Archive for October, 2010
Some days are better than others, this I know is true. And it is often that these days, are the days when things just look OK, that life is tolerable and that I can make it through. But no matter how good those days are, I can’t see that I am truly happy in the situation I am in.
I had a conversation with my mother the other day about Emcee (that’s the name I will give my husband on here, because he always likes to be the center of attention and hold “court” as he calls it). I told my mother straight out, “I love him in the sense that I want him to be happy and not be alone, but overall, I am not in love with him.”
I could list a million things he does that absolutely drive me insane, but the bottom line is, no one is going to get a divorce over not flushing the toilet, or constantly being on the cell phone, or falling asleep on the couch and snoring during my favorite show. Those are the little things you come to live with and accept as part of your partner.
It’s the big things, the constant never changing attributes that slowly gnaw at the relationship, eventually slowing its growth and being in charge for it’s demise. Those are the things that will cause a divorce.
I’ll give you an example … my son, LittleG will push anyone’s buttons. He’s not a bad kid at all, he’s a pleasure – naturally curious, always talking and asking questions. Everyone loves him. He’s a sweet 6 year old. But he doesn’t pay attention. And that drives EmCee insane. It drives me insane too sometimes, but I don’t yell and lash out at him. EmCee will. EmCee will infact, say things to LittleG such as, “Are you retarded? Is there something wrong with you? I should take you to the doctor…”
I’ve disagreed on this with EmCee quite often, our child rearing ideas differ on this topic. My mother has said to me in EmCee’s defense, “He never had a father in his life. He doesn’t know how to be a dad.” or “You don’t think he really means that do you? That’s just the way he is.”
Maybe, just maybe, I’m crazy for thinking that this seems like verbal abuse? How you’re never supposed to use words like “retarded” towards a child? When I have corrected him, he agreed reluctantly, because he is very “old school” in his train of thought. It’s not to say it never happened again, because it has. Over and over, maybe not always the same words, but the same meaning behind them.
What disgusts me even more is that my mother stood up and defended his behavior! I know she was only trying to ration with me and calm me down, try to keep the marriage together, but I am adamant that those words are unacceptable towards a child!
It’s late and I’m tired, the sun always comes out tomorrow. And its another day. I just need someone to tell me, I’m not wrong!
For the past two years, I have been sleep walking past hope. Two days ago I described the fog I was in as “Existing not living”. Would I categorize myself as depressed? Possibly. But it is not that I don’t know the reason’s for my waves of sadness. I do. And I know exactly how I can fix them. I chose not to fix them at the moment because I know it could be seen as selfish on my part for wanting to be happy. You see if I do what needs to be done to feel happy again, I will be called selfish. I will be told that “I am a bad person because I hurt people” (which 9 months ago was told to me as I tried to escape to happiness.) My son will be waged against me, used only to hold me under his rein. There are many reasons why I choose not to leave at the moment.
One of the main reasons is that I haven’t figured it out yet. There is too much shrubbery blocking the path for me to see the other side. I ponder circumstances, weight outcomes. There isn’t a stone I will leave unturned before I make my final decision. I know what needs to be done, but I am scared to walk the path. And I am scared to walk the path alone.
Every night I think about my situation, I think about things. Some days are happy and tolerable. Nothing seems to be wrong. Nothing seems to bother me. I am on the top of the world. It’s days like that, that I think we could be happy. Maybe I am wrong. But more days than not, I think that grass could indeed be greener on the other side.
I have no one I can confide in, not one friend I could trust. My family lives far away from me, and my mother and I haven’t always had the closest of relationships. And he says I don’t need therapy, I don’t need to speak to someone, that I am fine. But I do need to speak to someone. Thus, this blog is formed. Totally anonymous, totally me. Just as a way to sort through my ow thoughts and possibly see the light on the other side. Perhaps someone will find this blog and be able to relate. Perhaps I am not alone.
From the outside looking in, we have everything people dream of. (And he reminds me of this often). There is no disputing this, we seem like the happy picture perfect couple. House, dogs, a super kid, cars, jobs, vacations…. everything but the white picket fence. But when you’re on the inside looking out, everything is different. The perfect picture isn’t so perfect, now is it?