to stay.  So I stay, reluctantly, because I can’t see my son being hurt or in pain.

Later on that night, EmCee tells me something I will never forget:

“You hurt people.  You’ve always hurt people.  This is what you do.  You go into relationships and then you leave people.”

I will never forget EmCee telling me that.  It cut my heart in two and made me question myself.  But that’s what manipulators do.  THEY HURT PEOPLE.

In every relationship, there is always a possibility that it won’t last forever (as much as we hope that it does).  But things change sometimes, people change.  But ultimately, no one enters a relationship just for the sake of hurting someone.  And in the end, I am heading for a divorce, because I can no longer live with my bully.

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Some Days Are Better Than Others

Some days are better than others, this I know is true.  And it is often that these days, are the days when things just look OK, that life is tolerable and that I can make it through.  But no matter how good those days are, I can’t see that I am truly happy in the situation I am in.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day about Emcee (that’s the name I will give my husband on here, because he always likes to be the center of attention and hold “court” as he calls it).  I told my mother straight out, “I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy and not be alone, but overall, I am not in love with him.”

I could list a million things he does that absolutely drive me insane, but the bottom line is, no one is going to get a divorce over not flushing the toilet, or constantly being on the cell phone, or falling asleep on the couch and snoring during my favorite show.  Those are the little things you come to live with and accept as part of your partner.

It’s the big things, the constant never changing attributes that slowly gnaw at the relationship, eventually slowing its growth and being in charge for it’s demise. Those are the things that will cause a divorce.

I’ll give you an example … my son, LittleG will push anyone’s buttons.  He’s not a bad kid at all, he’s a pleasure – naturally curious, always talking and asking questions.  Everyone loves him.  He’s a sweet 6 year old.  But he doesn’t pay attention.  And that drives EmCee insane.  It drives me insane too sometimes, but I don’t yell and lash out at him.  EmCee will.  EmCee will infact, say things to LittleG such as, “Are you retarded?  Is there something wrong with you?  I should take you to the doctor…”

I’ve disagreed on this with EmCee quite often, our child rearing ideas differ on this topic.  My mother has said to me in EmCee’s defense, “He never had a father in his life.  He doesn’t know how to be a dad.”  or “You don’t think he really means that do you? That’s just the way he is.”

Maybe, just maybe, I’m crazy for thinking that this seems like verbal abuse?  How you’re never supposed to use words like “retarded” towards a child?  When I have corrected him, he agreed reluctantly, because he is very “old school” in his train of thought.  It’s not to say it never happened again, because it has.  Over and over, maybe not always the same words, but the same meaning behind them.

What disgusts me even more is that my mother stood up and defended his behavior!  I know she was only trying to ration with me and calm me down, try to keep the marriage together, but I am adamant that those words are unacceptable towards a child!

It’s late and I’m tired, the sun always comes out tomorrow.  And its another day.  I just need someone to tell me, I’m not wrong!

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From the Inside Looking Out

For the past two years, I have been sleep walking past hope.  Two days ago I described the fog I was in as “Existing not living”.  Would I categorize myself as depressed?  Possibly.  But it is not that I don’t know the reason’s for my waves of sadness.  I do.  And I know exactly how I can fix them.  I chose not to fix them at the moment because I know it could be seen as selfish on my part for wanting to be happy.  You see if I do what needs to be done to feel happy again, I will be called selfish.  I will be told that “I am a bad person because I hurt people” (which 9 months ago was told to me as I tried to escape to happiness.)  My son will be waged against me, used only to hold me under his rein.  There are many reasons why I choose not to leave at the moment.

One of the main reasons is that I haven’t figured it out yet.  There is too much shrubbery blocking the path for me to see the other side.  I ponder circumstances,  weight outcomes.  There isn’t a stone I will leave unturned before I make my final decision.  I know what needs to be done, but I am scared to walk the path. And I am scared to walk the path alone.

Every night I think about my situation, I think about things.  Some days are happy and tolerable.  Nothing seems to be wrong.  Nothing seems to bother me.  I am on the top of the world.  It’s days like that, that I think we could be happy.  Maybe I am wrong.  But more days than not, I think that grass could indeed be greener on the other side.

I have no one I can confide in, not one friend I could trust.  My family lives far away from me, and my mother and I haven’t always had the closest of relationships.  And he says I don’t need therapy, I don’t need to speak to someone, that I am fine.  But I do need to speak to someone.  Thus, this blog is formed.  Totally anonymous, totally me.  Just as a way to sort through my ow thoughts and possibly see the light on the other side.  Perhaps someone will find this blog and be able to relate.  Perhaps I am not alone.

From the outside looking in, we have everything people dream of.  (And he reminds me of this often).  There is no disputing this, we seem like the happy picture perfect couple.  House, dogs, a super kid, cars, jobs, vacations…. everything but the white picket fence.  But when you’re on the inside looking out, everything is different.  The perfect picture isn’t so perfect, now is it?

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