I confessed to the girls at work the other day, why I am in such a miserable and often bitchy mood so often. Hearing the words come out of my mouth, I thought to myself, what I am saying sounds awful. It sounds abusive. It just sounds so wrong. It brought one of my co-workers to tears, she couldn’t believe I was going through so much crap at home (I tend to hide things pretty well). But I got the support I needed, I heard the things I needed to hear.
“If you don’t get away now, LittleG is going to blame you for the rest of his life for not protecting him.”
“If you don’t get away, LittleG is going to turn into his father.”
“If you don’t get away, you are ruining your chance of ever being happy.”
“If you don’t get away, things are going to get worse. They never get better, e. They never do.”
I know they are right, but in the end, I still make excuses in my head.
I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. I’ve tried twice to schedule this appointment but due to the crappy weather we are having in the Northeast, I had to cancel and reschedule twice. (Actually, the first time he decided to stay home from work and I couldn’t just disappear for 3 hours – no way for me to justify my actions to him). And then I realized, no matter what I do, I have to check in with him. No matter where I go, he needs to know. Sounds a bit control-freak, no? But in honest and open relationships, wouldn’t you call your partner and tell them, “Hey, I’m going to yoga after work.” I mean you wouldn’t just disappear, would you? No, common sense says that you would call so as not to worry.
But here’s the catch. ‘Hey, I’m going to go to yoga after work.” His response, “Do you really have to go? Why don’t you take the night off, you’ve worked all day.” (Yea, and that’s why I need yoga. Oh, and it would keep me out of the house for another hour or two away from you.)
So I was thinking, what exactly do I tell this lawyer. Of course I should explain why I want a divorce, but I don’t want it to get messy. I am the type of person that always says, “Why can’t we all just get along?” But I know, I have to fight fire with fire and I have to bring out the big guns to get away from him. But I don’t in my heart, want to air out all of our dirty laundry and I don’t want to claim the mental/physical/emotional abuse and sexual demands. I just don’t want to. But in the end, I know that unless he agrees to a clean and divided asset break, this is going to get ugly and it will go to the court system.
And I know I need this conference tomorrow so I know how to proceed in the future. The future being less than 6 months away. It’s kind of scary, thinking about it. I have never lived on my own, I have always lived with someone (be it my family, then my roommate, then EmCee.) Will I be able to financially afford it? Yes, if I can keep our business. If not, I will be broke. But I will survive. I have to survive. I have LittleG to protect. I can’t have him ever tell me, “Mom, You’re Ruining My Life!” Because I want him to be happy, healthy and feel loved.
Updates on EmCee’s outrageous behaviors:
- EmCee has been up to his old tricks since my last post. He’s indulged himself in 250.00 ice skates (because we were going skating and he refuses to rent skates). I walked out of the store just when it was time to purchase, saying I wanted a cigarette. It was my way of playing his game so I didn’t have to pay. Screw him, let him foot the bill. Only problem is he didn’t pay any bill, he used the company credit card to pay for his skates. And when we got to the ice rink, he took one run around it and complained his back hurt. Oh boo, hoo. Maybe if you didn’t weight 300 pounds it wouldn’t hurt. Poor LittleG didn’t even get a chance to learn to skate because we were rushed home so quickly. And I’m sure we will never see those $250 dollar skates ever again. That’s some expensive “rental”.
- Last night, the water pipe to the fridge decided it was going not to work. EmCee decided he was going to investigate it and open it, and didn’t even move any of my papers out from underneath. (One of my home office desks sits under it). My books and study material got soaked and LittleG’s art supplies did as well. I barked, “Would it have hurt you to have moved my desk over 12 inches? Or you could have asked me to do it.” (The desk is only about 10 pounds, really lightweight, there’s nothing on it but a few notebooks and papers). Just shows you how inconsiderate he is.
- Not to mention how many arguments he’s gotten into with LittleG. I keep reminding him to stop dropping the F-bomb when he speaks to our son. Our son is 6, not an adult and deserves to be treated like a 6 year old and with respect.
- To piggy back on the LittleG arguments, LittleG got his report card on Friday. All A’s and A+’s! I was so very proud of him! But in the comments section I see, “LittleG is a very bright young man. However his behavior in class is often disruptive to other students and at times is disrespectful.” Gee, I wonder why, let’s see …maybe its because he has learned first hand from his father that it’s ok to be a disrespectful, demanding person. So now I have a conference with the teacher this week. I’m debating on whether or not to let her in on what is going to happen by the summer time.
- Last night our 19 year old employee posts to her FB a picture of a doughnut and hot cocoa from Dunkin’. In the background there were the words (DD’s advertising for their chocolate lover’s month) “Reverse Boston Kreme” – I made the comment, oh I love what it says in the background … it’s priceless! lol Well EmCee saw that I posted on her picture and decided to make a comment of his own. “Reverse Boston Kreme, I have stories about that, I know firsthand about Reverse Boston Kreme.” The thing is, its one thing when you are in the office and joking with the girls. Yes, its no surprise, we girls giggle about sex and guys. It’s a completely other thing when your 42 yr old male boss makes a sexual innuendo on your personal FB page. I told EmCee his comment was not appropriate, and told him to delete it before it was posted. He deletes it and writes something to the effect of, “I had a really great comment on Reverse Boston Kreme, but I was scolded by my wife and was made to remove it.” Real childish. The girl writes back, “Do I really want to know?” EmCee posts back, “No”. Because honestly she didn’t, that would have been creepy. But he is creepy, in the perverted sense, you know?
- A few nights ago, he told me to “Go Fuck Myself” and in case you don’t remember the post back in November when I told him the exact same thing, his response to me was “You’re going to regret it you fucking cunt.” Well when he said it to me, I turned around and told him the same thing, “You better watch your mouth or your going to regret it.”
- Feisty I am. I’m learning not to take his shit anymore. Tonight, he looks at me and says over dinner, “You know you haven’t been too nice to me lately.” No that’s right I haven’t I’m tired of your shit, because you EmCee, you’re ruining my life!!! And I’m not going to take it anymore!
So, I have had it with him. I’m learning to stand up for myself. I will not tolerate living with someone like him. I caught myself the other night, I actually sat on the opposite end of the couch – all the way away from him! I usually sit next to him. I also haven’t been calling him as much during the day and I’ve been spending a lot more time in our office location, just so I don’t have to see him. LittleG too, also asks to come to the office with me afterschool even when his Dad is home working, because he doesn’t want to hear EmCee’s mouth.
A change is coming, but not soon enough!