When Will It End?

I can’t take it anymore.  It happened again tonight.  When will it end?  I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being scared, I’m tired of living in this house with my monster.

LittleG was a bit antsy today.  Perhaps it was because it was Thanksgiving weekend and the thought of 4 days off in a row excited him a bit too much.  He drove me up a wall at work (thank god I own my own business) so much that I had to leave 2 hours early.  I came home and tried to finish my work at home, but it was a constant state of nagging.  “When are you going to play with me?  Why can’t I have a brother or sister?  If I had a brother or sister, I wouldn’t need you to play with me, Mommy.”

I know baby, I know.  But I can’t tell you that your father never wanted you, that you were an accident and that your father hates children.  I can’t tell you that all I have ever wanted in this world was a big, happy family, with a happy and loving father and husband.  Instead, I made the poor decision of choosing EmCee, a man who is selfish and only wants his free time to himself – children are an “inconvenience” because he can’t do what he wants to do.

So after I wrapped up work for the evening, I wanted to play with you, LittleG.  And I did, for a short time, I was trying to race cars with you while getting the kitchen cleaned up for Thanksgiving and in between laundry.

Then somehow, your father lost it (again).  He screamed for you to sit down on the couch and stay still.  He screamed at you when you didn’t listen.  He picked you up by the collar again, and that’s when I turned around to watch you push him.

Good for you LittleG! You stood up for yourself against him.  I am so proud of you that you did that!  One day, you will be bigger than your father and I hope you put him in his place.

But for now, your father didn’t like that.  And he took you by your collar once again, nearly chocking you – and threw you into the couch.

“Get your hands off of him!” I screamed, pulling at EmCee’s arms.

“Did you see that? He pushed me.  He taunted me that he wasn’t sitting on the couch.”

I stormed upstairs and took LittleG with me.  I wasn’t going to be in the same room as him.  I would put away the laundry.  Instead, though, it turned into a crying match between LittleG and I – let’s see who can cry more.

When I married EmCee in 2003 – I made the mistake of never asking his thoughts on major subjects – religion and children.  My mistake, I should have.  But because EmCee was so good around kids (he would always play with the neighbors kids, take them for ice cream, stuff like that) that I assumed EmCee liked kids.

Well, after we got married, I was informed that he wanted NO children.  Not even 1.  Not 2, and certainly not 3.  Kids were nothing but an inconvenience to him, they would take away from his free time.  They would turn into the dictators of the house, not giving him the time to do what he wants to do. (Mind you, he does nothing, has no outside interests and only watches porn, plays on the computer or watches TV, all day, everyday.) I was devastated. Destroyed.  But I thought maybe one day, I could change his mind.

6 months into the marriage, I was terrible at taking birth control pills.  Not on purpose, I would just forget and double up.  Then I would forget again, and double up again.  It always happened and I always made sure to tell EmCee that I goofed up.  But 6 months after exchanging vows, I was pregnant, by accident.  It was a happy accident for me, not for him.

6 months after I gave birth, it was the first time I thought about divorce.  I accidently left information on my computer up, and EmCee found it and lost his mind.  I figured I would be able to make it work – I had to make it work – for the sake of our son.  But it never has – 6 years later and I wish I would have divorced him then.

I’ve got baby fever tonight combined with anger over the way EmCee treats LittleG and me.  Why does EmCee refuse to divorce me when we both want different things?  Why does EmCee refuse to let me be happy?  Why is EmCee’s happiness prevail over my own?  Why is it, that if having children is what I want, and EmCee doesn’t – can’t we agree to go separate ways?   Oh I get it, and I know why … I make more money than EmCee and I own 51% of our business partnership (of which, EmCee doesn’t do anything for because he works full time at his own job) – but he would never let me own a business by myself because I’m a woman and my vendors would “walk all over” me.  I need him according to EmCee … but in reality, he is only with me because of my money – the money that he spends and spends.

I told LittleG tonight that we could leave and be happy.  There would be no more yelling, no more hitting, no more hurting.  He could see EmCee anytime he wanted, everyday if he wanted to.  He could have 2 houses, 2 toy rooms, 2 of everything!  I could have brothers and sisters for him… things would be so much happier.

LittleG cried and said NO! I’m staying with Daddy.  You can leave. I want to live in the same house as you and Daddy.  But I’ll stay with Daddy.

It broke my heart.  All I ever wanted was a child.  All I ever wanted was children.  And my only child, my only son, is rejecting me for a man who is abusive, controlling and has anger management issues.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  If I didn’t have LittleG I would run away and never come back.  But I fear for LittleG’s safety and his mental well being.

Hello, is anyone out there?  Is anyone listening?  I need help.  I feel so alone.  When will it end???

What We’ve Got Here Is A Failure To Communicate

Call failed, yet again.  And no I’m not talking about the iPhone.  I’m talking about the communication breakdown that is apparent every evening in my home.  Tonight, LittleG got a pack of Pokemon cards.  He had a double card and asked EmCee to put it in his pocket, he could  have the “double” card.  EmCee mistakenly thought that LittleG was yet again, asking EmCee to play with him.  (Which, wouldn’t be a BAD thing to play with your own son.) Of course it escalated, and wound up with EmCee thinking that LittleG was disrespecting him.

Which ended with EmCee grabbing LittleG by the collar of his shirt and threatening him to stop asking him to play.

“Now, go to your room! Mommy, you deal with him.”

So yet again, I was left cleaning up a teary eyed little mess of a 6 year old boy, once again crushed by his own father.

This has to stop.  This isn’t fair to LittleG and it isn’t fair to me.  But the only one it is fair to is EmCee, because EmCee got what he wanted – LittleG to leave him alone.

I wound up spending the night cooking for LittleG (in addition to the family who was over for a visit, which I was embarrassed by EmCee’s behavior), doing LittleG’s homework, studying, reading, bathing, and guess what – playing Pokemon cards with.

LittleG is now in bed.  I come downstairs and inform EmCee that I have to go downstairs to do work on the business, because I haven’t done work all day.

In a condescending, “greater than thou” tone to his voice he asks, “Well, where were you ALL day?”

“Excuse me?  You were home all day and you knew exactly where I was all day, every step of the way.  I went to the gym, came home, ran to school ran back home, showered, returned merchandise to the store, went to our store and checked on our employees, picked up LittleG from school, ran to two different grocery stores to get the ingredients for dinner, came home, cooked dinner, entertained the family, took care of LittleG and your asking me where I was all day?”

“Well, where were you ALL day?”

“Go fuck yourself.”  I proceeded to walk downstairs, I had no interest in re-explaining what I just did.  What HE already knew because I have to check in with him several times a day.

“Go fuck myself?” Pause. “Alright, you’re going to regret that you fucking cunt.”

I run upstairs, “Don’t you call me a cunt, you can try to bully your son, but you’re not going to bully me.  Regret it? Is that a threat?”

EmCee’s lip curls up in a snarl and his eyebrows furrow like they always do when he’s mad. “Yea, you heard me.  You’re going to regret that. You don’t tell me to go fuck myself.”

“I’m a 33 year old woman.  I don’t have to explain my every move to you.  And yes, I can tell you to go fuck yourself, because you KNEW exactly where I was today.”

The conversation escalated, with him speaking to me in an extremely condescending manner.   I told him that every couple of months this happens, he gets all pissy with LittleG and we have to have a talk about it.  Then EmCee cools down for a few weeks before it starts up again.

EmCee went into his typical tirade – “I’m a survivor.  I can face anything alone.  I don’t need you.  Remember, I had nothing, I can return to nothing.  And remember, you wouldn’t have anything without me.”

Yea, EmCee GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU ABUSIVE BASTARD.

Without me, you wouldn’t have your business. Without me, you wouldn’t have even been able to file the paperwork for the partnership.  Without me, you wouldn’t have opened an ebay store, sold thousands in collectibles (because I listed them all, sold them, packed them and shipped them out for you).  Without me, the ebay store wouldn’t have turned into a website (which I stayed up every night for years learning programming, coding, and SEO).  Without my first store, the second store wouldn’t have been launched.  Without me, there wouldn’t be a business.  Without me the website wouldn’t rank on page 1 of google for our search terms.  So go fuck yourself Mr. Know-It-All.

Without ME, you, EmCee, would be nothing.

Thank God, I taped the conversation tonight.  Now I just have to figure out how to get it off my phone and safely stored onto my computer.  I’ve had enough of your verbal, emotional and mental abuse EmCee.  This has got to stop.  NOW.

What we’ve got here is MORE than a failure to communicate.  What we’ve got here is a total breakdown of communication and our relationship.  This isn’t a relationship anymore.  This is a one way street, your street, and if we don’t follow you’re direction, we are punished.  Well, I’m tired of driving in your car.  I’m done.

I’m glad I started this blog. If anything, its a constant and continual reinforcement of WHY I want to leave you.  You know those days, the good days when I think things will be alright?  Well all I have to do is look back on this blog and see how often I post, and I’ll know, the bad days outweigh the good.  This isn’t worth it anymore.  My life, my happiness and my son’s happiness and mental stability are more important than hoping (and praying) you’ll change.  Because you won’t.  I used to worry for you, I didn’t want you to be alone if I left.  But hey, you said it, you’re a survivor.  I’m sure you’ll do fine on your own.

You Big Bully – The Jekyll and Hyde Personality

“Nothing can prepare you for living or working with a sociopathic serial bully. It is the most devastating, draining, misunderstood, and ultimately futile experience imaginable” – Tim Field
This quote today was especially important to me because once again EmCee and LittleG once again got into a battle during bathtime last night.  EmCee instructed LittleG not to go into the bathtub until the water was tested.  LittleG came into my bedroom while I was putting away laundry and I thought he was goofing around so I said to him, “You better go take a bath before Daddy gets mad.  We don’t want Daddy mad, do we?”  LittleG must have gotten confused by the varying instructions and ran into the bathroom and jumped into the bathtub.  EmCee sees this and screams at him on top of his lungs, “What are you a fucking idiot?” I immediately ran into the room and told EmCee, “Stop dropping the F bomb and stop calling him an idiot because he is not one.”  Bathtime proceeded as usual, with EmCee firmly disciplining LittleG about the dangers of scalding hot water and why jumping in to an untested tub was not safe.   Although I agree that LittleG shouldn’t jump into untested waters, I disagree with the method in which EmCee discussed it.  After bath time was over, something else happend (I’m not sure what transpired as I was still putting away laundry) but LittleG came running  back into the bedroom crying and EmCee shouting at him about “Fucking Shit” – that’s when I lost my mind and told EmCee to once again stop using the “F-Bomb” and cursing at a 6 year old.

I put LittleG to sleep last night and assured him, “You’re not stupid.  You’re not an idiot and you’re not retarded.  Daddy is having a bad night again, he doesn’t mean it.  But he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”  After hugs and kisses the night resumed.  EmCee informed me at about 11:30 pm that he “felt badly” for talking to LittleG like that and wanted LittleG to sleep with us in bed.  This after EmCee knows that I don’t sleep well with LittleG in bed, but I agreed because LittleG was very upset at his father’s behavior.

So today, I began looking up bullying. Because it feels like I’m living with a bully and a classic verbal / emotional abuser.

Within the quote above, the phrase “sociopathic serial bully” popped out to me – I had never heard of this term, even though I have a Masters in Criminal Justice and took extensive psychology and sociology courses.  So I looked it up and lo and behold, I found this page Behavior Of The Serial Bully and what do you know? EmCee fits almost every characteristic on that list!

Now, in the past I have asked EmCee to go for Anger Management counseling and he has refused.  EmCee has a “respect” issue as I call it – if he feels like he is being disrespected he gets extremely nasty towards me (or whoever “disrespects” him).  Ten years ago I would say to him, “What are you pissed off because I’m a woman?” I honestly thought he secretly had this hidden issue with women being smarter / more independent / etc .. than him.  Over the years, my “woman” comment turned into “What are you pissed off because you think you’re older and wiser than me?” (EmCee and I are ten years apart, he’s older).   But what I now realize is that EmCee is a serial bully with anger management and control freak issues.  Additionally, he’s selfish, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive.

In January of this year (2010) I tried (it was the 4th attempt in a year) to leave him.  He dragged out a screaming match with me for nearly 24 hours refusing to let me leave the house, refusing to get counseling and even at one point, drawing back his fist to punch me in the face.  He wore me down and tired me out until I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) leave.  I’ll never forget that day.  I begged him to go to counseling but he refused.  I called a counselor and made an appointment for myself and asked him to go with me.  He said no.  Right before I was going to leave, he decided he was going to go, but would only go if I drove him.  (Control again, he wouldn’t let me drive alone).  When we got to the counselor, he manipulated the counselor and made me look like the bad guy.  He told the counselor he was “afraid of being abandoned” and left on the side of the road, the carpet pulled out from under his feet.  The counselor said, it was because his Dad left him when he was a child.  But my issues, such as verbal abuse, sexual perversion (constant and continual use of pornography), control (i’m not allowed to go places such as the mall by myself, he has to be with me), and his lack of respect towards me in the bedroom – were not real issues that couldn’t be solved.

Upon our return home that afternoon, he badgered me in the car telling me he didn’t want to waist another year of his life in a marriage that he wasn’t wanted in.  I told him that I loved him but he needed to change.  I told him that we both needed counseling.  He said he didn’t need counseling, he was down that road before with his ex-wife and nothing changed (BTW, his abusive issues were all mentioned in the divorce papers from his ex – but he told me she was “crazy” and staged a fake “rape” to get out of the marriage). So here we were with him telling me I couldn’t leave, counseling was not an option and he didn’t want to stay in a marriage that was only going to end.

That evening, I still wanted to leave.  He was calm.  I walked the dogs and thought about how I was going to leave, where I was going to go, where to take LittleG.

I come back and EmCee tells me, “Go wake up LittleG.  You need to tell him that you’re leaving.”  So I wake up LittleG and sit him down next to me, I tell him, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy so we are going to live apart for a while and you’re going to stay with me.  You’ll see Daddy often.”

EmCee interrupted, “No, tell him why you’re really leaving.  Tell him you want to go, that YOUR breaking up the family because all you care about is YOUR happiness.”

LittleG falls into tears, hysterical crying.  Now EmCee has pulled out his final card – using our son against me to keep me to stay.  So I stay, reluctantly, because I can’t see my son being hurt or in pain.

Later on that night, EmCee tells me something I will never forget:

“You hurt people.  You’ve always hurt people.  This is what you do.  You go into relationships and then you leave people.”

I will never forget EmCee telling me that.  It cut my heart in two and made me question myself.  But that’s what manipulators do.  THEY HURT PEOPLE.

In every relationship, there is always a possibility that it won’t last forever (as much as we hope that it does).  But things change sometimes, people change.  But ultimately, no one enters a relationship just for the sake of hurting someone.  And in the end, I am heading for a divorce, because I can no longer live with my bully.

I’m Not Listening … Do You Hear Yourself?

There he goes again.  I  just knew it would be one of those days.  LittleG had a bad day at school, so I suggested we go to the toy store for shopping.  After all, LittleG had a few gift cards left over for his birthday, so I figured “Why not?”  It’s certainly better than shoving food in his face and causing an emotional-eating disorder.  Well EmCee decided he was going to put his puss face on the entire time (you know because it wasn’t a store that he wanted to go to, or had things he wanted to buy).

LittleG was taking about an hour, and I was tired from walking up and down the same aisles.  I didn’t complain though.  “EmCee! Can you come here, I need help getting this down.”  EmCee looks at me and doesn’t budge.  So I call to him again, “I’m coming, babe.”  As he slowly saunters down the remote control car aisle.  “LittleG wants a clear car, can you see if there are any all the way in the back?”  He immediately shouts out, “It’s not clear, it’s all they have.”  Quite annoyed.  Give me a break, just check for the kid.  Would it kill you so much.

Oh yes, it would, because you’re a selfish ass half the time.  That’s right, if it doesn’t involve you, it’s just not important.  We walk out of the store and he’s got “the look” on.  “What’s wrong?” I ask.  “Nothing.”  I can already tell its going to be one of those nights.  We plow on….

By the time we get home from our errands for the evening, its nearly 7:30 pm.  The crockpot is cooking away beef stew for the evening because I knew we would be late home.  I love the crock pot for this reason!  LittleG had asked for pizza on the way home, which we stopped to pick up.  But the house is a mess (as usual when EmCee works from home).  I immediately start to straighten the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher and straightening the countertops.  (BTW, by this time I’m annoyed the house is so messy and I am starving).

EmCee, breaks open the pizza box at the stove top and starts eating.  Now, the dogs need to be fed, LittleG needs his dinner, the kitchen needs to be windexed, dishes out of the sink into the dishwasher, dishwasher emptied, and so forth … I look at EmCee… is he kidding me?  Everyone is hunrgy, why did he stop to eat?

“Really, EmCee? Really?  I’m hungry too you know!”

*Dirty look* Not sure what I did to deserve the dirty look, all I wanted was a bit of help, you know put the pizza in a dish for our son, maybe feed the dogs while I windex the kitchen and put stuff away so we can sit down and eat dinner in peace and cleanliness.  But no, he had to forget everything else and just stuff his mouth.  Of course, I should have known, it’s all about him, isn’t it.

It’s ALWAYS about him.

After dinner, I say to LittleG who is watching TV.  “After, Mommy has a cigarette we need to do homework.” (That was his 5 minute warning).  I sit down next to EmCee.  EmCee directs at LittleG, “Get me your schoolbag.”

LittleG responds, “But Mommy didn’t have her cigarette yet!”

Well now that just sends EmCee into a tongue lashing,

“Who are you to backtalk to me?  I said get me your schoolbag.  Would it hurt you to listen to me for once without questioning everything I say?” (Now, EmCee is getting himself more and more enraged)

“Turn off the TV NOW!!!  Come here and give me your backpack.  I wanted to look over what you had for homework.” (LittleG hands him the backpack and sits on the bench, with  his head in his hands on the table).

“WHAT??!? Now that’s how you behave?  Go sit on the couch and wait for your mother.” (Are you serious EmCee?  Really? Come on now, LittleG wasn’t back talking or giving you grief.)

We start our homework while EmCee now sits on the couch and puts on TV (This after I told EmCee repeatedly NOT to watch TV while we do homework because it distracts our little man.  I’ve asked him numerous times to watch TV in the family room which is in the basement!) While watching TV, EmCee falls asleep on the couch.  We finish our homework, read a story, study for our test and practice our guitar lessons.  EmCee wakes up after all of this to have a “smoke” and watch TV.

After a bit of running around, I inform LittleG it was bedtime, off to the bedroom we go, LittleG taking a monkey eraser in his hand. We brush our teeth, go potty and get ready for bed.  EmCee comes upstairs and grabs the eraser and mumbles something about it.  LittleG immediately says, “But it’s mine, Daddy!”

“Are you raising your voice to me? Who are you raising your voice to?  Now, you can’t have the eraser, it’s going in my pocket.  And get yourself dressed for bed.”  EmCee proceeds to throw LittleG’s pajamas at his face and turns to storm out.

“Don’t you treat him like that.  He didn’t hear you.”

“Well, I’m tired of him always raising his voice and back talking to me.”

(The conversation continued, but I won’t continue to bore you.) LittleG was left standing there dejected while I tried to console him and get him dressed for bed.  Mind you, I’m in trouble now for protecting my son and standing up for him.

*Bedtime*

“Mommy, why is Daddy always, you know….”

“Why is Daddy always what?”

“You know … (silence) … mean”

“I don’t know why Daddy is always mean.  Not all Daddies are mean, LittleG. I’m sorry he upset you.”

We say goodnight and give hugs and kisses, I proceed downstairs…. EmCee is at the kitchen table, with his iPhone and earbuds in his ear.

“Are you coming downstairs to watch TV?” I ask.

“No, I’m going to sleep.” EmCee replies with a pissed off face on.

I walk downstairs to check my emails and facebook, its just better not to engage him in conversation.

20 minutes later, I hear “Goodnight” Like the dutiful wife, I go upstairs and kiss him goodnight and say a prayer of thanks that he’s going to bed.  I don’t want to deal with him anymore.  I’m so tired of this life.

 

Some Days Are Better Than Others

Some days are better than others, this I know is true.  And it is often that these days, are the days when things just look OK, that life is tolerable and that I can make it through.  But no matter how good those days are, I can’t see that I am truly happy in the situation I am in.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day about Emcee (that’s the name I will give my husband on here, because he always likes to be the center of attention and hold “court” as he calls it).  I told my mother straight out, “I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy and not be alone, but overall, I am not in love with him.”

I could list a million things he does that absolutely drive me insane, but the bottom line is, no one is going to get a divorce over not flushing the toilet, or constantly being on the cell phone, or falling asleep on the couch and snoring during my favorite show.  Those are the little things you come to live with and accept as part of your partner.

It’s the big things, the constant never changing attributes that slowly gnaw at the relationship, eventually slowing its growth and being in charge for it’s demise. Those are the things that will cause a divorce.

I’ll give you an example … my son, LittleG will push anyone’s buttons.  He’s not a bad kid at all, he’s a pleasure – naturally curious, always talking and asking questions.  Everyone loves him.  He’s a sweet 6 year old.  But he doesn’t pay attention.  And that drives EmCee insane.  It drives me insane too sometimes, but I don’t yell and lash out at him.  EmCee will.  EmCee will infact, say things to LittleG such as, “Are you retarded?  Is there something wrong with you?  I should take you to the doctor…”

I’ve disagreed on this with EmCee quite often, our child rearing ideas differ on this topic.  My mother has said to me in EmCee’s defense, “He never had a father in his life.  He doesn’t know how to be a dad.”  or “You don’t think he really means that do you? That’s just the way he is.”

Maybe, just maybe, I’m crazy for thinking that this seems like verbal abuse?  How you’re never supposed to use words like “retarded” towards a child?  When I have corrected him, he agreed reluctantly, because he is very “old school” in his train of thought.  It’s not to say it never happened again, because it has.  Over and over, maybe not always the same words, but the same meaning behind them.

What disgusts me even more is that my mother stood up and defended his behavior!  I know she was only trying to ration with me and calm me down, try to keep the marriage together, but I am adamant that those words are unacceptable towards a child!

It’s late and I’m tired, the sun always comes out tomorrow.  And its another day.  I just need someone to tell me, I’m not wrong!

From the Inside Looking Out

For the past two years, I have been sleep walking past hope.  Two days ago I described the fog I was in as “Existing not living”.  Would I categorize myself as depressed?  Possibly.  But it is not that I don’t know the reason’s for my waves of sadness.  I do.  And I know exactly how I can fix them.  I chose not to fix them at the moment because I know it could be seen as selfish on my part for wanting to be happy.  You see if I do what needs to be done to feel happy again, I will be called selfish.  I will be told that “I am a bad person because I hurt people” (which 9 months ago was told to me as I tried to escape to happiness.)  My son will be waged against me, used only to hold me under his rein.  There are many reasons why I choose not to leave at the moment.

One of the main reasons is that I haven’t figured it out yet.  There is too much shrubbery blocking the path for me to see the other side.  I ponder circumstances,  weight outcomes.  There isn’t a stone I will leave unturned before I make my final decision.  I know what needs to be done, but I am scared to walk the path. And I am scared to walk the path alone.

Every night I think about my situation, I think about things.  Some days are happy and tolerable.  Nothing seems to be wrong.  Nothing seems to bother me.  I am on the top of the world.  It’s days like that, that I think we could be happy.  Maybe I am wrong.  But more days than not, I think that grass could indeed be greener on the other side.

I have no one I can confide in, not one friend I could trust.  My family lives far away from me, and my mother and I haven’t always had the closest of relationships.  And he says I don’t need therapy, I don’t need to speak to someone, that I am fine.  But I do need to speak to someone.  Thus, this blog is formed.  Totally anonymous, totally me.  Just as a way to sort through my ow thoughts and possibly see the light on the other side.  Perhaps someone will find this blog and be able to relate.  Perhaps I am not alone.

From the outside looking in, we have everything people dream of.  (And he reminds me of this often).  There is no disputing this, we seem like the happy picture perfect couple.  House, dogs, a super kid, cars, jobs, vacations…. everything but the white picket fence.  But when you’re on the inside looking out, everything is different.  The perfect picture isn’t so perfect, now is it?