Catching Up …. You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

I filed for divorce in June.  When he found out, he flipped out.  In June, there were days where he kept me up for over 48 hours at a time in spurts.  One moment he was praising how good he was and the next moment he was tearing me down and telling me mean things such as calling me a “social moron” or calling me “sexually dysfunctional”.

For the sake of the marriage, I enlisted a marriage counselor in July.  We agreed to 8 weeks of counseling and holding off on the divorce proceedings.  We started off counseling, and the counselor gave us homework to do.  I did my part, he failed to do his part.  In counseling she told us that I was looking for an emotional connection, I wanted to feel loved, adored, appreciated and respected.  She also told him that emotional and verbal abuse scars take longer to heal than physical abuse.  While he admitted to everything I said as true and accurate, he contended that I should accept him as who he is, flaws, verbal abuse and all.  He said, “she’s got a house, a business, a car, a kid – people are jealous of her. What more does she want?”  My therapist said that he equates material things to love, whereas I equate emotional connections to love.  We were on two different realities and we needed to come together.

Later on in therapy, he said that there are no issues in the marriage.  All the problems were my issues not his.  I had a problem with him, he didn’t have a problem with me, therefore he didn’t think he belonged in therapy.  He also said that he was this way all of his life, he didn’t change, I did – and he was not willing to change for me.  When it was explained that I was 23 when we met, and Im now 34, of course, I changed, I matured and grew – and that our relationship should mature and grow too – he countered and said it shouldn’t.  Life was all about “survival” – as long as we are “surviving” it was fine.  There was no need to grow and learn more about ourselves.  That’s not what life is about.

He further went on in therapy to say that I had issues, not him.  I was insecure and I had abandonment issues.  My therapist countered, an insecure woman with abandonment issues would not file for divorce.  He couldn’t answer that.

Another issue we had in therapy was that there was no equality and no negotiation in the marriage.  He said straight out, “If its not going my way, I will shut it down”.  We had no mutuality, no mutual goals we were working on.  He said he didn’t want any more kids because he is selfish and likes his life, but he loves our son.  To my heartbreak of course.

I went to therapy by myself one day and she told me that everytime he does something or says something I was to treat him like a child.  “Stop that.  I will not take you talking that way to me.” If he threw a temper tantrum (which he did several time over the course of therapy) I was told to treat him like I would treat a child in a temper tantrum.  I should walk away and ignore him.  I tried it several times, and if I said, “Stop! Don’t say things like that!” He walked out of the car in the middle of the street one time I did that.

Therapy didn’t work out.  You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. But really, you can’t have someone change who isn’t willing to change.  That’s the bottom line.

He wanted me to accept him, flaws and all.  All I asked was to be treated a little more respectfully, both in our marriage and in bed.  Negotiate with me so we are both mutually satisfied.

So we decided on a marriage settlement agreement (MSA).  He told me, that I was to waive my irrevocable right to alimony, otherwise he wouldn’t sign.  He doesn’t want to pay child support, because I can support both myself and our son.  When I told him the courts could decide for us since he was being (again, not getting his way so we can’t negotiate) – he basically told me if these things werent in the agreement, he wouldn’t sign it.

He refuses to get a lawyer.  He took 7500 out of our business account, put it into his account and then took it out in cash.  When I accused him of hiding assets, he opened a new bank account in his name only and put it in there, because he wants the MSA to say all individually owned bank accounts will not be divided.

When I brought up the issue of when he was going to sign the MSA, he called me childish for wanting a divorce.  He told me that it was selfish of me to destroy our family just for the sake of me being happy.  He told me that I really didnt know what I wanted, I was so indecisive that I was the one doing damage to our family, not him.  He told me our therapist was irrational (she called him out on his verbal abuse) and I should seek counseling from someone who was rational and would “knock some sense into me”.

Yes, I am a bit undecided.  I spent 10 years with a man, whom I have a son with.  I don’t want to break up a family, but raising a son in this environment isn’t healthy.  (He feels it is).  I read statistics that children who grow up in an intact but angry family have more self esteem issues than those who go through with a divorce.  He is once again making promises (which he has in the past and has broken) that we can have more children and buy a real house for the family.   I am afraid that this is all just smoke and mirrors to get me to rescind the divorce papers so he will have his way.  I dont want to start over, its pretty scary! But I dont want to live a life full of lies and regrets. I dont want to look back 10 years from now and say, “I should have moved out.”

He called me deceitful for hiring an attorney and filing for divorce behind his back.  He told me that wives dont do that to their husbands. He has left me confused about our marriage – one moment he is happy and says we can have a child – the next minute he says he is not having a child with me to “save” a failing marriage.  So I am left not knowing where I stand.  If I go back, he will use the excuse we have issues to avoid more children.  If I try and go, he will say he will have more kids.

I can not forget him calling me a social moron (which I am not, I have more friends than him), or that I am sexually dysfunctional (I cant orgasm with him, I wonder why, perhaps there is no emotional connection?) or when he picked up my son by the collar of his shirt and choked him, or when he tried ramming me into the couch chocking me because I wanted to tape him saying “he will make sure I am in a cardboard box with our son, homeless) or when he told me to tell our son “tell him he will never see Daddy again” or how he woke our son up in the middle of the night and forced me to tell him “Mommy is leaving and breaking up the family” – I cant forget these are his manipulative ways when he doesn’t get his own way.  When he first found out I had an attorney, he left our son alone (he is 6) in the living room for 3 hours after he woke up without breakfast or lunch – because he was on the phone trying to call attorneys.  I had come home from work to check on our son and was raging mad that he was starving while my husband was too busy in the bathroom on the phone trying to make arrangements.

Right now, we are not speaking to each other.  I sit on my computer after dinner for hours playing games trying to ignore our issues, while he sits upstairs on his computer doing whatever he does.  We live a life of avoidance and not speaking.  He said the other day to our son that our marriage was once again “normal” – I guess not speaking to each other is what he considers a “normal happy marriage”.

Today I found his email open, he has subscribed to three dating sites, I was mad.  So I signed up with a fake email address and filled out the profile just to see what he has been up to.  He logs into these accounts daily it seems and he is looking for “dating but nothing serious”.  He also says he is looking for a “smart-ass” to have some fun with and it would be a bonus if you were a “smart-ass and a yoga instructor” so he can see you pull some moves.  This is not normal!  I know men look at porn, but it is completely disrespectful to have online profiles looking for dating!!! So much for him trying to save a marriage!

I have the final draft of the MSA sitting in my email, along with a copy of my CIS for him.  I am to email him and say I need the name of your attorney or the name of the attorney you will be consulting with to enter into these documents.  If you are not obtaining one, you need to contact my lawyer to schedule an appointment for the court stenographer to record a meeting between you and my lawyer so that he has advised you of your rights and you are entering into this MSA without duress and understand its contents.  I also need to ask him to look over the CIS and sign a form stating it is true to his knowledge or have him fill out his own CIS.  – I am dreading this moment because I know another argument will ensue over it.  When do I do it?  During the school week so my son’s studies will be affected?  During the weekend so I will be berated, belittled and screamed at for 48 hours straight while my son is home with us?

My lawyer says once the MSA goes over to him and we know who his lawyer is, or if he is going to come into his office, then we can get moving.  If he doesn’t respond, then he will write up a letter to him stating I am moving out with my son.  Let him get a lawyer and go to court to fight over it.  My lawyer says a judge will see the divorce was applied for in June, marital counseling in July and August, served in August, failed to respond to the service by the September deadline and failed to sign the MSA that we had agreed on … and will laugh in his face that now he is seeking me to come back home with our son.

Wish me luck, pray for me.  I need all the strength I can get.  I’m not sure when to send him the MSA.  My birthday is next week, I’m thinking it would be a good birthday gift to myself.


  1. #1 by sunsethope on October 9, 2011 - 6:46 am

    Wow, I’m so glad to hear you are moved out (I read your latest post). I am sorry for everything you have been through. You deserve better. I’m proud of you. It took courage. Brava, friend.

    Looking at porn, married or not, is disrespectful towards women, encourages violence toward women, and degenerates women into sexual objects. It is addictive, the visual imagery produces such an effect, (especially true for men) that he needs more of it to receive the same reaction,…and leads to greater acts of violence. It does not encourage seeing women as bright, capable, equal companions, as people to be treated with respect and kindness. Viewing pornography isn’t part of a healthy sexual relationship- (that is my view, I’m not sure where you stand, hopefully a counselor can help you with it); but pornography is based on fantasy, not reality. Marriages that otherwise seem normal and healthy fall apart over this very issue, a husband’s pornography addiction. And I know that pornography is only part of the issue here, in your life. This man has some serious issues. I found the dating profiles he is posting while still married disturbing. Is he more concerned with finding another partner in bed than this relationship? (Could he be a sex addict?)

    How did you find your counselor trained in verbal abuse? They don’t usually advertise themselves that way.

    Your (soon to be ex-husband) was certainly not kind nor respectful toward you, and what I find disconcerting and alarming is that he doesn’t recognize nor admit his faults and see certain behaviors as inappropriate. He is quite immature– waking up your son in the middle of the night? Ugh, you’ve been through horrors– choking of your son, choking you, the talk of being homeless, etc. It seems like a horrible movie, friend, but it has been your life. I feel for you. You did the right thing– but behind it all, I know there’s a pain and grief over the loss of years with this man, loss of love, and of a relationship, a family. Maybe you’ve worked through some of the pain, but I know it takes time to heal.

    Stay safe, friend. and thanks for touching base in cyberspace.

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