“Nothing can prepare you for living or working with a sociopathic serial bully. It is the most devastating, draining, misunderstood, and ultimately futile experience imaginable” – Tim Field
This quote today was especially important to me because once again EmCee and LittleG once again got into a battle during bathtime last night. EmCee instructed LittleG not to go into the bathtub until the water was tested. LittleG came into my bedroom while I was putting away laundry and I thought he was goofing around so I said to him, “You better go take a bath before Daddy gets mad. We don’t want Daddy mad, do we?” LittleG must have gotten confused by the varying instructions and ran into the bathroom and jumped into the bathtub. EmCee sees this and screams at him on top of his lungs, “What are you a fucking idiot?” I immediately ran into the room and told EmCee, “Stop dropping the F bomb and stop calling him an idiot because he is not one.” Bathtime proceeded as usual, with EmCee firmly disciplining LittleG about the dangers of scalding hot water and why jumping in to an untested tub was not safe. Although I agree that LittleG shouldn’t jump into untested waters, I disagree with the method in which EmCee discussed it. After bath time was over, something else happend (I’m not sure what transpired as I was still putting away laundry) but LittleG came running back into the bedroom crying and EmCee shouting at him about “Fucking Shit” – that’s when I lost my mind and told EmCee to once again stop using the “F-Bomb” and cursing at a 6 year old.
I put LittleG to sleep last night and assured him, “You’re not stupid. You’re not an idiot and you’re not retarded. Daddy is having a bad night again, he doesn’t mean it. But he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.” After hugs and kisses the night resumed. EmCee informed me at about 11:30 pm that he “felt badly” for talking to LittleG like that and wanted LittleG to sleep with us in bed. This after EmCee knows that I don’t sleep well with LittleG in bed, but I agreed because LittleG was very upset at his father’s behavior.
So today, I began looking up bullying. Because it feels like I’m living with a bully and a classic verbal / emotional abuser.
Within the quote above, the phrase “sociopathic serial bully” popped out to me – I had never heard of this term, even though I have a Masters in Criminal Justice and took extensive psychology and sociology courses. So I looked it up and lo and behold, I found this page Behavior Of The Serial Bully and what do you know? EmCee fits almost every characteristic on that list!
Now, in the past I have asked EmCee to go for Anger Management counseling and he has refused. EmCee has a “respect” issue as I call it – if he feels like he is being disrespected he gets extremely nasty towards me (or whoever “disrespects” him). Ten years ago I would say to him, “What are you pissed off because I’m a woman?” I honestly thought he secretly had this hidden issue with women being smarter / more independent / etc .. than him. Over the years, my “woman” comment turned into “What are you pissed off because you think you’re older and wiser than me?” (EmCee and I are ten years apart, he’s older). But what I now realize is that EmCee is a serial bully with anger management and control freak issues. Additionally, he’s selfish, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive.
In January of this year (2010) I tried (it was the 4th attempt in a year) to leave him. He dragged out a screaming match with me for nearly 24 hours refusing to let me leave the house, refusing to get counseling and even at one point, drawing back his fist to punch me in the face. He wore me down and tired me out until I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) leave. I’ll never forget that day. I begged him to go to counseling but he refused. I called a counselor and made an appointment for myself and asked him to go with me. He said no. Right before I was going to leave, he decided he was going to go, but would only go if I drove him. (Control again, he wouldn’t let me drive alone). When we got to the counselor, he manipulated the counselor and made me look like the bad guy. He told the counselor he was “afraid of being abandoned” and left on the side of the road, the carpet pulled out from under his feet. The counselor said, it was because his Dad left him when he was a child. But my issues, such as verbal abuse, sexual perversion (constant and continual use of pornography), control (i’m not allowed to go places such as the mall by myself, he has to be with me), and his lack of respect towards me in the bedroom – were not real issues that couldn’t be solved.
Upon our return home that afternoon, he badgered me in the car telling me he didn’t want to waist another year of his life in a marriage that he wasn’t wanted in. I told him that I loved him but he needed to change. I told him that we both needed counseling. He said he didn’t need counseling, he was down that road before with his ex-wife and nothing changed (BTW, his abusive issues were all mentioned in the divorce papers from his ex – but he told me she was “crazy” and staged a fake “rape” to get out of the marriage). So here we were with him telling me I couldn’t leave, counseling was not an option and he didn’t want to stay in a marriage that was only going to end.
That evening, I still wanted to leave. He was calm. I walked the dogs and thought about how I was going to leave, where I was going to go, where to take LittleG.
I come back and EmCee tells me, “Go wake up LittleG. You need to tell him that you’re leaving.” So I wake up LittleG and sit him down next to me, I tell him, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy so we are going to live apart for a while and you’re going to stay with me. You’ll see Daddy often.”
EmCee interrupted, “No, tell him why you’re really leaving. Tell him you want to go, that YOUR breaking up the family because all you care about is YOUR happiness.”
LittleG falls into tears, hysterical crying. Now EmCee has pulled out his final card – using our son against me to keep me to stay. So I stay, reluctantly, because I can’t see my son being hurt or in pain.
Later on that night, EmCee tells me something I will never forget:
“You hurt people. You’ve always hurt people. This is what you do. You go into relationships and then you leave people.”
I will never forget EmCee telling me that. It cut my heart in two and made me question myself. But that’s what manipulators do. THEY HURT PEOPLE.
In every relationship, there is always a possibility that it won’t last forever (as much as we hope that it does). But things change sometimes, people change. But ultimately, no one enters a relationship just for the sake of hurting someone. And in the end, I am heading for a divorce, because I can no longer live with my bully.