Archive for December, 2010

He Needed To Be Taught A Lesson

I’m not sure who acts like more of a child sometimes, my 42 year old husband or my 6 year old son.  Actually, I think my 6 year old is more mature sometimes than my husband.  Tonight, he did it again.  Not LittleG, EmCee of course!

And of course, EmCee’s behavior was justified because it was a result of our son’s actions and my (emotional, bitchy period) reactions.

I came home after a long day of work, and immediately headed to the kitchen to cook dinner.  Funny how I’m married to a husband who has a degree in Culinary Science and yet, never cooks a meal!

I told LittleG, “You’ve watched TV and played video games all day at Mommy’s store, now it’s time to sit down and do your homework.  THEN you can watch TV.”

(Put on repeat 3x times)

Finally, LittleG sat down at the kitchen table to do his homework (1 math worksheet & 1 grammar worksheet).  I assumed EmCee would help him, but again EmCee is too busy to be bothered as he sat there plastered to his computer, glancing over at LittleG’s papers.

“That S is sloppy.  It looks like an upside down 5.  You’ve had an S in your last name for 6 years now, and you’ve been writing it for 2 years.  Fix it.”

(Oh here we go again, I thought to myself as I prepped the potatoes and green beans).

“That S still doesn’t look right.  Fix it.  Is there something the matter with you?  Don’t you care about your homework?” (Insert condescending, demeaning voice rising to near yelling levels).

Now, EmCee goes off into a tirade.  Obviously, LittleG still didn’t fix what Daddy wanted.  (As if Daddy should talk with his chicken scratch handwriting. Give me a break, the kid is 6 and his handwriting is good for a 6 yr old!)

“If you don’t care, then I DON’T CARE!”

EmCee picks up Little G’s folder, homework notebook, grammar workbook and THROWS them across the room.  “Since you don’t care, I DON’T CARE!”

I unfortunately, can’t stand his bullshit anymore and immediately step up to him.  Someone needs to protect LittleG.  “Who’s the child here, him or you?  What kind of example are you showing him by throwing his books?  This is the second time in a month you’ve thrown something at him to prove your point and I’m not going to tolerate it.”

“Oh, see, now you’ve got your mother on your side.”  (As LittleG starts hysterical crying).

“Mommy will you please help me finish my homework?”  He asks quietly, not wanting to upset his father.  I tell him to sit down calmly and we will finish it.

Homework is finished, but I’m not finished with EmCee.  As soon as LittleG is out of the room, I immediately rip into him.

“You’re such a bad father sometimes.  What kind of example are you showing him? Don’t you remember when your mother threw pea soup at you – it scarred you for life.”

“Yea, but I needed it I was acting like an asshole.  LittleG was acting like an asshole just now, making a jerk out of me.  He needed to be taught a lesson.  I needed to make a point and sometimes you need to make a point!” (pause) “I hate you for calling me a bad father, I AM NOT A BAD FATHER!”

(Calling him this always hits a nerve, because his own dad abandoned him).

“Oh, what am I going to regret saying that? (Insert sarcasm here,  as I referred to one of our prior arguments when he told me I was going to regret it) Why because I’m a woman, I shouldn’t open my mouth?  Am I supposed to stand here and let you abuse my son?”

“It’s not abuse, he was making a jerk off out of me. I was making a point.”

(Yea, that you’re an asshole).

“You shouldn’t throw things.  You’re teaching him that it is OK to throw things when he is angry or when things aren’t going his way.  And you wonder why we are having behavioral problems with him in school.”

“Oh, you should talk.  Mother of the year.   How many times do you raise your voice and yell at him?”

“But I never throw things.  And I never hit him.  I’m not sarcastic or condescending to him.  We all yell at our kids sometimes EmCee, it happens.  But that doesn’t make me a bad parent.”

Of course, as soon as you point out his mistakes or flaws, he can “never take the hit” as he calls it.  He will never accept blame.  He always turns it around on everyone else and makes sure to point out their flaws.  His behavior is always justified.  His behavior is always perfect.  He’s allowed to because he’s “the man” of the house.  We should respect him.

I knew the conversation was only going to get worse.  So I decided not to add any more fuel to the fire.  I let it be and ended the argument like this:

“Well if  if my behavior is that flawed, I would welcome someone pointing out to me my mistakes so that I can correct them.  No one is perfect, not even me.  So next time you feel that I am being the bad parent, why don’t you tell me.”

And I’m sure he will. He will savor every moment letting me know how screwed up a parent I am.  Now, I just have to make sure I don’t give him the opportunity to do so.

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Money: The Root of All Evil

Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment. –Mark Twain

My husband and son are two peas in a pod.  When they want something, they are relentless, hounding until they get it.  I suppose my son is only a byproduct of my husband’s greed and lack of discipline in saying “no”.  Hubby says it is only because he grew up “poor” and “had nothing” and that he makes money and can buy what he wants.

But at what expense?

There is a point in life where you realize that there is a difference between wants and needs.  Neither my son nor my husband can seemingly distinguish from the two.  What triggered this tonight?  It wasn’t my husband this time (inadvertently it is) but it was my son’s temper tantrum over him wanting things way too much (This week I’ve been asked for pokemon cards, ps3 games, hot wheels, a bunk bed, smoothies, new sneakers and some more items which I am probably forgetting).  When I tell my son, “No” it isn’t because I can’t afford it, it’s because he already has too much – another thing will just be a waste of money as it’s tossed to the side a day later.

But I do blame my husband and it is one of the main reasons why I am bitter, resentful and unhappy in our marriage.  No matter what EmCee wants, no matter the expense, no matter how hard I will have to work to pay it off, he gets what he wants.  And he gets it RIGHT NOW.

Hubby spends money like water.  As if money grew on the trees outside our home – that we can pick off what we want, whenever we want it.  His habits are frivolous, outrageous and over the top.  After 7 years of marriage (and 9 years of living together) you would think we would have upgraded our 2 bedroom starter townhome into a growth home – you know where you raise a family!?!  But because of hubby’s spending, we can’t afford it.  (And we make enough to afford a very nice 4-5 bedroom home!)

Here’s some highlights of how he controls the money and how he bleeds me of every dime I have:

  • We’ve refinanced our home 3 times in the past 7 years to pay off his credit cards. Each time, they were over 20k.  He says he bought things for the family (well where are these “things” I want to know). If you look at his statements, they are mainly all food purchases.  (Oh right, we spent 60k in eating out?!?!).  Closer inspection, he’s paid for company lunches (and said they paid him in cash, he just put it on his card for the “miles”) he also regularly went out for $30 dollar lunches at his lunch hour.  As soon as the cards were paid off, he charged up a storm again until I screamed and told him to stop.
  • A fourth time (January 2009) I withdrew 20k in my own personal (private) savings from a injury settlement I won, to again pay off his credit card bill. He will say again it was for things for the family (I want to know where 80k in items are in my house).  And he will argue that I have a card too (which I don’t carry with me and I never use, I use my own credit cards and I pay off my own bills – with my own money from my own paychecks).
  • August 2009 his credit card was back up to 12k, which I withdrew money from our business to pay off again. Granted 4k was a family trip to Disney World.
  • January 2010 his credit card bill was back up to 18k (after only 4 months) – at that point I sat him down and told him that I was not going to withdraw more money from the business to pay off his debt.  I told him that he was spending more than he was making per month and it HAD to stop.  When he argued with me over it, I presented him with the statements and he appeared shocked it was all restaurant and food purchases, mainly. Since I refused to pay off his bills this year, the bill is slowly being paid off.  Its down to about 8k, but guess what?  I’ve taken our 10k from the business to pay it off.  He claims he is “owed” this money since he (on paper) is a partner of the business.  I say he’s just bleeding me dry.  He doesn’t work for the business (he’s got a full time job) and I am the sole operator of the daily, day to day activities. (Actually, the business would not exist without me).
  • Greed? The pièce de résistance is this: On my 31th birthday in 2008, he drove me to the mall.  I thought maybe he was going to buy me a birthday gift.  No, he wanted an iPhone.  There was nothing wrong with the phone he had, he just wanted a damn iPhone.  I hid under the escalator in the mall and cried to my best friend that I was going to do whatever it took to divorce him.  He was so inconsiderate that day, he didn’t realize I was crying, he didn’t care it was my birthday, he didn’t buy me a gift, he didn’t even buy me a card!! When we came home, he took out a 100 calorie carrot cake, stuck a used candle in it and said “Happy Birthday” – go fuck yourself, EmCee.  An iPhone is more important than acknowledging I exist?
  • His shopping habits are insane. We went to the Puma store and he bought 6 pairs of sneakers, in every color they had in his size.  Black and orange suede, black and green suede, red and white, solid white, white and green … he’s got about 20 pairs of sneakers in his closet.  Not to mention tons of dress shoes he never wears.  Jeans?  About 20 pair.  Work pants?  About 40.  Shirts – when he goes to Tommy Hilfiger he will buy every polo shirt in every color.  He takes up the dresser, a nightstand and the double closets in our room.  (Me? I share a closet with my son and storage).
  • For his 40th birthday in 2008, I bought him a brand new MacBook.  In January 2010, because Apple came out with a new model, he had to spend another $1500 to replace his. (His excuse, our son could use his old one).
  • When the iPad came out in March-April 2010, he had to be one of the first people to get one.  Because carrying an iPhone and owning a brand new MacBook wasn’t enough.
  • When the office moved in 2008 to our new location, he demanded we buy a Apple because it looks “trendy” when customers come in. Meanwhile, none of the employees (or myself) feel comfortable using a Mac. There goes another $2200 down the drain …
  • When my car lease was expiring, I wanted to look at a Ford Edge because it had the sync system and was affordable.  He told me to drive to Porsche because they were running “deals” and I would get a similar payment to that of a Ford. I couldn’t stay for the salesman to look up the inventory or the pricing (I had an appointment) but when I cam back, my credit had already been run and the car was being prepped for me.  All I had to do was “sign” the paperwork.  (He will blame me and say I wanted it, but to this day I maintain I didn’t.  Hey, I used to drive a Honda Civic for pete’s sake!)
  • When I point out to him the amount of money we’ve thrown away, he says its all my fault. I wanted to go on vacation.  I needed designer jeans (I have 4 pairs that were bought because he said I “looked hot” in them), I needed the Porsche, I needed ….
  • When I took a vacation to Europe with my girlfriends, he said he couldn’t “stay home” with our son.  So he booked a trip to the Caribbean. Not only did he book a trip, but he purchased first class plane tickets for both himself and our son and charged them (he said using points made no sense).  And purchased a 5 star, all inclusive resort.  He told me I didn’t need first class airfare, but he did, since he was flying with our son alone. Total cost of his trip? 8k plus the 1k he took for “spending money”.  Total cost of my trip:  just under 2k (again, I paid for my own trip – 1600 in airfare/hotel, 400 in spending money).

You see, it’s not that we don’t have money to afford a bigger house or to have more children.  It’s the fact that he likes to keep us where we are at so I can’t expand our family.  (Again, he doesn’t want more kids).

But what pissed me off last night was this:

I have lost my mojo.  I just don’t want to have sex anymore.  At least not with him (not that I want sex with anyone else either).  And when we do have sex, he’s so rough – it hurts.  So after I gave into his sexual whims last night … I grinned and bared it for 10 minutes but stopped him so he wouldn’t orgasm – he tells me:

“Well if you won’t have sex with me, there’s nothing I can do.  It’s not a problem, yet.  (pause) I guess I’ll just have to go out and buy more toys.  More expensive toys.  I think I hear a Corvette coming.”

Hmm… I think I hear something, but it’s not a Corvette.  The sound of divorce papers being signed.  After I come back from vacation, I will be visiting a lawyer.  I rather be poor and broke and happy – than have money with you and be miserable.  This is not a healthy marriage.  This is not a healthy life.  What the hell am I teaching my son when his own father sets such a poor example?  I have to run, run and run out of here.  As fast as I can.

And he will say the Corvette was only a “joke” but I know from his spending habits – its not a joke.  He could drive home any night with one if he wanted to financially screw me some more.

If he was a spiritual man, he might take heed of these warnings, but because he is an atheist (that’s another post) I doubt these will do much good.

“Hell has three gates: lust, anger, and greed” –  Bhagavad Gita

The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. – Jesus

And yes, his love of money is the root of all his evil.  And he fits the other two: lust and greed.  I have a plan.  Will you see me through to fruition?

 

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