Archive for January, 2011
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not a prude. If someone was to call me a “piece of ass” I’d take it as a compliment, because your average 20-40 year old guy probably uses the term more often than not, and not in a derogatory way – its just merely a way of them saying that the woman who has caught their eye – is sexy. But there is a time and a place for everything, and there is also a way of saying it that can turn a simple phrase into something vulgar and disgusting.
EmCee has a way of offending me with his comments. Deep down in my heart, I know that’s just the way he is – as my dear (deceased) grandmother would say, “He’s crude, rude and uncouth.” (Mind, you she never met EmCee, but I know that famous phrase of hers would have been uttered if she met him).
So EmCee is a little rough around the edges sometimes. I know he doesn’t always mean what he says. I know he’s not the roses and romance type. I knew this when I married him.
But after nearly 10 years of being together, you would think he would know me well enough to know what to say to get laid.
Tuesday night (Jan 18, 2011) I was watching TV, one of my favorite shows, The Good Wife. After it was over EmCee starts flipping through the DVR and puts on the Playboy show Foursome. I sit idly by, on the couch, watching not for the sex, but gawking at the stupidity of the episode’s cast. After that show finished, EmCee pulls out a bag full of porn videos (that he picked up from his friend) and proceeds to put one in.
I start to doze off on the couch, after all it’s nearly 1 am and I was tired from working all day (and subsequently doing the household chores, dinner, homework and such). But God forbid, I tell EmCee I am tired and want to go to sleep, he pouts like a 2 year old.
At 1:30 am as I am napping (I wouldn’t call it sleep), I get woken up, “Let me see that ass of yours.”
Excuse me? The mere words disgust me. Now, I understand every couple has 3 stages of sex – fucking (when you just have to have your partner for a quick romp), sex (when you just want sex and you love your partner) and making love (you know the soft sweet, kiss you all night, caress you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear). Mind you, EmCee has only 1 version of sex in his repertoire – and that’s fucking.
Usually, our sex session will consist of: EmCee expecting a blow job – a blow job is his idea of foreplay and he gives nothing in return to arouse me or get me interested. After he gets a little head, he then expects to fuck and everytime he tries to have anal sex with me (which at this point, I flat out refuse to give into). Once he’s done fucking me and is ready to “bust a nut” (as he so eloquently calls it) he pulls out, cums on some body part and then walks out to clean himself up.
While I am left in the bed, unfulfilled, unsatisfied and left holding the vibrator to please myself. That’s just a saying, not that I’m using a vibrator while he fucks me (I’m usually just praying that he finishes up quickly), but the point is, if I want to orgasm, at this point, I need to use a vibrator because EmCee is done “working”. He will then lay on the bed, smoke a cigarette and watch TV ignoring me.
So then what’s the point of me having sex with him? Give me one good reason why, I should have sex with him, when sex is a one way street?
And I’ve told him, time and time again, if you want to get me interested, why don’t you initiate sex, you know, touch me, talk to me, kiss me, go down on me (oral sex), do something … just don’t expect me to give you a blow job and get in the mood without even warming me up! His response usually is, well I kiss you and you pull away, I try to touch you and you don’t like it, I’ve tried to give you oral sex and you don’t like it.
Yes, EmCee that’s because your level of enthusiasm for doing any of those things is rated at a -10 (negative). You don’t put any effort into it. I think you rather eat a bowl of spaghetti than touch me or try to arouse me.
So when EmCee tells me, “Let me see that ass of yours.” It’s no wonder why I am unresponsive. Whenever we have sex it’s not pleasurable for me. It’s boring, routine and quite frankly, I feel that I am just being used. That’s not love. Maybe in his head that’s love, but it’s not for me, not anymore. I refuse to be used as a “Piece of Ass.”
And i feel
Despair kissing our lips again
And i feel
Despair holding our hearts again
– Again, HIM
Although I have been quiet on here lately, it doesn’t mean the issues have faded or disappeared. On the contrary, they have just manifested over and over again. It’s never enough. No matter how much I give, no matter how much I try it’s never enough.
Nothing is ever enough for him. We give and give, and he takes and takes. He will continue to take until there is no more. And even after I am depleted, he will want more.
Every New Year’s we take vacations separately. I visit my friends in Europe, he visits his friends in Jamaica. And yes, we just got back from a family vacation in October. And another family vacation just before that in July.
At first, his plane was canceled due to the heavy snows we had here in the northeast, but was rescheduled for 2 days later. My plane however, was not canceled, which caused him to spin into a frenzy that I was getting away before him. As if I had the upper hand, the advantage in his game of tit for tat. Not that he said anything to me directly, but I could hear the panic in his voice, see the insanity in his eyes as he called the airline on Christmas Day pleading to change his flight to that evening so he could escape before the snows. How he sat for nearly 24 hours in front of the computer trying to figure out a way to escape before me.
Unfortunately, his prayers were left unanswered, and he was forced to take vacation 2 days later than anticipated. Oh my poor husband, his vacation was cut down to 6 days instead of 8. (Mind you, my vacation was only 6 days to begin with).
While I was overseas, Little G was with him. I was called nearly every day and tortured – getting scolded for going away on my annual vacation and leaving him “alone” to deal with our son. (Oh the horror! Can you imagine?!?) He told me that his vacation was horrible because he had no time for himself. And I couldn’t imagine what it was like to deal with our son for 24/7 (Hmm, actually I do, who do you think takes care of him the majority of the time anyway?).
I was reminded that if I was there, things would be so much easier, because EmCee would have time for himself. Please, he was in Jamaica with one of the richest families there who have a nanny watch our son and their own children when EmCee visits. I feel so sorry that he was in warm temperatures at a 5 star all inclusive resort with a nanny…. *scarcasm*
When I touched down in America a few days ago, my (childhood) best friend’s mom had died (I have known her since I’m 5) and I had to drive straight to the funeral home for the wake directly from the airport. After the wake, I ate a late dinner with her and her husband before driving another 60 miles home (by myself) only to drop off my luggage and drive another 20 miles at midnight to the airport to pick up EmCee and Little G. By the time I picked them up, it was over 24 hours since I had slept last because of the European – American time zone differences. I was practically seeing the horizon close before my eyes, but I had to drive them home.
And I was immediately bombarded with complaints.
- he had no time for himself
- he hardly slept all week
- Little G gave him a hard time
- all his vacation was spent catering to Little G
- While I was in Europe, he was in Jamaica
- He needed to book another vacation ASAP for the family, because this wasn’t a vacation for him
- He needed to book a week vacation for himself too, by himself, because he needed a rest
- why did I have to go to the wake again tomorrow and the funeral on wednesday
- and it goes on and on…
Now, I never told him to go to Jamaica in the first place. I’ve often asked him to join me in my vacation to Europe but I get told that my friends are “stupid”, “childish”, “immature”, the places I visit are “too cold”, “uninteresting” and “boring”. Because European culture and history is so boring compared to parking his fat ass on a beach all week. Pardon me that I asked you to move your fat, lazy ass and WALK around cities visiting UNESCO historical and religious sites. (Oh the horror!)
So as I am unpacking the suitcases, doing laundry and putting away the clothing … I got really aggravated and angry. He has SO many clothes that I can’t even get his tee shirts into his drawers. It is a shame that there are poor people in this world who have nothing and he just continues to buy and buy … we have too much stuff. We take too many vacations. We toss out too much wasted food. Its all waste. I started to cry (thankfully, I was alone) because he can not distinguish between wants and needs. I cry for those less fortunate than us, who are suffering through the bitterness of winter while I am stuffed to the brims in excess. It disturbs me to no end. My lifestyle is destroying my karma.
It may be never enough for him, but I have had enough. I have a goal, a date in my mind – to change my destiny. Wish me luck. More tomorrow.