Archive for December, 2010
My husband and son are two peas in a pod. When they want something, they are relentless, hounding until they get it. I suppose my son is only a byproduct of my husband’s greed and lack of discipline in saying “no”. Hubby says it is only because he grew up “poor” and “had nothing” and that he makes money and can buy what he wants.
But at what expense?
There is a point in life where you realize that there is a difference between wants and needs. Neither my son nor my husband can seemingly distinguish from the two. What triggered this tonight? It wasn’t my husband this time (inadvertently it is) but it was my son’s temper tantrum over him wanting things way too much (This week I’ve been asked for pokemon cards, ps3 games, hot wheels, a bunk bed, smoothies, new sneakers and some more items which I am probably forgetting). When I tell my son, “No” it isn’t because I can’t afford it, it’s because he already has too much – another thing will just be a waste of money as it’s tossed to the side a day later.
But I do blame my husband and it is one of the main reasons why I am bitter, resentful and unhappy in our marriage. No matter what EmCee wants, no matter the expense, no matter how hard I will have to work to pay it off, he gets what he wants. And he gets it RIGHT NOW.
Hubby spends money like water. As if money grew on the trees outside our home – that we can pick off what we want, whenever we want it. His habits are frivolous, outrageous and over the top. After 7 years of marriage (and 9 years of living together) you would think we would have upgraded our 2 bedroom starter townhome into a growth home – you know where you raise a family!?! But because of hubby’s spending, we can’t afford it. (And we make enough to afford a very nice 4-5 bedroom home!)
Here’s some highlights of how he controls the money and how he bleeds me of every dime I have:
- We’ve refinanced our home 3 times in the past 7 years to pay off his credit cards. Each time, they were over 20k. He says he bought things for the family (well where are these “things” I want to know). If you look at his statements, they are mainly all food purchases. (Oh right, we spent 60k in eating out?!?!). Closer inspection, he’s paid for company lunches (and said they paid him in cash, he just put it on his card for the “miles”) he also regularly went out for $30 dollar lunches at his lunch hour. As soon as the cards were paid off, he charged up a storm again until I screamed and told him to stop.
- A fourth time (January 2009) I withdrew 20k in my own personal (private) savings from a injury settlement I won, to again pay off his credit card bill. He will say again it was for things for the family (I want to know where 80k in items are in my house). And he will argue that I have a card too (which I don’t carry with me and I never use, I use my own credit cards and I pay off my own bills – with my own money from my own paychecks).
- August 2009 his credit card was back up to 12k, which I withdrew money from our business to pay off again. Granted 4k was a family trip to Disney World.
- January 2010 his credit card bill was back up to 18k (after only 4 months) – at that point I sat him down and told him that I was not going to withdraw more money from the business to pay off his debt. I told him that he was spending more than he was making per month and it HAD to stop. When he argued with me over it, I presented him with the statements and he appeared shocked it was all restaurant and food purchases, mainly. Since I refused to pay off his bills this year, the bill is slowly being paid off. Its down to about 8k, but guess what? I’ve taken our 10k from the business to pay it off. He claims he is “owed” this money since he (on paper) is a partner of the business. I say he’s just bleeding me dry. He doesn’t work for the business (he’s got a full time job) and I am the sole operator of the daily, day to day activities. (Actually, the business would not exist without me).
- Greed? The pièce de résistance is this: On my 31th birthday in 2008, he drove me to the mall. I thought maybe he was going to buy me a birthday gift. No, he wanted an iPhone. There was nothing wrong with the phone he had, he just wanted a damn iPhone. I hid under the escalator in the mall and cried to my best friend that I was going to do whatever it took to divorce him. He was so inconsiderate that day, he didn’t realize I was crying, he didn’t care it was my birthday, he didn’t buy me a gift, he didn’t even buy me a card!! When we came home, he took out a 100 calorie carrot cake, stuck a used candle in it and said “Happy Birthday” – go fuck yourself, EmCee. An iPhone is more important than acknowledging I exist?
- His shopping habits are insane. We went to the Puma store and he bought 6 pairs of sneakers, in every color they had in his size. Black and orange suede, black and green suede, red and white, solid white, white and green … he’s got about 20 pairs of sneakers in his closet. Not to mention tons of dress shoes he never wears. Jeans? About 20 pair. Work pants? About 40. Shirts – when he goes to Tommy Hilfiger he will buy every polo shirt in every color. He takes up the dresser, a nightstand and the double closets in our room. (Me? I share a closet with my son and storage).
- For his 40th birthday in 2008, I bought him a brand new MacBook. In January 2010, because Apple came out with a new model, he had to spend another $1500 to replace his. (His excuse, our son could use his old one).
- When the iPad came out in March-April 2010, he had to be one of the first people to get one. Because carrying an iPhone and owning a brand new MacBook wasn’t enough.
- When the office moved in 2008 to our new location, he demanded we buy a Apple because it looks “trendy” when customers come in. Meanwhile, none of the employees (or myself) feel comfortable using a Mac. There goes another $2200 down the drain …
- When my car lease was expiring, I wanted to look at a Ford Edge because it had the sync system and was affordable. He told me to drive to Porsche because they were running “deals” and I would get a similar payment to that of a Ford. I couldn’t stay for the salesman to look up the inventory or the pricing (I had an appointment) but when I cam back, my credit had already been run and the car was being prepped for me. All I had to do was “sign” the paperwork. (He will blame me and say I wanted it, but to this day I maintain I didn’t. Hey, I used to drive a Honda Civic for pete’s sake!)
- When I point out to him the amount of money we’ve thrown away, he says its all my fault. I wanted to go on vacation. I needed designer jeans (I have 4 pairs that were bought because he said I “looked hot” in them), I needed the Porsche, I needed ….
- When I took a vacation to Europe with my girlfriends, he said he couldn’t “stay home” with our son. So he booked a trip to the Caribbean. Not only did he book a trip, but he purchased first class plane tickets for both himself and our son and charged them (he said using points made no sense). And purchased a 5 star, all inclusive resort. He told me I didn’t need first class airfare, but he did, since he was flying with our son alone. Total cost of his trip? 8k plus the 1k he took for “spending money”. Total cost of my trip: just under 2k (again, I paid for my own trip – 1600 in airfare/hotel, 400 in spending money).
You see, it’s not that we don’t have money to afford a bigger house or to have more children. It’s the fact that he likes to keep us where we are at so I can’t expand our family. (Again, he doesn’t want more kids).
But what pissed me off last night was this:
I have lost my mojo. I just don’t want to have sex anymore. At least not with him (not that I want sex with anyone else either). And when we do have sex, he’s so rough – it hurts. So after I gave into his sexual whims last night … I grinned and bared it for 10 minutes but stopped him so he wouldn’t orgasm – he tells me:
“Well if you won’t have sex with me, there’s nothing I can do. It’s not a problem, yet. (pause) I guess I’ll just have to go out and buy more toys. More expensive toys. I think I hear a Corvette coming.”
Hmm… I think I hear something, but it’s not a Corvette. The sound of divorce papers being signed. After I come back from vacation, I will be visiting a lawyer. I rather be poor and broke and happy – than have money with you and be miserable. This is not a healthy marriage. This is not a healthy life. What the hell am I teaching my son when his own father sets such a poor example? I have to run, run and run out of here. As fast as I can.
And he will say the Corvette was only a “joke” but I know from his spending habits – its not a joke. He could drive home any night with one if he wanted to financially screw me some more.
If he was a spiritual man, he might take heed of these warnings, but because he is an atheist (that’s another post) I doubt these will do much good.
“Hell has three gates: lust, anger, and greed” – Bhagavad Gita
The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. – Jesus
And yes, his love of money is the root of all his evil. And he fits the other two: lust and greed. I have a plan. Will you see me through to fruition?